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“Yes it was! Don’t defend me as if I were a child, or an idiot, and not responsible for my actions! I’ve lost the use of my legs, not my mind!”
Dagmar winced and her eyes filled with tears.
“I’m sorry,” Robert said immediately. “You’d better leave me alone. I don’t seem to be able to be civil to anyone, except Miss Latterly. At least she’s paid to look after me, and I daresay she’s used to people like me, who behave wretchedly to all those we should be most grateful to.”
“Are you saying you want me to go?” Dagmar tried to master her hurt, but it was naked in her face.
“No, of course not. Yes, I am. I hate hurting you! I hate myself!” He turned away, refusing to look at her.
Hester could not make up her mind whether to step in or not. Maybe this needed to run to its conclusion so all the things unsaid would not be hurting in the mind. Or maybe they were better not spoken? Then they would not have to be taken back and apologized for. And there would be no doubt afterwards whether they were forgiven or not.
“I’ll write to Miss Stanhope,” Dagmar said hesitantly.
Robert turned back quickly. “No! Please don’t. I’d … I’d like to write to her myself. I want to apologize. I need to.” He bit his lip. “Don’t do everything for me, Mama. Don’t take that much dignity from me. I can at least make my own apologies.”
“Yes …” She swallowed as if there were something stuck in her throat. “Yes, of course. Will you ask her to come again, or not to?”
“I’ll ask her to come again. She was going to read to me about Sir Galahad and the search for the Holy Grail. He found it, you know.”
“Did he?” She forced herself to smile, though tears spilled over her cheeks. “I’ll … I’ll fetch you some paper. And I’ll bring you a tray. Will you be all right with ink in bed?”
He smiled twistedly. “I had better learn, hadn’t I?”
The doctor called in the afternoon, as he did almost every day. He was quite a young man and had not the professional manner which usually distances a doctor from his patients. There was no air of authority, which to some gave great comfort and to others seemed like condescension. He examined Robert and asked him questions, always addressing him directly and without any false optimism.
Robert said very little. Hester felt certain he was trying to call up the courage to ask if he was going to walk again. He asked no other questions, and that one still seemed too enormous to grasp.
“You are progressing very satisfactorily,” the doctor said at length, closing up his bag, still speaking to Robert, not to Hester or Dagmar, who stood by. “Lying still seems to have had no adverse effect upon your circulation.”
Dagmar made as if to speak and then changed her mind.
“I will have a word with Nurse Latterly about your treatment,” the doctor went on. “You must keep from getting sores when you lie in one position.”
Robert drew in his breath and let it out again in a sigh.
“I don’t know,” the doctor said softly, answering the question his patient had not asked. “That is the truth, Mr. Ollenheim. I am not saying that if I did know I should necessarily tell you, but I should not lie, that I swear to you. It is not impossible that the nerves have been so
badly damaged that it will take a long time to regain their use. I don’t know.”
“Thank you,” Robert said uncertainly. “I was not sure if I wanted to ask.”
The doctor smiled.
But downstairs in the withdrawing room, to which Hester had followed Dagmar so that the doctor might speak to them and to Bernd at once, his manner was very grave.
“Well?” Bernd demanded, his eyes dark with fear.
“It does not look promising,” the doctor replied, letting his bag rest on the seat of one of the armchairs. “He has no feeling whatever in his legs.”
“But it will come back!” Bernd said urgently. “You told us at the time that it could take weeks, even months. We must be patient.”
“I said it may come back,” the doctor corrected. “I am deeply sorry, Baron Ollenheim, but you must be prepared for the possibility that it may not. I think it would be unfair to your son to keep that knowledge from him. There is still hope, of course, but it is by no means a certainty. The other possibility must also be considered and, as much as lies in your power, prepared for.”
“Prepared for!” Bernd was horrified; his face went slack, as if he had been struck. “How can we prepare for it?” His voice rose angrily. “Do what?” he demanded, waving his arms. “Purchase a chair with wheels? Tell him he may never stand again, let alone walk? That … that …” He stopped, unable to continue.
“Keep courage,” the doctor said painfully. “But do not pretend that the worst cannot happen. That is no kindness to him. He may have to face it.”
“Isn’t there something that can be done? I will pay anything I have … anything …”
