AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Jonah
The sun on his back, shining through his golden hair. Our breaths tangled together. The warm strength of his hands resting in mine. His eyes soft behind his glasses, intent and full of curious wonder at this tiny creature balanced on his palm.
Maybe I’ve only dreamed of him like this.
Maybe I’m dreaming now.
The frog twitches its leg and Gray startles, drops it. It hops over my foot and escapes into the creek with a splash.
Gray’s whole body goes tense, his eyes on the ground as he waits for me to yell at him for dropping the frog. I’ve never hated someone in my life, but I want to find whoever made him like this and hurt them.
I don’t know what else to do, so I walk back to the log and sit in front of it, my back against the spongy, decaying wood. “I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed being around kids. Back in Iowa I watched my neighbor’s children all the time.”
“You were very good with her.” His long stride easily carries him back over the loose pebbles. I assume he’s going to leave, but he sits sideways on the log with his back against the roots and stretches his legs out behind my head. “You’ll make a wonderful father.”
I find a stick on the ground and start breaking it into a million little pieces and throwing them at the creek, trying to land all of them in the exact same spot. “I’m scared of being bi because of what people will say, but mostly because I’ve always wanted a cute little house with a family, some kids, taking them to see their grandparents every weekend. I don’t want to lose that.”
“Do I need to inform you that two men can also have a house and children?”
“No, no I get it. I’m sorry. I just…my mom used to tell me I was going to rescue a beautiful princess and marry her, which is sexist as fuck, now that I think about it. But it meant a lot to me. It was a story where I got to be strong and make someone happy, and I used to think about it all the time.” I take a deep breath. “What did you tell people when you came out as gay?”
“Er.” He sounds a little puzzled. “It depended on who I was talking to, but by and large I just told them the truth and gave them time to process.”
“But how did you know what the truth was?”
“I’m not sure I follow.”
“I thought being bi just meant you got to fuck whoever you wanted. But then I thought about coming out and how everyone would sayhold on, does this mean you’re bringing a guy home for Christmas? How are you gonna get married? What about kids? Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man if you still like women?I’ve never even asked myself those questions, so how am I supposed to know what to say to other people?”
Something brushes lightly through my hair, and I can’t tell if it’s the wind or a leaf or his fingers. I don’t turn around because I don’t want it to stop.
“I understand,” he says, his voice deep and serious. “The whole point of sexual identity is that you can make a future with whoever you love. But you have to come to terms with what that future looks like before you can fully embrace it.”
I flick one of my branch bits toward him. “You should write a book, all those eloquent words.” He just chuckles drily. “So.” I lean my head back against the log, next to his leg. “What future do you want?”
He’s not going to answer, I know he isn’t, but after a moment he says, “You won’t believe me.”
“Try me.”
“The socially acceptable answer is three children. The honest one is five, but that’s when you scare guys off.” He expects me to be surprised that the man who knows the wholeMy Little Ponytheme song by heart wants to be a dad. He really can be clueless sometimes. “I told you before that I never got adopted, so I want to give a home to as many children as I can. Wanted,” he corrects himself. When I look up at him, he’s staring fixedly at something across the creek, his jaw tight.
My brain is throwing up warning lights and signals and sirens and every possibledo not proceedalarm, but my dumb fucking mouth goes ahead and says it anyway. “Were you going to have kids with him?”
He blinks. “Who?” But his voice tells me he already knows.
As if I couldn’t be any more of a psychopath, I dig out my wallet and unfold his photograph and hold it out, waiting for him to get up, climb the hill, and drive away without me.
Instead he laughs, just a quiet breath, studying me like he hasn’t really seen me before. I glance down at his hand, just to triple check the million times I’ve already double checked. He wears a selection of plain silver rings on his right thumb and middle finger, on his left pointer finger. But nothing on his ring finger.
“Yes, I was,” he says flatly, picking up the picture and studying it, running his thumb down the fold I made.
“You were married to the defense attorney,” I say like an idiot, and he snorts. “Did you know?”
“Good work, tiny Sherlock Holmes. You’ve laid bare all my secrets. Of course I knew he was a practicing attorney on the East Coast, but I didn’t know he would be appointed to this case.”
“I’m not tiny.” I jump up and start poking through the pebbles for anything colorful or interesting, trying to keep from getting too wound up. “What happened with you guys?” I have no right to ask that, but I do it anyway because right now I need to know the answer like I need oxygen.
To my surprise, he leans back against the roots and closes his eyes. “Colson and I got married when I was twenty-four and stayed together for three years. One day I came home to find his things gone and a note saying I should probably get myself tested.”
