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His eyes hold mine. “Do you forgive me?”
James might’ve hurt my feelings, but he’s here trying to make things right. He opened up to me, and he cares enough to try.
“I do. I appreciate your apology and your honesty.” I wring my hands in my lap. “But I need you to be sure that you want to be with me. If you can’t because of everything you went through with your mom, then tell me. I get it. We can just be friends, if that’s what you want. I’ll understand.”
“Honestly, I’m scared shitless. I’m scared of what’ll happen to me if I let you all the way in. I’m scared to lose you. I’m scared that I won’t be enough to make you want to live. I’m scared I’ll find you the way I found my mother.”
His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “But you’re worth that fear, because I don’t want to go back to living my life without you in it. These past few days without you have been hell. Not a moment goes by that I’m not consumed by thoughts of you. And no, Phoenix. I don’t want to be friends with you. That’s the last fucking thing I want. I can’t imagine a worse torture than beingjust friendswith the woman who haunts my dreams every night.”
He pulls me onto his lap, and I straddle him with my legs on either side of his hips. “Iyearnfor you. My fingers itch to reach out and touch you. My tongue craves your taste. I want you on me, your hair surrounding me, your scent filling my lungs.” He pulls me close, and his lips speak against mine as he says, “I ache for youeverywhere. It takes all of my willpower not to devour you whenever we’re together.”
My heart thrashes against my chest like a wild, caged beast.
Yes.
I slip my fingers into his hair. “What if I told you I want to be devoured by you? What if I told you I felt the same?”
“Then I’d tell you that I’m all in.” His fingers dig into my hips, and his eyes tighten. “Just promise me that if you ever feel your control slipping, if you ever reach a point where you feel like you’re losing yourself again, I want you to tell me. Because I’ll be here to bring you back from the darkness.”
Another tear falls as I nod. “I can promise you that.”
“There’s a lot I don’t understand about depression, but I’m open to learning. I want to know. I want to knowyou.”
I press my forehead to his and close my eyes. “Your mother is missing out on you, James. You are a wonderful man. She’d be so proud of you if she were here.”
“I think we’ve been focusing on all the things we’ve lost for too long. I think it’s time we start enjoying what we do have.”
I smile. “I think so too.”
We remain on the couch for the rest of the night, talking, asking questions, and listening to one another’s stories. And for the first time, someone shows me what it feels like to be heard—someone without depression, someone not in my therapy group, someone not being paid to listen to me. James doesn’t make me feel judged, or weird, or ashamed. He sees me, and all my scars.
And it’s because I stood up for myself and told my truth. It’s more than mattering to someone else—it’s the fact that I showedmyselfthat I matter.
And why shouldn’t I?
My family gave up on me, but that doesn’t mean I have to give up on myself too.
I can find people who accept me as I am, like Leo.
I can find people who will change their perspective for me, like James.
I can find friends who know what it’s like to be different, like Drew.
And I can find it within myself to love my brokenness.
It’s now that I realize I’m the one person I needed to have my back all along.
I’ve got my own damn six.
17
Phoenix
Daily Affirmation: “I choose to be happy and to love myself today.”
“Fuck.”
I glance over at James. “What?”
