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“When you said you’re taking me home, I didn’t think it would be the same as your workplace,” I tease Ben as we walk through the heavy main doors.
We ran from the police after Ben’s spectacular firework display, and I’m still buzzing with excitement. When we kissed, it was like all the pieces of my life suddenly fell into place. Moments like this are why I kept surviving, I thought. And now I get to truly live.
“Hey, it’s a great place to live. It’s safe, warm, has all the streaming services paid for, there’s no commute.” Ben lists all the pros of his living situation.
“But it’s just a room, isn’t it? Like in a college dorm?” I ask as we ascend the spiral staircase leading to the next floor.
“It’s a big room. And my neighbors are not some poor students. More like a community. A sophisticated community that lets me blow things up.” He seems comfortable and I find myself smiling at his messy hair and pinkened cheeks. He holds my hand like we’re teenagers and I revel in the feeling of his big palm covering mine. I never got to do any of that. I have a lot to catch up on.
We stop in front of a door and Ben pulls out his keys.
“Hey, man, do you know where the extra towels are?” Ivo comes out of the room next door, holding himself up on crutches. After he sees me, his face changes into a sly expression. “Never mind. Forget I was here.”
“Are you healing okay?” I ask because I feel that I need to fill the time it takes Ben to fumble with the lock.
“Yep, the bullet only grazed me. You two have fun.” He winks and disappears back inside.
“So how thin are the walls?” I ask Ben as we go into his room.
He flicks the light switch and I’m greeted with a compact studio that has everything a person might need—a little living room area, a gorgeous bed, a study corner, a kitchenette, and an en-suite bathroom. It’s bigger than mine, and I bet Ben doesn’t even pay rent for this.
“I told you it was nice,” he says after he sees my reaction. “And the walls are insulated, so if we were to be noisy, Ivo would have no trouble sleeping.”
His last words are said in a husky voice and I can’t help but clench my legs together. I’m about to have my first sleepover at a guy’s place—and there’s nothing and no one to keep us away from each other.
We wash our hands and Ben plops onto the bed. I sit next to him, feeling strangely shy.
Hell, Tanya, this guy has seen you tortured and destroyed. He’s seen you beat people with a shelf. Be brave.
That’s the thing—intimacy requires bravery. So I lace my fingers through his, getting his attention instantly. The air shifts, the quietness, becoming heavy with unspoken longing.
“This is going to sound stupid, but I’ve never had sex with feelings before.” I bite my lip, calling on a bit of pain to ease my racing heart. “The closest I got was with you on Valerie’s desk.”
“Well, neither have I. I had a few girlfriends in college, but it wasn’t anything serious. Once I stepped over Lavender’s threshold and got to know you, I knew I needed to be close to you. And after you let me taste you, I was done for.” Ben leans closer, his lips almost touching mine.
I take his invitation and gently press my mouth to his. It’s not really a kiss, not yet.
He pulls me closer, his arms wrapping around my waist. I’m afraid I will recoil from his touch, but my body warms from the feel of his hands. He has never been a cage for me.
We stay like that, breathing each other in until he moans and pulls away.
“What do you like? Everything you love, I want to do it all,” he says in a low voice. His ears are bright red and his chest is heaving as if he’s barely holding on to his desire. I’m glad I’m not the only one.
But he’s right. We promised each other communication—I have to be honest with him. Being a sex worker against my will and a cult survivor doesn’t make intimacy easy. I always let sex happen to me because it was the easiest way to go through with it. I never lost the pride in my body, which was able to withstand so much, or my dignity, which was the boundaries I decided for myself. All those meaningless, disgusting men couldn’t hurt my soul because I always protected it. And now it’s out, fluttering around me like an outer layer, eager to see how different sex will feel with someone I care about and trust.
“I’m not sure what I like,” I say truthfully. “It’s easier to say what I don’t.”
He drops to his knees and takes my hand. Without breaking eye contact, he kisses the underside of my wrist. I shiver in pleasure. Warmth tugs at my lower belly at the heat of his gaze.
“What if I ruin the mood?” I ask.
“I will keep kissing you, Firebird, no matter what you say. So get it out there. It will only make things better.” His warm breath tickles my skin as he moves his lips farther up my arm.
I put my free hand in his hair, running my fingers through it.
“I don’t want to be on my back. Never,” I whisper.
“What if I’m on my back?” Ben moves my legs apart and nestles between them. His hands glide up my calves, lifting my dress with the movement.
