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Ethan
I keep thinking I know what hell feels like, until I discover that things canalwaysget worse. The day started out good. That castle is calledCastel dell'Ovoand I found a postcard of it from a nearby gift shop before walking as far as the sea path will take me and eating a delicious sandwich of herb-stuffed pork from a food stall.
All that seems distant now. When Victor called, I started to panic and make stupid decisions. I convinced Gray to give me the keys to the car we took from the airport under the pretense that I had forgotten something inside—a ridiculous excuse that he would have seen right through if I didn’t have such a do-gooder reputation.
Now I’m edging a large, expensive car through narrow Italian streets in the dark at the speed of a narcoleptic granny, trying not to get pulled over. I’m sure the half-unconscious man splayed in the seat next to me, out of his gourd on illegal substances, would make a policeman’s night. All I can do is drive and pray Victor isn’t going to stop breathing.
“I like your face when you’re scared,” Victor mumbles hoarsely, startling me. He wriggles around in his seat and curls his arm up under his head so he can stare at me. His blown-out pupils hide all but a sliver of his pale irises. I want to punch him.
Kicking off his sandals, he spreads his bare feet on the dashboard. “I can do whatever I want and you can’t tell my father without getting fired. Too bad neither of you geniuses thought of that.”
I’m too focused on navigating to answer. The lit windows of cafes and restaurants send warm patches of light through the car, across his skin, as we drive past.
When I don’t say anything, he closes his eyes. His voice is so slurred I’m struggling to understand him. “What could I pay you to turn against Dad? If we both walk, he’ll be screwed. Then I can figure out how to get out of his contract.”
“You can’t pay me anything, because he owns all your money,” I answer dryly.
He makes a sound that I think is supposed to be a laugh. “If he didn’t?”
“I don’t fantasize about impossible things like unicorns or your father liking you or me being able to trust you.”
Silence. I round a corner and, instead of the hotel, we’re looking at a small beach and the moonlit water.
Victor comes alive, instantly, and tries to climb out of the still-moving car. I slam the breaks and hit the power locks as he grabs the door handle and shakes it. “I need to practice for Capri,” he rambles. When he fumbles the lock open, I flip it again. He throws his shoulder against the door, but his reflexes are too fucked to outmaneuver me.
Finally, he just rolls the window down and hangs his head out, letting in a humid breeze that stirs in his hair. The outline of his strong shoulder blades protruding from his tank top looks like broken wings. They used to carry him faster and further than anyone else on earth. As I watch him watch the water, I have a strange feeling that if Victor went out there now, into the night sea, he’d never come back.
Impulsively, I ask him something that’s been bothering me for a long time. “Why do you hate being gay?”
“I never said that.”
“But you do. I can tell from the way you talk about it.”
Keeping his elbows propped on the open window, he looks over his shoulder at me, eyebrow quirked. “Because I hate gay people.”
I’m so confused I don’t speak for a minute. Finally, I manage to find words. “You were, like, the poster boy of the future of gay rights. Out and proud since before puberty, so compelling that everyone put aside their prejudices to cheer for you. I idolized you.”And thirsted for you.
He brushes hair out of his eyes, flashing a smile that doesn’t reach any other part of his face. “I never asked for this body, the things it needs. I never consented to it. And of all the exquisite fucking hells I’ve known, this sexuality has been at the heart of the very worst.” Turning away, he rests his cheek against his arm like he’s too tired to hold himself up any more. “So you’ll have to learn to live with it. Unless you think you can fix me. I know you like to fix things.”
Heart pounding, I throw the car into drive and roll up his window, forcing him to slouch back in his seat. “Be careful what you wish for.”
From this angle I can barely see his lips twitch. “In case you haven’t noticed, I bite.”
Scanning the available roads, I pick one that goes uphill. “I’m pretty tough.”
“Mmmm,” he hums, distracting me as he reaches up to grab his headrest and stretch, arching his long body. “Not last time I tried.”
I just shake my head, willing my dick not to betray me.
By the time I find the hotel, he’s cogent enough to walk by himself. I text Gray that I’ll return the keys in the morning and breathe a sigh of relief when we’re both locked in our room. He hisses in pain when I turn on a lamp, so we get ready in the dark. I don’t have a choice about sharing a bed with him, but from now on I’ll do so fully clothed.
He brushes his teeth while I piss, because I don’t have the energy to shut him out of the bathroom. “Promise me you won’t see them again,” I say, tugging up my sweatpants.
“I’ll have to, for the big swim,” he mumbles past his toothbrush.
I cross my arms and lean my hip on the counter next to him. “That’s another thing. Are you completely insane? You’ll drown.”
He shrugs. “Maybe that’s the point.”
