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So much joy and so much pain, all demanding to be felt at once. It’s almost too much to bear.
Over and over again, my trip to New York with Theo repeats itself, forcing its way in between these snapshots of other times and places, demanding to beseen. That moment he and I shared in that Brownstone was a cornerstone; so much has pivoted around that moment, where Theo officially told me he was in love with me for the first time, and I reciprocated. That was our point of no return. We made promises that have kept us irrevocably anchored to one another, but have cost us so much in the process.
I knowwhereI am. I knowwhoI am. I roll onto my side and tuck my knees into my chest, silently sobbing aseverythingcomes back to me. Even the things I don’t want to remember.
My time as Amelia.
My time as Rachel.
These memories are strange, distorted things. I see them as if I’m observing them from outside my body. Like they don’t really belong to me. I suppose they don’t. I cry even harder when I tiptoe through my time as Catherine. The drugs. The screaming. The fights. My god, the amount of shit I put Theo through is unimaginable. I can’t even begin to process any of that, so I quickly shut it all down. I’m going to have to face it at some point, but for now, the onslaught of it all is just too much.
“Hey, Kid.”
The soft sound of Theo’s voice makes me tremble.
Oh god. I can’t face him. Not like this, after I snuck out on him in the middle of the night, to do something he so desperately didn’t want me to do.
“Sorrell.”
I am the worst human being alive. I bury my face into the bleached sheets of the hospital bed.
“Shhh, it’s okay.” The gurney groans as he climbs up onto the mattress behind me. Deftly, he slides his arm around me, navigating the IV and all of the wires that are attached to me, and then gently holds me to him. His whispers into my hair, his breath skimming the back of my neck. “You nearly gave me a heart attack.Again,” he murmurs.
“I’m sorry,” I moan. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Don’t be. You’re okay. You’re gonna be okay.”
“You’re not mad at me?”
After a long second, I feel him shake his head. “No. Not you. I’m mad at myself. You were brave. You came and did this by yourself, ’cause I was too scared to even consider it. I should have been here for you. I should have held your fucking hand—”
‘Don’t youdare.” I spin around in his arms, needing to see him. My heart shatters into a million pieces when I lay eyes on him, though; with his bloodshot eyes, and the massive hollows under his eyes, and the deathly pallor of his skin, he looks like he’s been through hell and back. “Don’t youdarefeel bad for not being here.” I grit the words out, each one desperately painful. “You’d suffered through enough. I didn’t want you to have to hold my hand and kiss me goodbye before they wheeled me into that O.R. I couldn’t do it to you. It was selfish of me, too. So, so fucking selfish, but I don’t regret it. Not now that I remember how many times you’ve already had to—”
Theo goes stiff, his eyes widening. “Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Youremember?”
The hope in his eyes nearly breaks me. My anchor. My home. He’s never faltered. Never once let me down. Even when I got it into my head that I needed to murder him, for fuck’s sake. He’s never walked away. I have no idea how I’ll ever be worthy of him…but I’m damn well going to try to be.
“Tell me you’re in love with me, and I’ll risk death to find my way back to you,” I whisper.
He sits bolt upright in the bed, staring down at me. “Sorrell?”
“Tell me you’re in love with me, and we’ll survive anything. Together.”
His eyes shine, full of tears. “I’m in love with you,” he says.
“Tell me you’re in love with me, and I’ll—” I don’t get a chance to finish. Theo cuts me off with his mouth, kissing my words away. He’s gentle, handling me as if I might break. And there’s a good chance I might. I feel like hammered shit. My head has never hurt this badly before, and my body feels so unbelievably weak, but with Theo kissing me, holding me in his arms again, I’ve never felt more invincible.
EPILOGUE
Toussaint is a puzzle box,revealing its secrets to me slowly. A flower, blooming, unfolding its petals one at a time. I belong here. I have history here. So many moments that I never thought I’d get back steal out of the woodwork, sneaking up on me, taking me by surprise.
I loved being here with Theo. It wasn’t just about him, though. I had a love affair with Toussaint itself. The vaulted ceilings, and the creeping ivy across the old leaded windowpanes. The smell of wood smoke at dawn, and the pristine blanket of snow across the lawns on winter mornings. I loved the library and sitting on the hearth of the fireplace in the Great Room, reading a book while the crackling fire toasted my back.
Toussaint is unbearably romantic, now that I see it through these new slash old memories. The special moments Theo and I have shared here are innumerable.
I have great memories with other people here, too.
“Lani said you were looking for me?”
