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“Ezra—”
“Don’t quit, you promised me you wouldn’t.”
I look into his eyes. “I promised no such thing. It’s for the best.”
“Says who?”
“Says me, says your mom, says Pax.”
He shakes his head, looking desperate and panicked. “I can protect you from Pax. I’ll hire you a detail to take care of you.”
“And what about you? Can you protect me from the fallout that will happen when we get caught?” I turn his head back towards me. “This isn’t a matter of if, but a matter of when.”
“So, you flee to Seattle?”
“One of us has to make the hard decision.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m nobody’s second, Ezra, that’s why!” I snap, successfully pulling away from him now. “Because of the thing I won’t say aloud… I’m too consumed by you, too desperate to be with you and you don’t belong to me. You’re asking me to be your second. That’s not something I ever want for myself.”
He looks as devastated as I feel. “I don’t want that for you either. I don’t know what to do. I just know that I can’t let you go. You can stay my PA. Nobody would have to know about us. We could be discreet.”
I close my eyes and wrap my arms around myself. “You’re married.”
“You don’t think I know that?”
“Doesn’t the guilt consume you? Because it is consuming me. It’s devouring me. I can hardly sleep at night worrying if you feel guilt so strong that it has you confessing to your wife about me as you lie in her bed.” Before he can reply I inhale a staggered breath. “You’re asking me to be your other woman. You’re asking me to put my life on hold for a man who will never be mine. You’re exploiting my feelings for you.”
“That’s not what I’m trying to do. I just… I just know that I love you and I want you.”
“You’re married!” I turn on him, slamming my hands against his bare chest. “You already promised your soul to her. Your wife.”
“And I love my wife,” he hisses, looking conflicted and hurt. “I love her, and I don’t want to hurt her. I can’t even say that my marriage is unhappy because it’s not. We were so fucking happy when this began.”
I want to run away. I don’t want to hear this.
“I love my wife…”
“Stop.”
“But I’m in love with you. It feels unfair. It feels so fucking unfair that I don’t get to have you and I know it’s greedy. I’m asking you for too much. But I can’t bear to lose you. I want you.”
I kiss him desperately, needing to confirm his words with a taste of him. Then I break away just as suddenly. “I can’t handle the thought of you going home to your wife every night and fucking her when hours before you had me. I don’t want to share.”
“Then there’s no other option. I’ll divorce her.”
“No.” I panic, thinking of his daughter and the damage that will cause. “No, you can’t do that… not for me… not for anyone. Maria, she’s at such an impressionable age. It would ruin her. Especially since you’re happy. She’ll be so confused. She’ll lose you, her mom, and me. Besides, we both know that’s not something you want.”
He doesn’t deny the latter which breaks me even more. He’s just saying empty things to get me to stay. “Then let’s pretend… let’s just keep going as we are, pretending there is no wife. It’s just you and me. We’ll go on trips away from here, places where we don’t have to hide.”
“I can’t do that either.”
He pushes his hands through his hair. “You’re ending us.”
“There’s nothing to end, Ezra. I’m not yours. You’re not mine. And I need to get out of here before it becomes impossible to leave.”
“I can’t lose you.”
“Let’s just enjoy what little time we have left together, okay?”
He nods, lifting me and turning until I’m sitting on the desk. “Maybe I can win you over.”
“I doubt it. There are things I want from my future that I can’t get from you, Ezra. I want a family of my own, I’ve never had one. I want to get married and brag to everyone how gorgeous my husband is. I want to live with somebody and get annoyed that they leave their socks by the hamper. I want normal. I don’t want to live in fear. I definitely don’t want to live in another woman’s shadow.”
He doesn’t argue further because he knows I’m right. Instead he kisses me like it’s the last time, pulls my hips to the edge of the desk and fucks me like he did the first time.
For the most part, things get back to normal and we jump on a plane to Reno for two nights to oversee a sale take place. It’s so mundane. The only saving grace is the fact I’m alone with Ezra.
