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Epilogue
Raven
FiveYearsLater
“Mama, a cow!” Brant says, pointing at one of the hundred cows in the field. “A cow!”
“Moo,” our youngest, Gretchen, shouts.
I shake my head and laugh quietly. Our babies always love when we come to visit Cassia and Cord on the ranch. They run around like tiny crazy people, driving the ranch hands nuts. Luckily, the ranch hands are used to it. Cassia and Cord’s brood are just as wild as mine.
“Mama.” Willow, our oldest, tugs on the hem of my shirt.
“Yeah, sweetheart?”
“I think that cow is running away,” she whispers, pointing across the field.
I turn to look and laugh again. “That cow is definitely running away,” I say, watching as Patty slips through the fence and makes a beeline for the woods on the far side. She and one of the bulls here, Hamburger, are escape artists. They keep Cassia and Cord on their toes.
“Your cow is escaping again,” I tell my sister-in-law.
She looks up from her burger and groans. “Darn it. Cord!” she shouts. “Your cow is on the lam again.”
Cord whips around, spatula in hand, automatically homing in on Patty. “That one isn’t mine, pretty baby. She’s your hellion.”
Cassia makes a face at him. “Nope. When I have food, she’s yours.”
He chuckles and shakes his dark head, his eyes alight with humor. Cord is crazy about my sister-in-law. He’d chase the cow all over this mountain if it made her happy. I’m pretty sure he’s actually chased the cow all over this mountain for her more than once.
“Man the grill,” he says, handing the spatula to Rhys. “I gotta go find someone to catch the damn cow again.”
“You need to buy them some fucking cones like the vet uses,” Rhys mutters. “They couldn’t slip through the fence then.”
“We tried that once. It didn’t work.” Cord jogs toward the barn, a gaggle of little kids following in his wake. They love the giant cowboy. He’s so patient with them. He and Rhys love to give each other hell, but they’re a lot alike.
“They make cones big enough for cows?” Rhys asks his sister, flipping a burger.
“Cord had to engineer one.” Cassia giggles. “Hamburger destroyed it in fifteen minutes.”
Willow snuggles up beside me, laying her head against my arm.
“You okay, sweetheart? You didn’t want to go to the barn with the rest of the kids?”
“Nu-huh.” She smiles up at me. “I just wanted to sit with you, mama.”
My heart melts. I swear, she’s the sweetest little girl. If there’s any of Marnie in her, I don’t see it. She’s been with us since the day she was born. Marnie didn’t object to us adopting her. I think she knew that Willow would be better off with us than with anyone else.
Willow knows she has another mom. Marnie sends her cards, and they talk on the phone. Rhys took her to see Marnie a couple of times when she was a baby, but Marnie asked him not to bring her anymore. We all agree that’s for the best, at least for now. A prison is no place for a little girl, and seeing her didn’t help Marnie any. It sent her spiraling into a deep depression. Being able to see your child but never able to touch them has to be hard.
My feelings for Marnie are still conflicted. I don’t hate her. I don’t wish her any ill will. But I haven’t forgiven her either. She murdered my dad and tried to steal his company out of spite. He loved her wildly, and she destroyed him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive her for that. But I am grateful to her. Because of her, I have one of the biggest blessings in my life. My oldest daughter.
I’ve talked it out a thousand times in therapy and with Rhys, and I’ve learned to be okay with the way I feel. I’ve learned to be okay with being conflicted. We’re allowed to feel the way we feel. No one has all the answers. We just do the best we can and take it one day at a time.
Most days are good days. Rhys and I are stronger than ever. The way he loves me is indescribable. In his arms, I’m indestructible. He’s my safe place and my powder keg, the thing that grounds me and the one person on this planet that ignites me. After five years, I still want him as desperately as ever. I still ache and burn for him.
He still splits my world asunder with a touch. We survived hell and made our own heaven. We carved it out of the wreckage on a little island off the coast of Washington and filled it with babies. I still sing. Sometimes on the island, sometimes on stages around the world. I’ve had offers for record deals, but I didn’t sign any of them. I struck out on my own and did things on my own terms. I work with the producers I want to work with and make the music I want to make.
I’m not a superstar, but I never wanted to be. I just wanted to sing. And I have. But that’s not my only dream. Not anymore. Rhys is my dream now. Our babies are my dream now. The life we’ve built for ourselves is my dream now. It’s not full of glitz and glamour, but it’s perfect.
