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31
Michael
I can’t believe I actually said that.What other reason can there be?What other reason can therenotbe? Why is it that when it comes to the crunch, I’m unable to tell her how I feel? Why is it that when she looks at me with her big green eyes, I feel myself sinking into them, feel the barriers around my heart melting away, realize that somewhere along the way I’ve developed feelings for her, that I want her in my life, and not only because she is the mother of my child? I need her because she makes me feel… And maybe that’s the problem.
Once you start developing an emotional connection to someone else, once you make yourself vulnerable in that way, you’re opening yourself up to being hurt. Once my rivals discover that she and the child are the chinks in my armor, they’ll never stop, until they’ve hurt both of them. They’ll use them to get to me… Just as they had already tried once before.
Only now, the stakes are higher. She is pregnant.Dio santo!She is going to give birth to my child. A hot sensation stabs at my chest. I stare out of the window of my home office, where I had returned after hurting her with that last comment. I had wanted to hurt her. I had wanted her to feel a little of the agony I am going through, to understand how powerless I had felt in that instant when I had realized that I would do anything for her…for the both of them. I would give up my claim to being the Don if it meant that I could keep them safe…
And that…is non-negotiable. I owe it to myself to see this through. After coming this far, after taking on my own father, and facing my worst nightmares, I deserve to be the head of theCosa Nostra. This is what I was born for. This is what my mother sacrificed herself for. To ensure that I, one day, displace my father and changed the face of theCosa Nostra; modernize them so there will no longer be victims like my mother. And I thought I had been on track… Until she had come along and exposed just how frail my beliefs are.
I had thought I was not like my father, that all I needed was to seize power and I could wipe out all traces of how he had run our clans… But she’d shown me just how similar to him I am… When it comes to her…to my child. When it comes to what really mattered to me, I am as possessive as my father, if not more so. I am as controlling, as dominating, as hellbent on taking control and getting things done my way, no matter that it hurts the people I love most…Che cazzo!There is that word again.
Love; fucking love! I am in love with her; if only I could tell her that. Maybe then she’d understand why I act so over-the-top possessive with her? Why I want to stalk her, to ensure that she is safe. Why I want to follow her every move. Why I cannot bear to have her out of sight. Why I want to direct what she wears, who she meets, what she eats, where she lives… Why I put that stupid tracker in her... Because I want to take care of her. To protect her. To make sure that all of her needs are met. That she is provided for and happy and…
That will never work. F-u-c-k. I grip the edge of the window sill. That will only suffocate her. She is a wild thing, a woman who needs freedom to flourish. An artiste who needs to explore the world and take risks in order to create. Her imagination needs new experiences so she can reinvent herself. And me? I need her to be by my side, where I can keep her out of harm’s way.
I curl my fist and punch it down into the window sill. Pain shoots up my arm. Good. This is tangible, this is real, this…pain I can deal with. But if anything happened to her or to my child… I would—
"Mika, you, okay?"
Xander’s voice interrupts my thoughts. If it had been anyone else, I’d have told them to fuck off, but Xander… Well, when he speaks, you listen. Doesn’t mean that I have to come across as welcoming though, right?
His footsteps sound as he approaches me. There’s a touch on my shoulder and I know he’s paused beside me.
"Contemplating the view, eh?"
"I’m contemplating, something, all right," I mutter.
For a few seconds, he stands there without speaking. That’s the thing with Xander. Unlike my other brothers, who prefer to voice their concerns through speech, he prefers to use silence to convey his worry instead.
"It’s normal, you know," he finally says, "to feel insecure."
"Me, insecure?" I chuckle, "Now I know I’ve heard everything."
"Even big bad Capo’s have an Achilles heel."
"I didn’t think I had one until..." I pause, not sure how, exactly, to voice the words in my head without giving myself away completely. And some things…a man has to keep close to his chest. Not even for my favorite brother, am I willing to lay my feelings out there completely.
"Until her?" Xander says softly.
I blow out a breath, "This…sucks."
"You mean, you’re finally realizing that you are not as invincible as you thought you were?"
"Is that what this is?"
"It’s…something you are lucky to face,fratellone."
"Eh?" I shoot him a sideways glance, "I don’t feel lucky."
"That’s only because you haven’t acknowledged the true extent of your feelings for her."
"That fucking 'f' word."
"Yep," he laughs, "the one and only one that has brought the strongest of men to their knees, so you don’t stand a chance."
I turn to face him, "What are you trying to say?"
