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The hob left us in the dark foyer of our room, and I didn’t take any time to investigate the space.
“Desmond, are you—?”
“Don’t ask,” he grumbled.
“I have to ask. Are you okay?”
He slumped onto the floor as if the effort to hold himself upright had become too much. In truth he’d probably been fighting to stay on his feet this entire time. He wasn’t lying down, but rather propped himself against the wall and kept his arms around his midsection.
“He looks peachy,” Holden observed.
“Thanks,” Desmond said, and his voice was so quiet I couldn’t tell if he meant it sarcastically or not.
I crouched on the floor in front of him, cupping his clammy face in my palms. He was boiling hot and icy cold all at once, a sure sign his body was fighting against the werewolf’s natural urge to escape. Wolves ran hot, so the feverish cold was his human side struggling to stay in charge.
“You could—”
“No. ”
I chewed on my lip and raked my fingers through his wet hair. “Why are you fighting it so hard? It’s hurting you. ”
“I need to be here for you. ”
“You’d still be here for me if you were…” I let my hand drop away. “You’d still be here for me. ”
He shook his head sternly. “Dominick told me what happened in Louisiana. The way you responded to the change. What if me changing gives your wolf permission? What if she doesn’t care how badly you need to stay human? You of all people should know how hard it is to stay in control once the wolf has the power. ”
My jaw felt slack. I hadn’t told Desmond about my experience at Callum’s compound. The way my wolf had pushed me out of the driver’s seat and made up her own rules. He was right, I had almost no control when I was in my wolf form. Maybe it was something all new wolves experienced, but I never had before. The way he described it to me, though, was exactly the way it had felt when I’d been running on four legs through the woods.
So far my wolf had been on her best behavior. But if Desmond was in wolf form, would her attitude stay the same? I couldn’t be sure. I’d already been worried about what would happen during the full moon in Manhattan, but there were no rules here to govern the shift the same way we could in the human world. Desmond might not be a pack king—whose wolf form could force those in his pack to change into their animal selves—but he was my soul-bonded mate. Would that impact it somehow?
I’d be no good to anyone if I was a wolf.
I cursed the confetti of my genetic makeup for being too messed up and difficult. At the same time I had to be grateful, though. If I’d been all vampire, they wouldn’t have spoken to me. All werewolf and I’d have been made someone’s pet. I’d gotten this far because no one knew what to make of me.
But Desmond was suffering, and I couldn’t be selfish enough to ask him to keep suffering if I was the only reason for it.
“You should shift. ”
“No. ”
“I’m with Secret,” Holden said. “You should shift. ”
Desmond growled at the vampire, letting his feelings on the interruption be known. I ignored Holden the best I could and went on. “Listen to me, okay?”
It took him a minute to shift his gaze from Holden back to me. “I’m listening. ”
“You’re in pain. ”
“I’ve been in pain before. ”
“Because of me. ”
“Secret, this isn’t…” He winced, holding his ribs like they were being broken from the inside. A whine escaped him he couldn’t hold back, and my guilt overwhelmed me.
“This is my fault. ” I countered the argument he hadn’t been able to finish. “If you weren’t with me, you’d be safe at home. If you weren’t with me, you’d be willing to shift. If you weren’t—”
“But I am with you. And that changes everything. ”
