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“No, you don’t…” I said unconvincingly. And we both started laughing, because, yeah, she really was a very bad singer.
“It wouldn’t hurt you to loosen up every once in awhile,” she told me. “And, hey, maybe if you went out with us, you’d find a cute girl and—”
“Stop,” I cut her off. “You know I can’t date right now.” And even though I’d never dated, I had told Abby that I had no interest in men. Unlike some people, she didn’t come back at me with some stupid shit, asking ‘how I knew I liked women if I’d never dated one.’ Uh, it could have something to do with the fact that I felt it in my bones. That no guy had ever caught so much as a two second glance from me, yet I had to force myself to stop staring at the cute girl in my calculus class.
“At some point, you’re going to have to actually live life, you know!” she reminded me. “School is going to end, life is going to begin, and you’re going to have little to no real world experiences.”
I wished she hadn’t said that, because she was compounding my worst fears right now. I was so good at school, but I was terrified I was going to be so bad at real life.
“Come on, let’s brush our teeth,” I said, changing the subject. I knew when she was drunk she often forgot about basic things like brushing her teeth before bed.
“Good idea!” she said. “I’m probably about to crash at any moment.”
Which I knew. She rarely lasted fifteen minutes before falling asleep when she came home from a night of drinking.
I stared in our white-framed bathroom mirror, looking at my tired eyes from over-studying once again, and I tried to avoid thinking about what Abby had just said. I couldn’t obsess over it tonight. I couldn’t have another late night when I spent too much time thinking about my future.
For now, I had to put it out of my mind and focus on the important things: getting through this last year with a good enough GPA to land me a decent job.
CHAPTER 3 - KAITLYN
I’d been to Rosebridge before to visit my friend, but I saw it in a whole new light now that I knew I’d be living here. A much better light, I might have added.
It had a completely different feel compared to the town I’d lived in with Julia. It didn’t feel as stuffy and as corporate as Englewood had. The buildings were more unique; the town seemed to be alive with college students walking around and laughing. And on just the walk from the train station to my friend’s apartment, I ran into a quirky-looking art studio called the Shadetree Collective. Yep, this was my kind of town.
My friend, Ryan, seemed excited to have me. I’d thought he would be. It was another one of the reasons I’d reached out to him instead of anyone else. He had recently broken up with his live-in girlfriend and was living alone. I’d thought with him, my presence would be less of a burden and more of a comfort.
When I arrived, he grinned and pulled me in for a big hug. We started immediately chatting about what we’d been up to, though unlike him, I hadn’t been up to anything new since the last time I’d seen him. I was still just making music and trying to make a living from it.
He’d graduated from Beasley University since the last time I’d seen him. Although he wasn’t as snobby about it as Julia often was, he also had a fancy new corporate job at a nearby law firm. It was very prestigious and paid well, which was why he didn’t mind cutting me some slack financially while I got back on my feet.
Also unlike Julia, he hadn’t moved apartments after he’d gotten his new job. He still lived in the same small place he had when he used to split the rent with college roommates. So he was still living pretty cheaply while getting paid quite a bit. My half of rent would probably be a drop in the bucket for him, a negligible amount of money he wouldn’t even notice if it got deposited into his bank account every month.
I had to admit, on some level, I was jealous of that, though I’d never have admitted it to Julia. I wasn’t materialistic, but I did occasionally fantasize about what it would be like to not have to worry about money. Not enough to get a regular job, of course. It was just one of those small desires you thought about now and again.
Ryan only had time to talk to me for about fifteen minutes before he had to head to work. But he showed to my room, which was fully furnished, thankfully, since I didn’t have any furniture to call my own. Julia had bought every piece of furniture she owned; it was all hers.
“It’s all stuff my girlfriend picked out, sorry if it's not your style,” Ryan had told me, as if I possibly cared about the style of the free furniture I was getting to use.
“Why do you get to keep it, then?” I asked. “If it was her furniture.”
“I said she picked it out,” he reiterated, “but I was the one who paid for it. Common problem in our relationship… I let her keep some stuff when she moved out, though. But she was going back to live with her parents, so she didn’t need all this furniture.”
After he left, I tried to get comfortable, though I was anything but. I didn’t think the furniture was too bad, actually. Everything was some version of teal or mint green… including the wooden desk that housed a computer in the corner of the room. But the teal comforter was extremely soft, and the bed was memory foam, which I’d grown accustomed to at Julia’s.
But that was kind of the problem. That was why I couldn’t get comfortable. No matter what, I kept thinking of Julia. Even here in Rosebridge, everything reminded me of her. Something as small as memory foam could send me into a spiral of thoughts of her. I hated it.
When were these feelings going to pass? I'd experienced break-ups before, but they’d never hurt quite like this. I'd never been with anyone as long as Julia, so that made sense. When would thoughts of her stop haunting me, though? When was I going to be able to feel comfortable in a place without having her by my side?
At the moment, it felt a long ways off.
After Ryan left, I knew I had to get out of the house. He likely wouldn’t be home until past six. I’d been planning on sleeping when I got here, even though it was the middle of the day, because it’d been a long trip. Twelve hours on a train was no joke.
But I’d managed to sleep for most of that trip, so unfortunately, I was feeling pretty well-rested. Which only meant I was wide-awake and able to think about Julia way too much.
There were things I could do, though. I could go explore the city. Hell, maybe I could even take my guitar and try to make some money.
But, no, probably not today. I was a little bit worn out emotionally, so playing for people in public didn’t feel like something I could handle at the moment. Maybe today, I’d just scout for possible locations where my music might be appreciated.
