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“Doesn’t mean you should do it. Those underground rings aren’t safe.”
“I’ll be safe.”
“It’s not you I’m talking about.” Dad balls his napkin in his fist. “People fight dirty. I’ve gotten calls about those fights down at the station. It’s only a matter of time before someone dies.”
“I need to fight, okay? Just let me have this.”
“Why?”
“I’m clean.”
My fork drops onto my plate, and Dad stops chewing.
“Have been for over a month now.” Leo rubs the back of his neck, looking between the both of us. “I know you think I won’t be able to stay clean, but I can. I want to.”
Dad watches him as if he doesn’t believe him. “That’s why you disappeared?”
He nods. “I didn’t want you to see me detoxing. It was… ugly.”
“Why?” I can’t help the disbelief in my tone. “Why now?”
Leo stares down at his plate, the muscles in his jaw clenching and releasing. “My friend overdosed. The one I’ve been staying with. I found him in his basement.”
I shake my head. “So, you came back home because you couldn’t stay at your friend’s house for free and get high anymore.”
“No, that’s not it.” He lifts a shoulder and lets it fall. “I don’t want that to be me. I don’t want one of you to find me like that, cold, in a pile of vomit.”
“That’s good to hear, Leo. Because I don’t want to find you like that either.” Dad swipes a tear with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry about your friend. But sometimes it takes a loss like that to kick you in the ass and send you in the right direction.”
“What does you getting clean have to do with underground fighting?” I’m not trying to be a dick, but I need to understand.
Leo wipes his palms on his jeans, something he’s done since he was a kid whenever he’s nervous. “Some people drink when they want to numb their pain.” His eyes flick to Dad before dropping back down to his lap. “If I’m not getting high anymore, then I need to replace that feeling. I need to feel… something.”
“And getting punched in the face does it for you?”
“It’s the rush of adrenaline when I’m in the fight.”
I blink at him. “Shit, I can kick your ass every night if you want me to. Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
Leo flips me off, but he’s smiling. Dad laughs too, and that’s all I need to see.
“I just want my boys happy and healthy.” Dad reaches across the table and covers Leo’s hand with his. “I’m glad you came home, son. And I’m proud of you for wanting to get clean.”
Dad and his hopeful heart. We both know Leo declaring hewantsto stay clean is much different than Leo actually staying clean. But I don’t have the nerve to say it. Dad needs something good to hold on to right now. It feels like the three of us have been drifting through the underworld for years. Lost souls, barely alive. Or maybe Mom took them with her when she left us.
Maybe this is all our lives are meant to be without her.
Nighttime is the worst.
After dinner, I cleared off the table, washed the dishes, packed Dad’s lunch for tomorrow, watched a movie, and folded my laundry. Now I don’t know what to do with myself.
I roll onto my back and stare into the darkness of my room. Sleep never comes easy. Not since Mom died. It’s the reason I take as many night shifts as I can. I try to recall the happy memories—her bright smile, her warm hugs, the sound of her voice. Until the last vision I have of her flashes through my mind and destroys everything that came before it.
A soft light streaks through my window, drawing my attention. I sit up and lean over to see where it’s coming from. My room is on the side of the house, overlooking the alley I caught Leo smoking pot in earlier. But as I stare out my window, I realize Phoenix’s bedroom is on the side of her house as well.
Directly across from mine.
My eyes dart away on instinct, but curiosity gets the better of me and my gaze wanders back. Her long dark hair is wet, and she’s wearing a white robe as she lowers herself onto her bed. I should look away. I’m invading her privacy. But I can’t bring myself to turn my head. Something about the way she sits there staring down at her hands in her lap calls to me.
