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“Psssh! I haven’t been! You two have barely said a word to each other in over a week!” Lani collects her bag, slings its strap over her shoulder, picks up her half-eaten lunch and faces me. “I swear to god, he’s not normally this boring,” she says. “Time was you couldn’t shut the loser up. All he ever wanted to do was talk to you. Or about you. It drove us all insane at home.”
“Noelani,” Theo growls. “Kindly fuck off and leave us alone.”
“I’m just trying to help,” she snaps back. “I don’t want you to fuck this up for the third…wait, is this thefourthtime?”
“Lani.” This time, it’s me who speaks. “It’s okay. He’s not fucking anything up. He’s just…giving me space.”
Theo shoots me a surprised look. Did he really think I’d say something different? Give him shit? Make him feel bad for his silent companionship over the past week? He frowns at me as I address Lani. “I’m…processing. Trying to understand. Trying to figure out if I should even be here or not. I mean, I have no reason to stay here now.”
“You do still need to graduate,” Theo reminds me.
“So do you,” I retort.
“No, he doesn’t,” Lani says, laughing. Her smile fades when she sees the murderous look on Theo’s face.
“What?” I look back and forth between the two of them, my gaze landing on Theo. “What’s she talking about.”
“I already graduated. A while ago,” Theo says stiffly. He sets his spoon back down in his bowl with a clatter.
“Our mother insisted,” Lani says sheepishly. “You were back in the hospital. Lorelei said that she wouldn’t pay for Theo’s scholarship if he didn’t finish his senior year—”
I feel sick to my stomach. “Oh my god, why aren’t you in college? What are youdoinghere?” I already know the answer to this question. Theo just looks at me pointedly.
“We always said we’d do college together,” he says quietly.
“You need to stay here and finish out the year,” Lani says. “I haven’t graduated yet, either. Personally, I’m thrilled by the idea of being a freshman at college with you both.”
“You should be so lucky,” Theo mutters.
“Likewise!” Lani fires back. “Anyway. I reallyamleaving. Sounds like you guys are about to take a journey down memory lane that I have no desire to join you on.” She wrinkles her nose. “Seriously. Gross.”
“Child,” Theo tosses over his shoulder after her. He goes back to staring at his soup once she’s out of earshot.
I lean back in my chair, assessing him quietly. His hair falls into his face, obscuring his expression, so it’s hard to get a read on him. I get the distinct impression that he’s feeling a little uncomfortable, though.
“You wanna talk about the graduation thing or the virginity thing?” he asks.
“The virginity thing.” If I think too hard about the fact that Theo is currently repeating his senior year even though he’s already graduated, because ofme, I think I might have a nervous breakdown.
“Are you trying to ask me if…” He sighs, looking up at me. Frustration lingers in his eyes. “If you wereyouwhen you lost your virginity? Or if I slept with another version of you. One with no memory of me.”
My stomach twists itself into a tight knot. I hadn’t been thinking of it in those terms, but now that he puts it that way, I suppose it’s a salient question. Theo sees my answer on my face. “Can you come to my room tonight? This isn’t a topic of conversation I wanna discuss now, with half the dining hall watching us.”
I show up at eight on the dot, just like he told me to. Theo Merchant might look like he got dressed in the dark most days, but holy fuck does he make it look good. His hair is wet, tucked behind his ears. He smells fresh. Clean. He didn’t shave tonight, while he evidently was showering, and a smattering of dark scruff marks his jaw. In a fitted black t-shirt and blue jeans, he looks ridiculously sexy. A ‘he-could-have-any-girl-he-wants’level of sexy that makes my toes curl against the plush rug beneath my feet, as he stalks across his room and plants himself on the edge of his bed.
Hecouldhave any girl he wanted, but somehow Theo chose me. He’s chosen me again, and again, and again, even though it’s cost him so much.
Clear-eyed, he holds out a hand to me. “I want you next to me,” he says. A command. One I won’t dispute. No matter how alien it feels to me, I know I’m safe when I’m in his arms. It’s an irrevocable fact that my body knows on a cellular level, even if my mind and my memories don’t.
Accepting his hand, I sit in his lap. Going by his surprised intake of breath, he wasn’t expecting me to make myself comfortable by planting myself right there, curling myself around him, but I want to be buried in him. I want to drown in the scent of him, bask in the warmth of him, and feel secure in the cage of his arms as they crush me to his chest. Ineedit more than I knew I possibly could.
Tucking my head under his chin, Theo folds me into his arms, holding me close, exactly how I want him to. Curled up against him, my body fits perfectly here, as if it was made to snap into place against him. His warm breath stirs my hair. Thethrum, thrum, thrumof his heart counts out a steady, comforting beat against my ear drum.
“You always fought me when I wanted to hold you like this,” he says. The bass swell of his voice sounds huge with my ear pressed up against his ribcage. Like when he draws the bow of his cello across the lowest note and sustains it perfectly, making the very air inmylungs vibrate.
C2.
Somehow, out of nowhere, I know that, with the way Theo tunes his cello, the lowest note he can play is C2.
