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But to continue to be in disbelief for the next several weeks? That wasn’t even the tiniest bit reasonable. When she hadn’t followed me, when she hadn’t called me that night, that should have been my biggest hint. She’d meant to do what she’d done.
She wasn’t coming back.
For the first week, I just kind of wallowed. I was tempted to text her, call her, go over to her house, and just beg her to not end us over a failing grade.
But I didn’t. I stayed away. And she never called me in return… it was clear where I stood.
I couldn’t believe how painful this all felt compared to breaking up with Julia. You’d think a relationship of years would have hurt me more than a relationship of barely over a month, but it didn’t. This relationship with Emily already meant so much more to me. And Julia seemed to mean so little these days. I’d only spoken to her once, and that was only to tell her my address so she could send me a few things I’d accidentally left behind. When I had, she’d seemed to want to talk more. I didn’t allow it, though.
Which only solidified my strong feelings for Emily. I felt like I was missing out on something wonderful with her. Something I wasn’t going to be able to get with anyone else. I’d
never believed in soulmates before, but… I don’t know. Emily just felt very different.
After my first week of wallowing, I had to start trying to move forward. It felt nearly impossible, but I couldn’t just continue to sit around Ryan’s apartment and contribute nothing.
Plus, I felt like I looked like a mess to him and was a little insecure about it. The only reason I’d even moved in with him was because of a break-up, and then I jumped into a new relationship and broke up with that one, too? I always judged people’s stability by how fast they jumped from relationship to relationship.
Not that Ryan had ever said anything or judged me. On the contrary, he’d been really nice and supportive lately and had spent a lot of his free time hanging out with me. I really appreciated it.
Still, I wanted to show him that I was not a walking disaster, and I was going to do that by immediately jumping back into my work. After that first week, I started doing my street performances in the morning. I went earlier than I used to and stayed later than I used to, and when I came home, I spent my energy learning new songs. I threw myself into my music.
Staying busy was the only thing that helped. If I was constantly working, I couldn’t think as much about Emily. Every spare moment I had, she popped into my mind.
Hell, sometimes even when I was working, she still popped into my mind. It didn’t help that the best spot on campus to play was near the cafeteria. Thankfully, I hadn’t seen her going to it or coming out of it. I figured that was no accident… she was probably taking the back entrance to get into work specifically so she could avoid going to my corner.
Which was reasonable, I guessed, but it still hurt me to think about. I hadn’t thought she’d be able to avoid me so thoroughly. I’d really, truly thought she was going to miss me too much to stay away like this.
One day I was playing on the corner, and a few girls from across the way were staring and smiling at me, and I’ll admit I was putting on a bit of a show for them. I was still in a raw place emotionally, and I didn’t plan on looking for any hook-ups or dates or anything, but getting attention from attractive people still felt good. It was a small stroke to my ego.
I was so fixated on playing well for them that I didn’t even notice when there was a familiar face standing off to my right.
It wasn’t Emily, but it was someone who made me think of her instantly. And who I truly did not want to see.
When I saw Brianne, I was sure to extend the song I was playing in order to avoid having to have a conversation with her. She’d been such a bitch to me at the bar. I didn’t want to hear whatever she had to say about my playing.
I was kind of hoping that she’d walk away before I ran out of stamina, but she didn’t. She sat there, watching me with a serious face, and eventually I was forced to stop playing. I had to take a few minutes’ break in between songs, or my hands started cramping, and I was reaching that point.
When I did finish, I did my best to avoid her gaze, acting like I hadn’t even seen her, though we both knew I had. She didn’t allow that, though.
“Kaitlyn, right?” she said suddenly.
“Yes, hi.” I forced a smile at her.
At the bar, I’d been really cool about how snobby she was. It’d been easy to be cool, because she’d been rude, and I’d just been enjoying my time with Emily. It was the first, and subsequently last, time I had met Emily’s friends, and I’d been ecstatic about it.
I wasn’t ecstatic anymore, though. I was mostly miserable. And I wasn’t sure if miserable Kaitlyn could stay as calm as happy Kaitlyn could. I braced myself for the back-handed compliments.
To my surprise, they didn’t come.
“You’re good.” She smiled at me and dropped a twenty in my guitar case.
I waited for the ‘but.’ I didn’t even know what to say. I was wracking my brain for where the insult was… was it the twenty dollars? That was way more money than anyone normally left me, so maybe she was trying to show off or something.
“Oh… thank you,” I said softly.
She nodded. “Haven’t seen you or Emily around at any of the bars the last few weeks,” she said.
“Ah… yeah,” I said slowly. Apparently, Abby hadn’t announced our break-up to her group of friends. “We’re kind of not together anymore.”
