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“From who?”
As he drops to his knees he begins to stammer, “From… Trevor at work.”
Trevor? “Who and why is he buying you cologne?”
“It was just a shop warming gift.”
Now I know he’s lying as he’s trying to distract me from the conversation by pulling his shirt over his head.
“A shop warming gift from a guy called Trevor?”
His eyes hit mine. “You don’t believe me?”
“I will when you’re truthful.” Why is he lying? Who bought him the cologne? Why not just say he bought it himself? I’m thoroughly confused and suddenly no longer in the mood for sex.
“I am being truthful.”
“Fine.” I push at his chest and move backwards on the bed so he can’t get me back in the mood. He frowns at the distance now between us. “Call Trevor.”
“Sorry?” I see the panic in his eyes despite the fact his tone is neutral.
“You heard me. Call Trevor and ask him to join us for dinner as a thank you for the cologne.”
His lips part and his throat bobs with a gulp. “Well he’ll be sleeping.”
“Okay, then we’ll call him in the morning.” I snap, feeling my eyes burn from the pain of his deception.
“Gwen, honey.”
“Honey?”
What the fuck?
“I…” He runs his hands through his hair.
“What’s going on with you, Nathan?” A tear falls from my eye.
“Nothing!”
“Nothing?”
“As I said,” he stands and looks away from me, “you’re paranoid.”
“I’m paranoid?” Now I’m not only heartbroken, I’m really fucking angry. “Get out.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said out!” I point at the door. “And don’t come back until you actually want to give me the respect I deserve!”
“You can’t be serious!” He looks incredulous. “Honey…”
“Stop fucking calling me that!”
“It’s just an endearment.”
I bring a pillow to my chest to shield me from everything. “One you’ve never used. One I dislike greatly from you.”
He bites on his lip and reaches for his shirt. “I don’t know what you want from me, Gwen.”
“The truth, Nathan. Or leave.”
“Or leave?”
“Yes.”
“As in… over?” His voice cracks on the final word.
“I can’t be with a liar.” My heart shatters when he pulls his shirt on and looks around for his jacket. Panic sets in and my resolve weakens immediately. “You’re actually going?”
“I don’t know what you want from me.” His voice is quiet and pitiful, his body language oozing defeat, and despite my anger, I find myself softening, wanting to take away his pain. Pain that he’s bringing on himself, mind you.
“You’re breaking me, Nathan.”
“Tell me what to do.”
“Tell me the truth.”
“You’d never understand,” he states to my eyes and no longer is he breaking me because now I’m officially broken.
“Get out,” I sniff, holding the pillow to me so tightly my arms ache.
“Nothing is that simple, Gwen. I need time.”
“So do I,” I whisper and my meaning isn’t lost on him. “Especially with regard to the fact that your accusations are too many and too often and you’re the one with the secrets.” My trembling hand moves to my mouth to hide my quivering lips.
He takes a step towards me and raises a trembling hand. “Please, Gwen… please. Don’t do this.”
“Don’t you do this.”
“I need you.”
My following laugh is harsh and cold. “If you needed me, you’d talk to me.”
“I will, just… not yet.”
“I can’t wait that long. I won’t survive it.”
He lowers his hand and stares at me as I stare at the curtained window. This is how we remain for the longest time. It feels like a lifetime passes before he speaks. “I won’t survive leaving you.”
Leaving?
I meant for him to sleep on the couch, not to actually leave. I assumed I’d just blank him for a while but it seems his mind has other options.
“Is that the only option?” I croak, looking at him through swollen eyes.
Please don’t let it be the only option.
“You don’t understand.”
“Then help me understand!”
“I… I can’t,” he sighs and turns to the door.
All of me, every single ounce of me and my soul, ache to race after him as he leaves. Every step I hear as he walks further and further away from me forces a tear from my eyes. Then the door closes and I find my body trembling violently with sorrow.
He just left.
He just walked away.
The morning comes, though sleep evades me until the sun greys the morning sky. In zombie mode, I leave Mum with the kids, all the while evading her questions, and then set off to take my car in for its MOT and service. My mind is a warring mess and my fear of my failing relationship makes every move I make feel forced and jittery. Nausea bubbles in my stomach making me unable to eat.
I can’t cope with this. Why is he doing this?
Have I been wrong all along? Is it him that’s seeing somebody else? Does she call him Honey so much that now he says it too?
