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I stiffened, unprepared for such a sensible question. It had never occurred to me that the visions were symptomatic of something far more worrying. This time, when he held out his hand, I grasped it.
‘God, you’re so pale,’ he said. ‘And cold.’ He drew me towards him.
His breath was warm, so close, and mingling with mine. Not yet, I wasn’t ready. I needed more time to know for certain, so I hesitated, just long enough for him to register the reticence in my face, and he let go. My hyper-aware acuity remained sharp and needy, as if searching for an outlet. I saw details that weren’t important: the outer edges of the print on his t-shirt were peeling away from the cotton; the pierced ear lobe; the necklace of gold pressed against his throat. Was this the first time he had worn it? A Saint Christopher pendant hung between his collar bones.
I touched it with my fingertip. ‘Did you wear this especially for today?’
His chin lowered. ‘It was a gift. From someone who takes these things more seriously than me.’
I sharply withdrew my hand and looked up into his eyes. ‘I didn’t come here for that kind of spiritual enlightenment.’
His shoulders stiffened. ‘A ruined abbey is much the same as a ruined castle. I wasn’t implying your reason was anything other than that.’
I took a step back. ‘I do like the tranquillity.’ I manoeuvred around him, and he followed me as I stepped out of the shadows into the sunlight. I blinked several times. ‘It’s perfectly located, isn’t it? A flat valley, the river, grazing land and trees for…’
I stopped so abruptly, he nearly collided with me. ‘What? Are you having a funny turn again?’
‘No.’ I frowned. ‘I wasn’t having one in the first place. I’m not epileptic. I just realised something.’
He glanced at his wristwatch. ‘It’s nearly closing time.’
I gaped. ‘Really? I’ve been here that long?’
He smiled. ‘I managed to finish off Bolton this morning, drive here and find you, and you’ve been here all this time?’
‘I had a bit of a lie in.’ Followed by a late breakfast, and a fruitless conversation. My request for access to the internet had been met with a bemused look by the woman at the guest house. ‘Most of our working guests have laptops. We have a connection point in the sitting room,’ she had said in a busy voice. I regretted not asking for a laptop from David.
‘I’ve taken lots of photographs.’ Two whole reels of film. ‘And a picnic lunch.’
The soft smile spread across his face. ‘You really do have a passion for these kind of places. I’m actually jealous.’
We walked toward the kissing gate. ‘Don’t you feel anything while you paint?’
‘See, now feel? Still seeking my motivations?’
‘I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.’ I grinned.
The expression of mirth fell off his lips; I’d done it again, thrust him into a place of deep discomfort. The time and location weren’t appropriate for revelations, but I was determined that if we were to understand what had brought us together, one of us had to come clean.
‘What are you doing tomorrow?’ I asked.
He waited for me to swing the gate, and only when we were both on the same side again, did he answer. ‘Nothing special.’
‘There’s a white horse cut into a chalk hillside. Do you fancy looking at it?’
‘Where are you staying tonight?’
‘Thirsk.’
He nodded, musing on my choice. ‘I’m moving, too. But closer to Scarborough. I’m on the way there now.’
I was too far away; my idea wasn’t sensible. ‘Perhaps we should just meet up on Monday, at Helmsley Castle?’
‘Sure.’
There was no mistaking the tone; I flinched. ‘I’ll see you there then.’
We parted company by the gift shop. Joseph strolled away, unperturbed by the last part of our exchange. I went into the shop and brought a book on the history of Rievaulx. Sitting in my car, I flicked through the pages and found what I was looking for. Once again, I had managed to imagine something of which I had no prior knowledge. And there was another odd coincidence. Joseph had been present, as he had been at Richmond and Middleham, and he had witnessed me drift away in a nightmarish recreation. My waking dreams were becoming claustrophobic and intense, and I was suspicious of why.
