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“One day I’m going to kiss you in front of a real sunset on a beach full of white sand. That’s what you promised me. Why would you make that promise?” I want to be angry, I want to shout at him but I can’t. I’m just so tired, so lost right now. “Why didn’t you tell me? Maybe I could have stopped this.” My body aches to wrap itself around him and hold him until there is no longer a breath in my body. I don’t, I just stare at him. Stare at the shell that was once the love of my life.
The burning ache in my chest expands and my lungs constrict. I’m not sure how I feel, there’s no word to describe it. Devastation isn’t enough. This isn’t devastation, this is so many things that I don’t want to feel, all rolling into one giant mess of an emotion.
“You broke your promise,” I say softly. “You broke all of them.”
I half expected to walk in here and some strange paranormal force to bring him back to me. It would happen in a movie, he’d wake up and we’d live happily ever after. Realising it’s not going to happen, I shrink back into my pit of despair and weep silently by his side. I never want to leave his body.
“Time’s up,” the doctor says softly and places his hand on my shoulder. “I’m very sorry for your loss.”
The sobs tear through me as he leads me away from the love of my life. So lifeless and cold and pale. He’s never been pale. His skin is like liquid gold. It almost sparkles when the sun hits it.
Sasha holds me tight as I exit, I sob into her shoulder and the cries tearing through me are so painful I almost lose my footing.
“I want to go home,” I demand, tears still falling. This pain is unbearable.
“Sure.”
When I’m in the car I stare out of the window. My mind can’t seem to grasp onto the reality of this. It’s not possible. None of this is possible. Caleb isn’t dead, he didn’t die last night. He’s going to die when we’re both old and grey and he’s going to let me die first like he promised.
Sasha and Tommy speak quietly but I don’t care what they’re saying.
The journey home seems to last forever. I rush inside, I know he’s not here but I can’t stop hoping this is some sort of elaborate joke. They’re fucking with me I just know it.
But they aren’t.
I race up the stairs and look at the blanket on the floor. It hurts, it hurts so badly. I’ve never felt pain so potent, so thick and so powerful. The bed sheet has been stripped and the mattress has been cleaned.
“Babe,” Sasha says softly. I feel her hand on my shoulder.
“He wouldn’t leave me. He wouldn’t.” I snap but I know this isn’t true. He’s left me. He’s gone.
He’s dead.
I break. I completely break.
I’m a mess. I’m a crying heap on the ground. She holds me but it brings me no comfort.
My world just ended.
Caleb… he’s gone. He’s gone and he’s not coming back.
I scream, I shout. I blame everyone. I blame myself.
Sasha cries with me, she calls my mum. My mum’s not in town. I don’t care.
“I don’t want you.” I cry at them both. Tommy and Sasha both try to comfort me. I won’t allow it. “I want him! I need him!”
“We know baby,” Sasha says on a choked breath and reaches for me. I move away, “Please,” I beg. “Please I just need to be alone.”
“We’ll be downstairs,” Tommy looks devastated, so does Sasha but they don’t get it.
They’ll never get it because they’ll never have a Caleb. Caleb was one of a kind. Caleb was mine.
He’s my world and I was his.
They don’t get it.
They’ll never get it.
I hate them for that.
Chapter Six
The blanket, it still smells like him so I wrap it around my face and inhale deeply. He always did smell good. My hand goes to my belly, we find out if it’s a boy or a girl next week. Caleb was so excited.
We were supposed to get married today.
We were both so excited.
Why would God give me such an amazing man, such an amazing gift and then just rip it away? Why can’t he take me too? Why Caleb?
Is this some sort of punishment? Did I do something to offend him?
I’m sorry! Now send him back! Please, just send him back.
“You need to eat,” I hear Sasha say.
Eat? How can I eat? Why are they even here? Just let me be.
“If you don’t eat…”
“I’ll die.”
“You have a baby to think about.”
Tears spill from my eyes, one of them trickles over the bridge of my nose but I make no move to wipe it away. He died in this spot, I want him to feel it. I want him to feel my sorrow.
