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I flick my eyes over to James, who’s watching us with those intense eyes of his. “He’s pretty fantastic.” I wave Leo over. “And so is this one.”
Leo presses a kiss to the top of my head. “Welcome home, sis.”
Tyler tilts his head in question, and I bite back a smile.
We all spend the afternoon together. Sadie tells us about the updates she’s made at the shelter since my donation. Tyler shows us adorable videos of Jenna. And Phil cracks us up with his funniest police stories.
While we’re all together, happy and healthy, my mind wanders to Cory. I can’t help but wonder how he’s doing right now and if he’ll be okay.
Later on, after everyone says good night and Tyler is settled in his old room down the hall, I lie on James’s chest. In the dim light of the moon streaking through the window, I listen to the rhythm of his heartbeat, strong and steady.
“You know how people say their lives flash before their eyes when they’re about to die?”
He hums and turns to face me.
“I didn’t see my dad, or my mom, or Tyler. No familiar memories from my childhood. No bright light.” I touch my fingers to James’s cheek, sliding along his cheekbone, tracing the edge of his jaw, and outlining his lips. “I saw you.”
“You did?”
I smile at the surprise in his voice. “I saw you and our future. I saw all the things I want for us. And I thought what a shame it would be if we didn’t get to have it. For the first time in my life, I didn’twantto die. I didn’t want to give up. I felt regret, like there were all these things I haven’t had a chance to experience yet, and I wasn’t ready to leave.” I inhale a shaky breath. “I held on to you through the darkness, and you brought me back, just like you said you would.”
“That was all you. Your strength and the fight inside you. It’s been in there all along.” He wraps his strong arms around me. “You were a phoenix long before you weremyphoenix.”
“Maybe that’s true. Or maybe we can’t become all we’re meant to be until we meet the person who brings it out in us.”
“And we can’t meet those people if we’re not here.” James cradles my face as his words pierce my heart. “Look at the people you were surrounded by today. Look at who you’ve affected just by knowing them. My brother might not be here if it weren’t for your friendship, helping him and pushing him—pushing me to support him in ways I didn’t know how. Look at the things Sadie was able to do with the shelter because of your generosity, not to mention all the people’s lives you brightened by hosting that adoption event. You took a bullet for me and spared my father from burying his son. You’re the reason your brother is dealing with his childhood trauma from your mother, which will make him become a better father for Jenna. Look at how happy you’ve made me. Look at it all, Phoenix.” A tear slides down his cheek and drops onto the pillow. “You couldn’t have done any of those things if you weren’t here, on this earth.”
I see it now, but I know I couldn’t have seen it then. I was too sick. My perception was too skewed. And that’s all it comes down to—perception.
My mind won’t settle, thoughts racing long after James falls asleep. Around midnight, I slip out of bed and tiptoe into the spare bedroom where my journal sits atop a folding table. I’ll be turning this room into my writing space come spring.
My pen moves across the paper as I write as fast as I can:
You look at things the way your brain presents them to you, and it’s not the way life actually is. That’s the reason so many of us don’t make it. It’s impossible to overcome when you don’t have the proper help.
Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows and cuddly puppies. Those things do exist, but in a dark tunnel when all you can see are dark clouds, pain, and despair, it makes life seem hopeless. We need to hold on to hope, hold on to the possibility that things can get better. We need to take hold of the power we possess and take control of the demons wreaking havoc in our brains.
Talk to someone.
Get help.
Stop making ourselves the victims in our own lives, and start being the warriors we are.
Depression will always be there, lurking and waiting for the right moment to rear its ugly head. Instead of hating myself for it and trying to hide it, I’ve made the darkness a part of me. It’s not a flaw or something I need to be ashamed of. It just is, the way my hair is brown and my laugh is loud. It’s who I am and what makes me the person I am today.
But it no longer consumes me.
I lose track of time as I write until James creeps into the room and watches me from the doorway.
“I love watching you when you’re inspired.”
I smile and close the book with the pen inside. “I had to get that out before I fell asleep.”
“You ready to come back to bed?”
“I’m ready.” I walk over to him and drape my arms around his neck as he swoops me into his arms. “Bring me back, James.”
“I always will.”
