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I nodded once.
“Then I can understand why you would be wary of taking a bottle of water from a friend, much less a stranger.”
She didn’t make it a big deal or sound remotely critical. Just took it in stride. We both grabbed plastic cups, and she opened her tidy little restroom. I filled my cup from the sink, and the tap water was probably the most welcome thing I’d drunk in a while.
When we were back in our seats, she studied me again. “You told me about some of what happened to you and that you’re looking for peace of mind. What do you need to find that?”
“Those hours back,” I admitted. “To know for certain what happened, because it can’t be worse than I what I keep imagining. To not worry the guys anymore. They’re spending so much time looking after me and trying to shield me from stuff. I’mnota fragile person, but I feel so…”
I didn’t have the words for what I felt. It didn’t fit into a tidy little box. If anything, it spilled out like chaos and scattered all over in a disorganized mess.
“I don’t know what I feel. I just don’t feel like me.”
“Do you mind if I ask where your parents are in this? Can you talk to them?”
“I don’t have a dad, or at least, not one that I know. He’s never been a fact of my life. My mother…um…I’m suing in court to be emancipated, because she’s currently having an affair with the very married father of one of my closest friends and…they’re living together. She moved out of the apartment a couple of days before Homecoming.”
Yep. Erin blinked.
“I have a temporary injunction granting me emancipation status while the court reviews my case. My lawyer has good feelings about it, because my mother moved out and has had limited time for me over the last couple of years.” Longer, but probably better to stay on target.
“I’m sorry to hear that. It has to be tough.”
“I’m kind of used to it. She’s never been… The words ‘emotionally available’ would never apply to her.” I chewed at my lower lip.
“You said your friends have been staying with you.”
“The guys,” I told her. “They’ve been my best friends for years…Coop goes all the way back to kindergarten. He’s been in my life pretty much for as long as I can remember. Jake’s been there for a long time, too. Ian came later, and Archie last. But…we’ve been tight.” I made a face. “I’m dating them.”
“So you have a boyfriend.”
“I kind of have three,” I admitted. “I had four, sort of, but Ian and I broke up. Well, I broke up with him because he was…he was doing this push and pull, and I didn’t know where he was coming from and he wouldn’t talk to me, and I never knew where I stood with Maddy so I thought it would be easier if I just stopped the dating part before our friendship tanked. I don’t want to lose any of them as friends, and there are some lines that once you cross them, you can’t come back.”
I squinted one eye closed as I met her speculative gaze. Okay, to be fair, it might not be speculative, but she definitely seemed to be focused on me. Which, I supposed, was her job.
“Not sure how you categorize train wrecks, but I just might be one.”
“Hmm, I think that might be an extreme view to take of yourself. What I hear is a lot of things have been happening, not all of which are under your control. In fact, as with most things in life, the only thing we can truly control is ourselves.”
“Not really sure what to do with that advice.”
“It’s not advice, it’s an observation. We’re not to the advice portion of our program. We’re unpacking things right now. Laying it all out so we can look at it.”
I picked up the water and took a really long drink of it. “What else do you want to know?”
“Let’s talk about your mother. Tell me about your relationship with her.”
We could be here all night. “How much time do we have left?”
“Enough,” Erin assured me. “Don’t worry about the clock, just focus on me.”
So, I told her about the relationship between Maddy and me. I explained why I’d decided to call her by her name. I had to keep jumping back and forth, partially because a part of me wanted to defend her, and the rest of me want to put my foot down on the accelerator of the bus and drive it right over Maddy.
When a little ding sounded, I paused and Erin glanced over at the clock.
“Our hour is up?” Somewhere in there, the hammering of my heart had chilled out and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach quieted.
“Not quite, I always leave five minutes so we can discuss what we want to do next, particularly because this was our first session. What I would like to do is schedule future sessions with you—I think we have a great deal more to unpack.”
