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“I’m sorry, I thought you were awake.”
He glanced over at the open door to the en suite, the light over the mirror casting a beam of light at an angle towards the door into the corridor. She must have dozed off reading on her phone leaving the light on in the bathroom.
“Can I use your shower? I don’t want to use the main bathroom and disturb people.”
“No worries. Are you all right?”
His shoulders rolled dismissively. “A bad dream. It was nothing.”
It hardly seemed like nothing if it woke him in a lather of sweat. “Go ahead and use the bathroom. I guess you regret giving up your room now.”
He grabbed the back of his collar and yanked his tee over his head. “Sorry. The only other option was my grandparents’ bathroom and they’d be upset if they saw me like this.”
She was finding it disturbing, but not in the same way as his grandparents would. It was only a few hours since she’d had free rein to touch his chest, his body. She could remember the sensation of velvety skin under her fingers. “It’s fine, really. I wasn’t sleeping well anyway.”
She’d been fretting over their argument. Thinking about poor Tinker. She’d known what Tinker was long before they left the Crossing and made it big. He’d tried his charm on her more than once, even though he’d known she was Xander’s friend. Knowing how jealous he was of Xander, she should have taken what he said with a grain of salt. Instead she’d used it to put distance between her and Xander. They’d been getting on too well and she’d had to ruin it.
It made her feel even more guilty, seeing Xander in this state. How disturbing had his revisitation of the past been if it resulted in this kind of distress. He was calm enough to outward appearances yet there was a pulse at his temple and tautness around his jaw telling her different.
“There’re spare towels on the rack above the toilet.”
He nodded jerkily and headed into the bathroom. Bonnie checked the clock, surprised to see it wasn’t even one am. Xander must have fallen straight into the nightmare. He hadn’t been home at midnight; she’d been waiting for him, hoping to catch him before he went to bed. Had revisiting his childhood triggered the nightmares? How much more had he not told her? Did he have invisible scars maybe even worse than the burn scar on his body? Had her bitter words poked a skewer into those memories of the past, letting the poison seep into the present?
She hated to see him suffer. She’d hurt him with her words and she didn’t know how to make it right. She could apologise till the cows came home, but what she’d said would be hard to forget. So… judgy. Maybe she was more like her nan than she realised. Even if Xander had been doing what she’d accused him of, it wasn’t her place to condemn him for it. They hadn’t even been in contact for years. Their estrangement wasn’t all his fault. She could have tried harder, instead of feeding her insecurities by trawling the internet for gossip.
Listening to what Tinker had said years ago, without questioning it, was as irresponsible as Xander made it out to be.
She took in a deep breath. She knew why she’d clung to the image of Xander that Tinker had cooked up. It made it easier to keep her distance. Emotionally, if not physically. In those hollow, empty years in Canada when she’d been missing him, thinking of him as a user who had no real feelings had armoured her against the need to go to him. Maybe even beg him to take her back as his now-and-then lover. Every paparazzi shot of him with a beautiful or famous woman fed into the false image she’d created out of a few random words and some social media gossip.
In her heart, she knew better. He’d always been painfully shy in his teens. Nervous around strangers. Even jumpy. It had taken him years to build the smiling persona the world identified as Xander Mac. He would come home exhausted from the effort after a performance with the O’Brien boys, wanting only to curl up in the darkness to recuperate. By the time they’d left for Sydney, he had it almost perfect, the effort of maintaining it hardly noticeable. Did it still take effort? She’d noticed he didn’t bother so much since he came home, unless there were people around. Not with her anyway.
Even coming to her like this was different. Leaving himself exposed. He hadn’t even closed the bathroom door. Not that it mattered. She couldn’t see the shower from in bed anyway. The sound of water brought up all kinds of images. She’d had an update on his naked body today, a little more muscle, a touch more hair in places. It made it easy to visualise what was happening. Not that it was appropriate to lust after a guy you’d condemned for being a man whore only a few hours ago.
Xander was out in minutes, wrapping a bath sheet around his waist. His shoulders glistened with droplets from freshly washed hair, a pink tinge to his body from being scrubbed under hot water showing up in the light from the bathroom.
“Thanks.”
He stood awkwardly, bare toes curling into the carpet. “I’m sorry I got mad. I didn’t do anything reckless in case you were wondering. Leo wanted to speak to me about something and I had dinner at his place.”
“It wasn’t you; it was me. I shouldn’t have accused you of being careless. Of not caring.” She stretched out a hand and let out a relieved breath when he accepted the invitation to come sit on the bed.
He took her hand, twining his fingers through hers so they were palm to palm. “You aren’t totally wrong. I don’t really care about strangers. I’m certainly not altruistic. Most people I don’t care about at all, except in a vague wish-them-no-harm way. I give my fans a product, but I’m not vain enough to think they’re my friends. My responsibility begins and ends with giving them their money’s worth. I’m a commodity.”
“The great Xander Mac.”
“Yeah. Sometimes I hate him, but he’s made a lot of things possible for me. I don’t have to bend to anyone’s will now. I know it’s a cliché about money not buying happiness. But it can buy independence and control.”
It fitted with what she’d been thinking about after their argument. “That’s important to you.”
“From the moment I realised I could make money with music, it’s been my goal. I never want to rely on anyone else for food or warmth, those basic needs. I never want to feel helpless. Wanting something and knowing there’s nothing I can do about it.”
He shivered and she drew back the covers. “Come and get warm. The last thing the great Xander Mac needs is to get a cold the week before a big concert.”
The twitch of his lips was half-hearted, but he shed the towel onto the back of the chair near the desk and slid between the sheets.
Bonnie closed her eyes against the sight of his beautiful and very naked body.Not the time.With a wriggle, she settled down onto her pillow, resting her cheek on one hand so she could watch him. He chose to lie on his back, his arms bent up to rest his head on the palms of his hands, eyes fixed on the pressed metal ceiling with the antique glass light shade dangling from the ornate rose.
She wanted to ask questions but where to start? “Why were you so skinny when you first came to live with Flo and Don?”
