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‘You up?’ I text him, restless. The answer comes right away.
‘My place or yours?’
‘I’ll come over.’
The Uber to his place is a blur, with the city as quiet as it ever is. The whole way there, I practice my speech. I’ll explain how, when, and why the mix-up occurred. It’ll feel better when it’s all out in the open, and who knows? Maybe he’ll take it with good humor like Other Jennifer.
Maybe this isn’t the disaster I think it is.
But when I arrive outside Austin’s door, I freeze in fear.
C’mon, Jenn. Just knock.
I try to will myself to move, but my stomach is churning now. Everything’s been so perfect with Austin, I can’t believe I’m about to screw them up.
Stay calm. I order myself. No matter the consequences, I’ll deal with them. I’m a very capable person.
But am I capable of coping with a broken heart?
The door opens before I have an answer. “Hey,” Austin grins at me, looking sleepy.
He’s in a white T-shirt and boxers, looking utterly irresistible. “Boy, am I happy to see you.”
He leads me inside, and I see he’s in the middle of making a snack. On the kitchen island, there’s grainy bread, a head of lettuce, and half a tomato still on the cutting board.
“Midnight BLT?” I ask, trying to quell my nerves.
“Yeah,” Austin runs a hand over the crown of his head. “I read somewhere that, if you’re panicking, you should drink water and eat, even if you’re not hungry. Apparently it signals to your body that it can relax.”
“You’re panicking?” I ask, my own worry switching to concern for him.
“No. Well, yeah. Kind of. I’m not sleeping so good,” he admits. “Everything with the launch… My brain won’t shut off. I just lay there, imagining worst-case scenarios.”
I pull him into a comforting hug. “What can I do?”
“Just being here helps,” he says, relaxing a little in my arms, and kissing the top of my head. “Will you stay over?”
“Of course,” I say, squeezing him. But my heart sinks. Already, I know, my plans to tell him everything are off the table tonight. What am I going to do, launch my truth-rocket right into his face when he’s already panicking?
No. I can’t be so selfish. I might need to unburden myself, but what he needs from me right now is to make his life easier, not more chaotic.
“Come with me,” I say, taking his hand and leading him down the hall to the bathroom. I turn on the faucet to his huge soaking tub and pick out a bottle of lavender oil. “A bath always helps relax me.”
“As long as you join me,” Austin says, sliding his hands around my waist. He pulls me into a kiss as steam fills the room, and I can’t help swaying against him.
Three days, I promise myself, falling into the kiss. When the launch is over, and Austin isn’t wound so tight. That’s when I’ll tell him everything.
