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“I think you’re a tad naïve. If that were true then there wouldn’t be so many people out there battling alcoholism and gambling addictions and what not.”
I blink at his blindness, “That’s different.”
“But you just said…”
“I know what I said but that’s not what I meant. Those are conditions, illnesses. Those may shape a person but they aren’t who you are.”
“So, for example,” he clears his throat. “If I were to leave the toilet seat up and hypothetically, you were in love with me, you wouldn’t care?”
“No.”
“But if I were to gamble or take narcotics you would?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because the little things can’t harm you. The little annoyances can’t hurt you or hinder your ability to live a normal and hopefully peaceful life.”
He licks his lower lip, “And what about my condition?”
“That’s part of who you are, if you decide to speak to somebody about it that’s your choice and I’d support you, but I’d never force you to do that. It’s a part of you and if I were to be madly in love with you, I’d be in love with your quirkiness too.”
He frowns, his eyes narrowing, “I am certainly not quirky.”
“Whatever,” I wave him off, wiping the last few tears from my eyes. “Now do you understand what I mean?”
“Yes, if I ever fall in love I hope I’ll feel it, rather than just have a basic understanding of it.”
This makes my heart ache, “You’ve never been in love?”
“Not reciprocated love, not a lot of people enjoy my ‘quirkiness’,” His lips twitch at the last word.
Eye roll, “I find that hard to believe.”
“You heard what that wretched girl said earlier,” he smiles brightly, my eyes go straight to his mouth where perfect white teeth shine at me. “I don’t do oral.”
At this I blush. I slap his arm and step back into him so my back rests against his chest, “Why’d you try to kiss me Nathan?”
In a second his body goes from relaxed to tense and his eyes widen briefly, “I shouldn’t have. I apologize.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“It’s the only answer I’m willing to give,” he retorts, his tone clipped. He steps away from me. “You should go to sleep.”
I’m not tired but I agree after apologising for waking him up. He promises me it doesn’t matter and retires to the couch after making sure I get to bed safely.
My mind is a jumble of thoughts, I want nothing more than to shut off my brain and its stupid obsession with overanalysing everything; but I can’t.
Am I truly naïve?
******
I decided on the room across from mine as the nursery, it’s the same size as my room but longer and narrower, it also has an indent in the wall where the cot should fit perfectly.
Right now the room is in tatters, Nathan hired some guys to come and strip the walls and decorate it the exact way it’s decorated in store. I’m humming with excitement. Once I see the room everything will be real. I can’t wait to go for long walks with the baby in the stroller. I can’t wait to change his nappy and feed him. But mostly I can’t wait to get back a piece of Caleb with hopes that it’ll stop my grief.
“What if the doctor’s right?” I say to Jeanine as we open the windows in an attempt to get rid of the stench of paint.
“About?” She asks, giving me an inquisitive look.
“What if I hate the baby?”
She lets out a startled laugh, “I’m sure he didn’t say that.”
“Not in those exact words.”
She lets out a long sigh and turns me to face her, “My sweet girl, you don’t have it in you to hate anyone. You’re too kind. It’s a flaw as well as a very sweet blessing.” Her smile is warm and understanding. “I had postpartum depression with, Julie, my first. It was tough but I got through it. If it happens, it happens, it won’t last forever. Just don’t expect miracles.”
“What do you mean?”
“This baby won’t bring back, Caleb,” I hate that she’s right. “This baby won’t be Caleb either. If you remember that then you should be okay.”
Now this is something I’m not sure of. “Fancy going into town to get a coffee? This smell is making me want to vomit.”
“Definitely,” she chuckles and we go to grab our coats. “Your friends are coming down next month aren’t they?”
I nod, “I can’t wait. I miss them.”
“I bet.” She looks at me sideways. “How are you doing? You seem to have perked up a little more than usual this week. Although Nathan seems to be in his usual foul mood.”
We came back from the city just over a week ago and she’s right, Nathan’s mood has been foul. Although he hasn’t aimed it at me, I’ve still felt the bite of his fury just by sitting close to him. I’m not sure what’s bothering him, all I know is that he’s taken a few calls that haven’t ended well. His phone screen has a large crack down it from throwing it; I assume.
