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I frown at her words. I’ve been weeping inside. The kind of tears that leach into your skin and eat away at your insides. Acid rain which won’t stop until every part of me has been consumed. I feel empty, floating, like I’m high up there, looking down on myself and the movements I’m going through, where I’m pretending to live. The daily performances stretch out in front of me. It's what forces me to get up in the mornings, what forces me out of the house. The musical that killed him is, ironically, the reason I’m pushing myself to live. At the same time, I feel trapped by my duty to the other cast members, to the profession that brought me this far.
A chill runs down my back and I pull the jacket closed around myself. "I’m ready," I say simply.
"Are you sure?" She rubs my chilled hands. "If you’d rather stay behind—"
"No." I pull my hands from her hold and slide them into the pockets of the too-big coat. "I… I’m ready to see him."
57
Jeanne
I’m not ready. I can’t do this. I stand, frozen, at the entrance of the church. The aisle stretches out before me. The aisle I never did walk when we got married. This is the family church of the Sovranos, so Karma had told me on our way here. It’s where she and Aurora got married. It’s where they held the funerals for Luca’s brother, Xander, and his Nonna. And now, it’s his turn.
I try to take a step forward, but my feet seem stuck to the ground. I can’t do this. I don’twantto do this. I angle my body away from the sight of the open casket at the end of the aisle. That heavy sensation in my chest intensifies. My stomach churns. I’m going to be sick. I run my sweaty palms down the black dress I’m wearing. The one Karma had delivered to me yesterday. She grips my arm. On my other side Penny, too, turns to me.
"Jeanne? Do you want to sit down?" she asks.
I want to run out of here. I want to leave and pretend I never came to Palermo. That I never accepted a role in this musical. But then I’d have never met Luca. I’d have never known how it feels to want someone with your entire being. How it feels to subsume myself in another. To look at him and know my life has changed forever. To miss him with such gut-wrenching pain that every part of me knows I’ll always hurt for him. I may move on from this, but I’ll never know another man like him. Never feel this kind of overwhelming need to merge myself, my heart, my spirit, my life, my skin, my breath with another. Oh, god. A shudder grips me. My teeth chatter. I hunch further into Luca’s jacket and squeeze my fingers together.
"Jeanne?" Karma peers into my face. "Do you want to leave?"
Yes.
Yes.
I shake my head. I can do this. I have to do this. For him. I need to be strong for him. Need to show the world that I have it together. Just need to get through the next hour, then I can collapse into a corner.
"You sure? If you want to leave, no one will find fault with it."
"I want to do this." I square my shoulders, and turn back to face the front of the church.
"Penny and I are with you." Karma links her hand with mine.
Penny does the same on the other side. I squeeze both of their palms, touched at their show of support. I haven’t lost everything. I have his family and my friends, and my family back home. I may not be close to them, but they’re still there for me. And I have my ability to perform on stage, though that’s not my priority at the moment. Funny how quickly things change.
I move slowly up the aisle, flanked by Penny and Karma. The pews are filled with people I don’t recognize.
"Townspeople," Karma leans in and whispers. "The Sovranos are the first family of this city. Their ancestors pretty much set up the groundwork for this community. Over the years, they’ve helped people, touched lives in a way the government never has. Everyone has come to pay their respects."
I knew the Sovranos were important, but just how far-reaching their influence is, only comes home now. There are men wearing suits, women in dresses, families with kids all dressed in black, all of them quiet and somber as we pass them, even the children.
A few rows from the front, the mix of people changes. Now, it’s almost exclusively men, all wearing black suits, some holding their hats in their hands. They are of all ages, all shapes and sizes. What unifies them is the hardness of their features. Their narrowed gazes as they face forward.
"And these are the associates of theCosa Nostra—members from other clans, including our closest rival, theCamorra. When it's a wedding or a funeral, everyone turns out, even enemies, to pay respects," Karma adds.
At the end of the aisle, the Sovrano brothers wait for us—Michael, followed by Massimo, Axel, Christian, Seb and Adrian. All dressed in black. All watching us approach with narrowed eyes. Hard jawlines, glowering gazes. They are so similar to Luca.None of them is Luca.
A cold sensation yawns in my chest. Why me? Why did this have to happen to me? I could have prevented it and I didn’t. I know all the arguments against this line of thinking. Some of which I even believe… Yet nothing is a substitute for the man who is gone. Nothing I do will bring him back. I had one chance at finding true love. The kind that would last an entire lifetime. I had it and I lost it. And now nothing can replace it.
We pause a few feet away from the casket. Another shiver grips me. My shoulders quake. The coldness I’ve carried in my chest grows and spreads until my entire body is encased in ice. I don’t realize I’ve stopped until Karma touches my shoulder again. "Jeanne, say the word and we’ll leave. I swear, nobody will be upset with you."
I swallow around the rock that seems to have taken up residence in my throat, then shake my head.
I take another step, passing the row where Aurora and Elsa are seated. I reach the line of the Sovrano brothers, then tug at my hands.
Karma and Penny release them.
"You okay?" Penny whispers.
