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My head jerks back when Ryan swears, and he finally turns his head to look at me. My heart pounds at the anger in his voice and darkening his eyes. I’ve never seen Ryan angry before, and it really hurts that it’s aimed at me. I’ve been so proud of him for standing up for himself and finding his voice, but having him use it on me for something so ridiculous pisses me off. He honestly thinks that… what? I planned to come here all along and, like he said, screw over this town?
“Ryan, I honestly do not remember putting Summersweet on there. It was over a year ago. Do you have any idea how many of these lists I would make and send on a weekly basis? That was my job! All I did was google small towns and put them on a list. Period. Hundreds of them a week, one after the other, handing them over to our financial advisors to make a final determination. That asterisk next to the island means it probably isn’t worth our time. Don’t tell me you actually think me coming out here was some sort of plan all along. Is that what Asher told you?”
“Please, donotsay his name to me right now. Because all I can hear is you screaming it when….” He trails off and looks away from me, smacking his elbows on the table in front of him and dropping his head in his hands, and I feel sick. Sicker than I did hearing Asher said all these things to him, because I was right. My worry was justified.
It got to him. He let fucking Asher get to him. He let that asshole get in his head and replace all the good memories we’ve made together with some delusion that Ieverscreamed Asher’s name, unless it was in anger.
“First of all, Ineversaid anything to him. He was following me at the grocery store earlier and heard me having girl talk with Melanie. And I amsovery sorry I wasn’t more careful, but I kind of forget everything around me whenever I talk about you and how amazing you are.”
He doesn’t respond to that or even lift his head from his hands.
“Did you make a painting with him?” he asks quietly, and my heart drops right down into my stomach, and it feels like someone is stomping on it. “Did you do all the same things with him that you’ve done with me? Because I don’t want to believe it, but he was pretty convincing, and now I can’t get those images out of my head of you with him, and I’d like them to stop now.”
He finally lifts his head, and the pain on his face should make me completely break down in tears, but my anger has increased with every word he said, until I’m almost afraid to open my mouth for fear of what will come out.
I was pissed that Asher dropped this bomb on Ryan. But I’m heartbroken that Ryan is the one lighting the fuse, blowing it all up in our faces.
“Again, he overheard me talking to Melanie about my plan for us earlier. I’ve only had sex in public… withyou.I’ve only given a blowjob in a moving vehicle in public… toyou.And I’ve certainly never covered myself in paint and fucked anyone else before, becauseyouare the only person I have ever trusted enough in my life for any of those things. Goddamnyou for doubting me!” I whisper angrily.
Ryan winces, andGod,I hate myself for these harsh words. I hate myself so much I want to curl up on this chair and cry. But I spent my entire life being weak and not having a voice, and I won’t do it anymore. I’ve also cried more stupid tears since I’ve been on this island than I have in my entire life, and I’m over it. I’m over forgetting that I don’t deserve this shit. Not even from the nicest guy in the world.
“You don’t trust me. And thatreallysucks. I have done nothing but show you that I amalwayson your side, but you’ve never really been on mine, have you?”
I can see Ryan’s anger wash away in the blink of an eye and guilt take its place, but I’m pissed, and I’m hurt, and maybe I should shut my mouth, but I don’t. Because that’s not me anymore. I’ve gone too soft since I’ve been on this island and gotten addicted to this man’s hugs.
“My sex life withhimwas filled with me faking orgasms so he would get the hell off me. Do you want me to tell you every single, unsatisfying detail about what I did with another man before I met you? Because let me tell you, I certainly don’t want to hear about anything you did with Malibu fucking Ariel, and Ilikeher. Because I don’t give a shit about the past. I only care about right now. And right now, I can’t believe you would even have the nerve toaskme those questions. That you wouldn’t know better. That you wouldn’t knowmebetter.”
My anger flies away like the pop of a balloon, and all I feel is… numb.
“Danica.” Ryan’s voice cracks when he says my name, and I have to squeeze my hands in my lap to stop my natural instinct to reach out and comfort him, protect him, or give him a reason to smile again. “I’m sorry. I—”
Ryan’s apology cuts off when I shake my head, take a deep breath, and open my eyes. But I take too long staring at him, trying to figure out what the hell else to even say to him now, and unfortunately, adorable, word-vomiting Ryan comes out. But it’s not as cute this time.
“I was an idiot, I know, and I’m sorry. But it’s just a lot to take in, and I was confused, and I’vealwaysbeen confused about why you’re even with me. A lot has changed with me, and I’m doing things I wouldn’t normally do, and making scenes in public, and maybe I made a hasty decision about not wanting to be mayor. I mean, it’s not allthatbad, and I’m not saying you’re to blame for anything, because you totally aren’t, but I got a freaking tattoo, and my dad’s already on edge with my mom leaving, and now we have to worry aboutyourdad’s company pushing their way in, and I just—”
My hand quickly comes up and covers Ryan’s mouth, because I just can’t take it anymore. He’s sabotaging this, because he’s afraid. He’s afraid of being happy, and he’s clearly afraid of trusting me. He’s forgetting how amazing and strong he is. How absolutely deserving he is of love. He’s put me up on a pedestal so high he can’t even see me anymore. When I slowly lower my hand after a few seconds, he gives me a sheepish smile, and I just shake my head at him, wishing he would have taken better care of the gift I gave him this afternoon.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t convince you how absolutely wonderful you are until you finally believed it. But I can’t keep giving you my strength, because you’re starting to take what I need. And right now, I need it to do this.”
Leaning forward, I press my lips to his. As soon as Ryan starts to turn in his seat and reach for me, I pull back, and he looks at me in confusion. Without another word, I turn, slide out of my seat, and walk away.
Waiting for him to shout my name. Waiting for him to call me back. Wanting him to race after me, say something, do something, anything!
Fight for me. Fight forus! Show me that you aren’t really just going to sit there and take it, like you did with Asher when you so easily stopped believing in me. Show me that you really do trust me and that I wasn’t a fool to fall in love with you. I can’t keep making the first move. Not with this.
But Ryan stays right where he is, and my anger comes back in a flash. I pause in front of the wall I’ve been working on for the last few weeks, with the draping of fabric clipped to a pole in the ceiling still hanging down in front of it, keeping it covered until a big reveal Dale was planning on doing tomorrow.
Feeling the heat of Ryan’s eyes on me, because I canalwaysfeel them on me, even when I’m pissed at him, I grab onto the fabric with both hands and yank as hard as I can. A section falls down onto the floor at my feet, and I move along the wall, tugging the rest of it down, until the mural is fully on display, and I know Ryan is staring right at it.
I wonder if he’ll believe me now.
Without looking back, I stomp away from it before I start crying just looking at it again, smacking my hands against the door so hard as I leave it slams against the wall outside and rattles the windows.
