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But she coughs out something that sounds like, “Not hard enough.”
“Frank said he’d tell you about it if I dropped out. And I didn’t want him to tell you.”
“Obviously.” She shrugs, but it’s exaggerated. Sarcasm in her shoulders. “Becausethatwould’ve been embarrassing.”
My throat is hot and tight. Tess isn’t wrong. I always thought of her as some kind of human whirlwind who doesn’t take life seriously. We’re total opposites, and that’s that. Zero sparks. Nothing to see here, folks.
Man, I was an idiot.
I guess a part of me didn’t think she’d notice. A part of me didn’t think at all. And thenallof me started to care. Too much.
As she stares up at me now, her eyes big and round, I want to remind her she’s not even in the market for a relationship. But that’s just a rationalization. A cop-out to ease my guilt. Whether or not Tess ever wants me—or anyone else—to be her boyfriend, I wasn’t honest with her. Bottom line.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, and the weight of the apology is a tremor through my body. I’ve probably never meant anything more. I can feel it in my soul. And I feel even worse since hearing Mrs. Lockhart’s warning aboutfraternizationbetween employees. If I’d known that trying to get close to Tess was such a risk, I wouldn’t have gone near her in front of the mayor at the coffee house. Or here at camp.
No risking or fraternizing. Check.
Correction: Nomorerisking or fraternizing, because I did just kiss her, evenafterI knew it was a bad idea.
What is wrong with me?
I never do stuff like this. But I can’t seem to regret the lapse in reason. Or the risking and thefraternizing. Tess’s kiss was beyond anything I ever imagined. And this is exactly why I have to walk away now. There’s too much at stake.
My heart can’t take another rejection, and neither one of us can afford to lose this job. For different reasons, sure. But still. One way or another, that’s how this story ends.
“I accept your apology,” she says, finally breaking the silence.
“You do?” I practically swallow my tongue.
“Yeah.” She tucks her chin, talking to her shoes. “My sisters drive me absolutely crazy sometimes, but if they treated me the way Frank treats you, I’d do stupid stuff too.”
“That’s me. Mr. Stupid.”
“Actually, it’s not.” She lifts her head again. “You’ve always been so smart. About everything.”
“Well.” I run a hand along the nape of my neck. “Not anymore, apparently.”
Tess is looking up at me now, and I take a moment to study her face. I should be relieved she’s taking this so well, but the set to her teeth says there’s something she’s not telling me. She’s measuring things out. Thinking deeply. Do I cut my losses or press for more information? I usually know what to do. But I’ve never felt so off-balance.
If Tess is still bothered about something, we should have a conversation. After all, she’s proved to be a good friend—concerned about me, my job, my down payment. She’s even worried about the status of my love life. Or the lack of it.
But I don’t want to talk about my lack of a love life with Tess.
“Anyway.” Her sigh sounds like it’s crawling up from a canyon. “I’ve got some work stuff I need to do.” Before I can stop her, Tess takes off toward the camp office. Conversation over. I missed my chance, overanalyzing again. “I hope you get that car,” she calls out over her shoulder.
“I don’t even want the car,” I call back to her, but she’s already halfway down the road.
A whole world away from me.
I could follow her—offer to talk through whatever else is bothering her—but that would probably do more damage. I’ve got no good words to say. I said all the bad ones already.
As the husk of my body trudges up the dirt road to the cabins, the rest of me comes along for the ride. Everything but my heart. That’s been ripped out of my chest. It’s with Tess now, cradled in her hands.
And the funny thing is I don’t even want it back. In fact, I’d open up my chest right here in the middle of the ranch if I could and offer the entire contents for her to keep. Clearly, I don’t know what to do with it.
When I’m halfway up the hill, I freeze, smack dab in the middle of the path. Cocking one ear, I listen hard, hoping against hope Tess will call out to me.
Ask me to come back, Tess. Anything. Just a little squeak. Like Rose floating on that door from the Titanic.
