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He only opens it again, as I knew he would, but at least I got my point across.
“I am sorry.”
Gah. “You shoved me.” I pull my pyjama top over my head and throw it on the bed, which, as per usual when Nathan stays, is made to perfection.
“What?” He takes a step back, a frown on his face.
“Last night, when I was kissing you, everything was fine and then suddenly…” I slice my hand through the air. “You shoved me and it wasn’t gentle.”
He visibly pales. “I…” His throat bobs as he swallows. “Did I hurt you?”
“No, but if I’d been any further to the right I would have fallen backwards off the bed.”
Blinking a few times, he stands to his full height, nods and moves towards the door.
Now I’m confused. “I thought we were talking?”
“There’s nothing to say.” His face is a blank mask when he turns to face me.
“Don’t you dare!” I snap and he freezes on the spot, his hand suspended in mid-air only a few inches from the door handle. “Don’t you dare! That’s my decision!”
“Sorry?”
“Do you know what? Forget it. Go. Run. I have to get ready for work.” I snarl, pulling clothes from my drawers.
He opens the door, but stops again when it’s wide enough for him to exit.
“If you’re waiting for me to stop you, don’t bother; you’ll be waiting a long time.”
He doesn’t respond but I see the indecision on his face.
“I had a dream about Caleb last night,” I tell him, not bothering to look at him this time. “He was angry, really angry. He told me he’d never forgive me.”
He still doesn’t speak. I’m starting to worry he’s had a stroke.
“I didn’t understand what was going on. It felt like the day before he died, except he wasn’t sick.” I tug my shirt over my head and do the buttons up the front. “And then I woke up; I remembered you and there you were, sleeping peacefully. I remembered I was angry at him for what he did to you. I just…” I turn to face him in nothing but my shirt and knickers. “I was sad; it hurt. I felt like I’d lost him all over again but then… then I remembered what you’d lost because of him. It made me angry.” He looks regretful for a moment and opens his mouth to speak, but I don’t allow him to. “For a while I just stared at you, trying to sort out my thoughts. Do you have any idea how hard this is already for me? Especially after yesterday, after what we did together…” Which had a rather uncomfortable ending, what with him not climaxing and then lying about it, but I don’t add this part. “I just needed to forget for a while, which is funny because you’re the cause of all of this angst. You’re the reason for my guilt, yet you’re the one person that makes me forget the world. How insane is that?”
“I assaulted you.” He says, staring at me in disbelief.
“And I’m not making excuses for you. I’m also not forgiving you. But I’m warning you, if you leave now, or at any point in the future, I won’t come after you. Not unless it’s my fault.” Which I really hope it’s not. “Make your decision, because it will be your final one regarding us. But…” He tries to interrupt me, but I raise my hand. “If you decide to stay, then we’ll start over. Properly. You opened up to me yesterday. I want to hear the rest of it. Not immediately, but soon. Only the things that regard me. For example,” I tug on a pair of jeans and balance on one leg as I pull on a sock, “that envelope that somebody wanted me to see. I’ve literally scrambled my brain trying to figure out what it could be but I can’t even…” I trail off, cursing when I see the time. Running a brush through my hair, I turn back to Nathan and give him a firm look. “Are you leaving or are you staying? You have thirty seconds to decide.”
“I assaulted you,” he repeats. I throw my arms up in the air and stomp past him. “I don’t remember doing it and at the time I probably thought you were…”
“I know,” I sigh, rubbing my tired eyes.
“Forgive me,” he says so quietly I barely hear him.
The tortured look on his face breaks my heart. How many more breaks can my heart take before it shatters completely?
“I swear I didn’t know it was you.” He gently touches my hair and wraps a lock around his finger. “I can’t bear the thought of hurting you.” I know this too. “I promised you I’d protect you in any way. You accepted that.” I nod in agreement because I did accept that. “I won’t be staying with you for tonight.”
