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“I didn’t say crazy. That’s beside the point though. He talked, and we agreed we weren’t doing you any favors by creating yet another stress in your life. He suggested one of us needed to force your hand and see what happened. Either you’d reject the offer or accept it. And one way or the other, we’d have our answer.”
Realization dawned on me when I fully appreciated what he was saying. “You had the option,” I said. “You had the chance to be the one who proposed.”
“I did.”
“Why didn’t you?”
Now he looked at me, and the pain on his face was so raw I thought I might break down in tears again. “Would you have said yes?”
I wanted to say yes now
to his question. The kind lie would be to tell him I’d have married him if he asked, but I thought about it. I thought about my time being human and how the only thing I could dream of was basking in the daylight with Desmond and the idea of having his children. It was my dream come true. When I’d been given the chance to let Holden change me into a full-blooded vampire, I’d turned it down.
He’d already asked me to spend eternity with him.
And I’d already said no.
“Holden…”
“It’s okay. I knew it could happen this way. I’ve loved you a long time, Secret, and I’ve watched you love others. But you also loved me. I know you loved me.”
“I still love you.” A hiccup broke out, and tears began falling down my cheeks. I wanted to do anything to wipe the sadness from his face, but there were no words or actions I could use to fix this. “I will always love you.”
“And I’ll always love you. I’ll love you when you’ve gone old and gray, and you and the dog have been together so long you can barely stand to look at him anymore. I’m going to love you when you’ve died and turned to dust, and all I have is memories. I will love you with every piece of myself, until New York City crumbles to ashes and the memory of everything we had is only mine. And when I die, I will still love you.”
I wept openly, every part of me feeling the weight of his admission and the burden of what my own love for him would mean to me for the rest of my life. But he’d been right all those months ago when he said it wasn’t fair for me to keep them both. It wasn’t. Except now I was letting go, and it didn’t feel any easier.
“Why didn’t you ask?” I said stupidly, though he and I both knew the answer.
“Because even though we love each other…you love him more. You chose him.”
I stared, my body shuddering with sobs, and finally he moved. The distance between us had felt like a cavern, and inside the pit of it was everything I had lost and everything I was giving up.
Holden wrapped his arms around me and pulled me toward him. His skin felt cooler than usual because I was flushed from crying. He kissed me, and his mouth felt warm from my tears. I kissed him back, memorizing the feel of his lips, knowing this would be the last time.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” I buried my face against his neck.
“Everyone who ever fell in love has been hurt. The real beauty of it is knowing the pain has been worthwhile.” He pulled back and met my gaze, the slightest forced smile on his lips.
I took him in, looking at his chocolate-colored eyes, his dark hair just this side of too long and his impossibly beautiful face that was the stuff late-night fantasies and Greek sculptures were made of.
“Was it worth it?” I placed my hand against his cheek, and he rested his forehead against mine.
“I could live a thousand years, Secret, and I wouldn’t regret a single second.”
Chapter Forty
Callum could look as perturbed as he wanted to.
At this point nothing could faze me.
“I recall you making this request of me once before, Secret.” He leaned back in his fancy office chair and stared across the desk at Desmond and me as though we were applying for a bank loan.
“Yes. Because you forced me to last time. And if I remember correctly, you tried to talk me out of it because you knew even then I wasn’t meant to be with Lucas.”
Callum laced his fingers together, resting his hands on his flat stomach. “Yet you chose to marry Lucas, and the ceremony was completed. In the eyes of the pack, you’re his queen. And you cannot pretend not to know that because I’ve seen you use your position to your benefit even since you’ve arrived.”
“Werewolves are all about power. If I’ve got it, I’m going to use it.”
