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Me: Yeah, let’s chat tonight. Sorry, I’m at work, gotta run.
It’s shitty and sort of cold, but I can’t help it. I’m pissed off and annoyed and the only thing I care about right now is how much I might have screwed things up. I switch over to my text messages, ignoring the message Wine Queen sends back in response. Even though I know she’s who I should be focusing my attention on, she’s not who’s on my mind right now.
And as much as I know there is no future for Penny and me, I still can’t leave things the way they are between us. It’s not just that I don’t want her thinking the wrong thing about me or what happened between us, but we work together and we’re going to see each other every day, so we need to get along.
Me: Pen, I wasn’t apologizing for what happened, ok? I’m not sorry it happened either and I should have explained that better. I also didn’t tell anyone about us. I wouldn’t do that. Not because I’m sorry, but because it’s no one’s fucking business.
I pause, unsure what else I should say. I try to remember all the things she shouted at me just minutes ago, something about her vagina and giving up the goods, but to be honest, my brain can’t put it all together.
She’d looked so damn sexy standing there yelling at me and even though I know I should’ve been listening, should’ve been responding to what she was saying. Hell, I should’ve pulled her into my arms and kissed her, but I didn’t do a damn thing.
I stood there like a mute, my actions probably only serving to convince her that she should be regretting sleeping with me.
“Fuck’s sake,” I mutter to myself as I slip my phone back into my pocket. When I turn back to the ladder, I see Jack walking toward me, a huge grin on his face. “Shit,” I murmur, looking around quickly as I seriously contemplate just walking away so I don’t have to deal with his shit too.
“Tommy!” Jack shouts and I know I’ve missed my opportunity. “Hold up a sec, will you?”
I let out an exhale, forcing myself to stay calm even though I’m positive Jack’s gonna be on my ass like he was this morning.
“Jack,” I say, my tone strangely formal. “What can I do for you?”
He gives me a weird look as though he’s confused by my question or the way I’m talking to him. “Ahh, you can start by not being such a weirdo,” he says, hands on his hips. “What the fuck’s going on with you today?”
“Nothing.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “Bullshit,” he says. “First you’re all wound up over something when I run into you this morning. I mean you’re giving off this wholeI got laidvibe, but you’re even more pissed off than usual. So, I’m guessing it was either shit sex, which is still sex, so…” he pauses, shrugging his shoulders as if to sayso whatbefore he continues. “Or, it was great sex but the morning after was a disaster and you didn’t get a repeat performance. Now, which one is it?”
I blink once, my brain trying to process the words he’s just said as he stands there, hands on his hips and an expectant look on his face.
“Tommy?” he prompts.
“What?”
Jack rolls his eyes. “Jesus christ, you’re a mess, man, a mess!”
I shake my head, shoving a hand through my hair. “I’m fine,” I lie. “Now, did you want something, ‘cause I’ve got stuff to do.” I’m being an asshole and I know it, but I can’t seem to stop myself.
“Yeah,” Jack says, giving me a sideways glance that tells me he’s not happy. “I did want something.”
“And?” I say rolling my hand at him as if to say hurry the fuck up.
“And,” he says, exaggerating the word, “we need to run the guys through the bottling process, so they are ready to go when the next batch of cider is ready. You good to help me out with that?”
I take a long deep breath in, knowing that any semblance of peace today has now been shot to shit by Jack’s request. Not only am I going to have to spend the day with the new guys, teaching them stuff, I’m also going to have to listen to the shit they’re constantly talking about, which seems never ending.
“Sure,” I eventually say. “Just give me a sec to finish up here and I’ll be right in.”
The day passes slowly and by the time I’m heading home, I’m exhausted and grumpy. The empty wine bottles from the night before are still sitting on the kitchen counter, taunting me almost with what happened last night and what I know can’t happen again.
Gathering them up, I take them out for recycling before heading inside to take a long hot shower. Afterward, I grab a beer from the fridge and head out to the back porch with my phone.
As I sit down though, I realize I never sent the text message to Penny, which means she probably thinks I’m even more of a dick for my continued radio silence toward her.
“Oh man,” I exhale to myself, taking a long swig of beer before opening up the message I was composing. I quickly read over what I’d typed, before adding to it.
Me: Pen, I wasn’t apologizing for what happened ok. I’m not sorry it happened either and I should have explained that better. I also didn’t tell anyone about us. I wouldn’t do that. Not because I’m sorry, but because it’s no one’s fucking business. I really value our friendship and I don’t want to lose that. I know we work together and I don’t want shit to be awkward, so can we still be friends…try and get past this?
It’s still a lame ass apology and not even close to what I really want to say, but given the situation, it’s the best I can come up with. Because as much as I really like Pen and would definitely be up for exploring where things could go with her, I know I can’t. For so many reasons.
