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“What Mathias is trying to say, I think, is that we’re here for you. We’re looking for Jenya and we’re working with the Arcana. We’re not giving up,” Sophie says.
“Have I asked you to do that?” My words have the sharp edge of ungratefulness, but I can’t help it. “I want this chapter of my life closed. Finished. Ended. Jenya chose to go with Koschei. She didn’t like our day at the mall, and she didn’t want to go fuck knows where with the other children. And Ben chose to help her, not me. You’re all doing random shit under the pretense of helping me, but that’s not what I want. I just want to move on.”
“Okay, okay.” Damien raises his arms. “We hear you. Soph, Mathias, can you give me a moment alone with Tanya?”
They both nod and get up to leave. On the way out, Sophie puts her small palm on my shoulder for a second.
“Even if you push us away, we got your back, Tanya. We’re stronger together.”
I open my mouth to reply, but Damien tugs at my hand from across the table.
“Now, let’s get real. What is stopping you from getting Jenya back?” he asks. “You’re not stupid. You know she’s brainwashed, hurt, and confused. Level with me.”
My eyes widen. Damien’s words remind me of the way he used to speak to me in the village compound, under the tree, as I smoked.
I inhale, then release a shuddering breath.
“I am so angry,” I whisper. “And so, so tired. But you know what the craziest part is? I only want to survive. I don’t have the guts to sacrifice myself for anyone else, and I for sure don’t want to kill myself, no matter how horrible my life gets.”
“Why is that crazy?”
“You don’t think it is? Betraying your whole village and then begging to be saved? Accepting someone’s rule over my mind and body for years after, simply because I have nowhere to go? Letting you be a hostage in your own fucking home? Being unable to repay even a little bit of the life debt I have toward you? Accepting that a complete stranger could save you in weeks, while I couldn’t do shit for years?”
“This isn’t about me, Tanya,” he says.
“No, it is. Because ever since I was born, I’ve been carrying darkness inside me. It doesn’t go away, and when I get close to people, it spreads to them and I ruin their lives. So, yes, I don’t want to open up or rely on anyone. Because no matter what, I will survive. And I will suffer after because other people won’t. It’s how it works.”
Hot tears are spilling down my face, and I wipe at them with the backs of my hands. Why am I crying?
“Okay, let’s unpack that a little bit.” Damien scoots to my side of the table. “I know part of Koschei’s gospel was that the world, with its light and darkness, revolves around your village, and specifically around him and you as his successor. But the reality is, it doesn’t. You love cold logic. Let’s do that. Why did I save you from the fire?”
“Because I asked you to.”
“Sure, you made that choice in the end, but I could have let you die. At the time, I was battling my own demons. I was starting to see that my father’s way of conducting business wasn’t my way. You were part of my little rebellion toward my father. It wasn’t about you. If I had seen Jenya under that tree, I would have saved her.”
I blink at him, my eyes drying up little by little. “She would have been way too young.”
“Exactly. So it was you. You lived. But also Koschei and Jenya did. Because I made a mistake. Not because there is some supernatural darkness going around and making sure your nemesis stays alive. And what Penelope did to me and our son? No one but me could have prevented that. I was too in love back then to see that she was a monster and too focused on creating the life I’ve always wanted instead of living the life I had. And you’re doing the same right now. You’re stuck in the past and longing for a better future. The present doesn’t exist.”
“I don’t like the present,” I whisper, my breath steadying. I get what he’s trying to do. He thinks I’m spiraling and that I should reunite with Jenya, forgive Ben, and look at the world and see only cupcakes and rainbows.
“And that’s okay because the present fucking sucks. And I’m all for you enjoying everything Love and Err has to offer, but you living here looks to me like you’re trying to tune out the world outside.” Damien pulls me into a side hug.
“There’s nothing good out there,” I say against his shirt. My back is straight and I can’t relax.
He gives me a tight squeeze and releases me. “There is, trust me. And I know Koschei is fucking scary, but at the moment, he’s still keeping you imprisoned. Not physically, but mentally, you’re still hiding and living like the darkness will get you and you will be punished. But at the end of the day, who’s the one punishing you?”
I don’t reply because I’m sure he won’t like my answer. It’s the fucking world that keeps punishing me. For trusting, for giving things a chance, for loving.
“Jenya’s appearance is a gift,” he continues. “If you’re blaming the world, think about how it’s giving you a chance to reconnect with your family. The fact that she survived, twice, and found you, is a miracle.”
“You know what my family is like. Tainted and disgusting. Why would I want to reconnect with her? She’s the same as me. An abomination.”
“Because how you were conceived isn’t your fault, and it isn’t hers either. There is strength in acknowledging the parts of you that you can’t change. Even if you hate them.”
“I get it.” I take a big sip of my lukewarm green tea. I want this ‘intervention’ to be over.
“So are you going to let us help you? Please don’t close yourself off,” Damien says.
