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Chapter Thirty
Tessa
The guilt I feel is practically eating me alive as I sit in my car, hiding out in an empty church parking lot. I didn’t even know it was a church when I pulled in here. I just saw it was empty and I needed a place to clear my head. Not that I’ve ever even gone to church and there’s no way I’m going to start now. Guess I could rub elbows with Mary, see if I could get her to spill the truth on how she got knocked up. We could trade stories and bitch about how the guy didn’t want to be a dad.
Actually, I don’t even know if that last part is true. I haven’t given Dylan the opportunity to tell me what he wants. I’m just assuming given our previous conversation and then our avoidance of discussing it further. I have no idea how to handle this, but I’m sure avoiding Dylan and making myself feel guilty are not it.
I hate that he’s worried about me. I hate that I’m ignoring him. This isn’t us. We don’t do this anymore and I need to give him more credit, but even I’m struggling with the news. I can only imagine what it will do to him.
But in the grand scheme of things, I’m not a teenager. I’m a grown ass woman with a career and the means to support a baby as a single mother. It would suck, but if that’s the road I have to take, then so be it.
My phone chimes out again and I don’t even have to look at it to know it’s Dylan. There’s no way he’s not at my house, pacing the floor, wondering where the hell I am. We’ve fallen into this comforting little routine, and I’m fucking it all up right now. I’m being selfish and scared and I need to let him know I’m okay.
Me: Hey sorry. I ran to the store and
I stop mid-text because anything I type is going to be a lie and I certainly can’t text him the truth. That feels like something I need to do in person, that is, if I can work up the courage to ruin a good thing. I try again, this time not so much as a lie, but still not the truth.
Me: Hey sorry. I’ll be home in a bit. Got caught up with something.
I hit send and Dylan’s response is instant.
Dylan: Ok, babe. I’m at your house. I’ll get dinner ready.
Dylan: And don’t do that again. You scared the shit out of me.
He thinks he’s scared now, just wait till I tell him why I really disappeared. He’s going to be stunned speechless.
Me: Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’ll be home soon.
He has to realize my messages aren’t the usual upbeat and flirty tone that has become our norm. He’s observant enough to know something is up, especially now that things between us have changed. We don’t hide things or pretend like we aren’t in a relationship. But here I am hiding something from him.
I need to go home, but I also need to gather my thoughts and figure out the best way to tell him I’m pregnant. We didn’t prepare for this. It was a massive fuck up on my part. Stupid shot. I only went with it because I was too lazy to take a pill every day and I didn’t want an IUD since I did think I would one day have kids. And not to mention, I wasn’t actively having sex when I chose the option. But I can’t blame the shot. I can only blame myself for missing my appointment and putting myself at risk of getting pregnant. Again, like earlier in our relationship, I didn’t give Dylan all the facts. I didn’t tell him I missed my appointment and that my shot might not be effective. Although, I didn’t realize how far I was off by. I really thought I still had a few weeks left, not remembering I had already rescheduled my appointment.
Fuck my life. This is a disaster. Trying to explain all this is going to make me sound like I’m making excuses for my irresponsibility.
The only other pregnant person I know is Lauren and she wanted it to happen. She and Jack went into it together, but maybe she can still help me out. We’ve grown closer with all the work I’ve done at Somerville’s and now it’s like talking to a friend when we sit down to meet about any of the jobs she has me working on. It might help to talk with her and see if she has some advice for me. I had cut short our working meeting today, so I hope she is okay with me reaching out now with something personal.
Me: Hey Lauren. Any chance you’re free to have a chat with me about something tonight? I need some advice.
Lauren: Of course. You want to meet me at the house? I know it’s not done, but I’m still here at Penny and Tommy’s and I’m sure you don’t want Jack’s two cents on everything. LOL
Me: Thanks. I’ll meet you there.
This isn’t what I told Dylan and I don’t want to keep him waiting, but I really need some help figuring out what to do here. He’ll understand if I tell him I’m meeting up with Lauren.
Me: I gotta head back to Somerville’s to meet up with Lauren. Put dinner on hold. I’ll text you when I’m on my way home.
Dylan: You sure you’re ok?
Me: Yes, I’m fine. We’re fine.
I type that last line and it feels like a lie. Are we fine?
I make my way to Lauren’s, letting myself in and finding her sitting in a folding chair with a bottle of water and a plate of pizza in front of her.
“Pull up a chair and grab some pizza. I brought you a water too. Let me guess, you have some big news?” she says, smiling kindly at me. “Feels like I did this with Penny when her life was feeling out of control.”
I laugh a little at how well she knows me. Really, how well she knows all of us. We aren’t just people who work for her. We’re friends, and she cares about each and every one of us. She’s easy to talk to and even though she likes to joke about her life being a disaster before she got together with Jack, she gives great advice.
