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“I knew.” He turns over my hand and lifts up my sleeve to inspect my wrist. “I knew what you did to yourself. I was just waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to tell me about it.”
“It’s not something I wanted to share with anyone.”
And James’s reaction proves why.
Leo twirls a strand of my hair. “We all want to stop the pain. Some of us are just more proactive about it than others.”
A laugh escapes me. “You’re sick for making a joke about this.”
“And you’re just as sick for laughing at it. The humor is how we survive.”
I look up at the ceiling. “God, we’re a sorry pair.”
“Hey, Nix?” He nudges me with his knee. “Will you tell me what it felt like?”
My eyebrows press together. “To die?”
He nods. “Did you regret it while it was happening? Or did you feel relieved?”
I choose my words carefully, knowing he’s trying to make sense of what his mother did. “I felt relieved. Tired. Weightless. Like I was drifting off to sleep, and everything was calm.”
He lets his head fall back against the couch. “So, no pain then?”
I grip his hand and lie again. “No pain.”
His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “Good.”
Sadness and guilt seep into my stomach. “Leo, I’m so sorry your mom went through that. I’m sorry she’s gone. I’m sorry she couldn’t find her way out of the darkness. But I hope you know that it’s not your fault, and she’d tell you the same thing if she were here.”
He nods, and he swats away a tear as it springs free. “I don’t take that responsibility like my brother does. But I just wish she would’ve opened up to me and told me what she was going through. I wish I was older when it happened. Maybe I could’ve helped her in some way.”
“You were her son. I’m sure she didn’t want to put that on you, regardless of how old you were.”
“I miss her.”
A ball of emotion clogs my throat. “I wish I could’ve known her.”
“Me too.” He laces our fingers. “I’m glad I could know you though.”
I smile through my tears. “You might not have been able to help your mom, but you’re helping me. Knowing that I have your friendship makes all the difference. Please know that.”
He wipes his eye again. “Shit, Nixie. You’re making me emotional when I’m supposed to be tough and manly.”
A laugh bursts out of me. “Is that why you got all these tattoos? To make you look tough and manly?”
He grins. “Had to disguise the teddy bear inside me somehow.”
“Nah, you’re not a teddy bear. You’ve got a lion heart.”
“Guess that makes James the cowardly lion then.”
I say nothing. Jamesisscared, and rightfully so. We shouldn’t fault him for that—no matter how much it hurts.
“You gotta help him find his heart, Nix. It’s in there. I know it is.”
I bury my face in a decorative pillow and groan. “It’s not my job to find his heart. He needs to dig deep and find his own damn courage if he wants to have any kind of happiness in life.”
“He’ll get over this temper tantrum. Give him time.”
