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He rubs his thighs with both hands. “I wasn’t a good person.”
“That can’t be your fucking answer to everything, Stanley,” I snap, eyes blurring with unshed tears. “You should have chosen me over everyone else.”
“I know that now, I couldn’t see it back then. You were just this thing that threatened to blow my world apart. You weren’t a real child to me. You were a manifestation of my darkest hours.”
“I know that feeling,” I mumble because he became that for me.
He reaches toward me but thinks better of it. “I did try and get you back. Your uncle… he acted like he adored you like his daughter, and for the most part, it seemed that way. He was an excellent manipulator and I should have seen through it.” His eyes scan my face, sadness swimming in them. “I didn’t know. Honest to God, kid, I didn’t know. If I’d known, I’d have taken you, but I didn’t want to take you from all you knew. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what the right thing was. I gave you to your uncle, I left you there, only to break him and you by taking you away? And to what? A grieving, angry man with no patience, quick to aggression, snarling at the world because of memories? I thought you were in the best place you could be. I worried Lane might resent you, I worried I might resent you. I hate myself for that.”
My jaw shakes and a sob tears its way up my throat.
“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. For all you’ve been through, you don’t wear your anger on your sleeve. Not like I did and my shit didn’t come close to yours.”
“I’m not strong.”
“You are. So strong. So brave. So beautiful. And I love you with my entire heart and I would never hurt you like that again.”
I stand but he reaches out and grasps my wrist, stopping me in my tracks. I need to leave. I need to get out of here. I don’t want his point of view anymore. I don’t want to feel guilty for being born. I know that’s not what he’s trying to accomplish but it’s how I’m feeling. Vulnerable isn’t me. I’m not that. I’m not.
“How is it you know how to dance when you’ve spent your life so shadowed and tortured?”
He just asked the easiest question I’ll ever have to answer.
I shift from foot to foot and look up at the sky for a moment, inhaling deeply and blowing it out slowly. This entire thing is so fucked up, all these confessions. I don’t know if I feel better or worse.
“My body was all I had, even when they tried to take it from me, it stayed strong and I made it stronger. I couldn’t learn an instrument, I couldn’t play soccer or learn to swim, so I mastered what I had and I was good at it. And it felt good. I felt powerful. I could rid myself of the frustrations of unfairness in my life.”
Sniffing, he releases a single tear that means more to me than he probably knows. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you.”
He stands too and shoves his hands into his pockets as I shake my head with sadness.
“I need to go,” I mutter and he nods, looking at me as though he wants to hug me. I almost want him to hug me too. Almost.
When he looks back towards the door, my emotions get the better of me, my anger fades and my lips take control. “What would you have called me?”
He stares at me, eyes watery and his features so clearly similar to mine. I don’t know how I didn’t properly notice it before.
“If you had wanted me before I was born, what would you have called me?”
“Are you asking me to name you?”
I shrug. “I don’t like what Mallory represents and Scandal is stupid, so I guess I’m curious.”
“You can choose whatever name you want and we can change it.”
“I want my dad to name me. I want something from somebody who loves me that I can keep forever.”
He wipes the tear away with the back of his hand and falls silent. I’m about to walk away when he finally speaks, tone husky and weathered, “Keren.”
“Keren?” I taste it, letting it linger in my mind. “Why Keren?”
“When I was a little boy, my mother, your grandmother, used to tell me this story every single night about this young woman called Keren who battled an entire army of demons and sorcerers to save her home from destruction.” He gives me a gentle smile and his hand slides from his wrist to mine. I squeeze him back and listen. “There is nobody stronger in this world than you, but I figure Keren comes pretty close.”
