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All these damn feelings, clogging up my nose and my throat, making my eyes itch. I’m such a crier. “Yeah.”
The sidewalks are inch-deep in dirty sludge, so I take a cab even though I can’t really afford it. There’s only one light on in Gray’s windows, his reading lamp by the couch. The doorman just nods at me over the vintage comic book he’s examining. In the elevator, I bounce on my toes like I can make it go faster and try to remember everything I want to say.
When I test the front door, it’s unlocked. Gray stands up from the couch immediately, setting his book on the end table as I push the door shut behind me and lean against it.
“Okay, listen,” I begin unsteadily, working through the words I rehearsed all the way here. “I’ve been thinking about everything, how your ex made you feel about relationships and sex and trust.” My voice pitches up a little as he walks around the end of the couch toward me. “And I want you to know that I really, really like you as a person, not just for sex, and I’d be completely happy to just sit by you while you read and lean on your shoulder and take this as slow as you want. I might have to jerk off first, maybe twice because you’re really hot, but then I’d be ready.”
He stops in front of me, his eyes the color of the woodlands I love so much, and wraps his fingers in the collar of my jacket. I’m pressed against the door with his knees on either side of mine, my cheap jeans rubbing against his two-thousand-dollar suit. “That’s the strangest and maybe the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“I don’t want to let anyone hurt you ever again,” I breathe. “Not even me.”
“You can’t do that.”
I grin, our foreheads together, his nose touching mine. “Haven’t you learned never to tell me I can’t do—Oh God.”
His lips barely brush mine, so light I could have imagined them. It might as well be the first kiss of my life, because it’s nothing at all like kissing a girl, hot breath and the faint salt taste, every inch of me a sharp, precious fire. “Gray, baby, please don’t do this to me. I can be good but I can’t be that good.”
Stepping away, he grabs my hand and pulls me with him, walking backwards to sit on the couch and tugging me onto his lap. “You canceled the date before I called you. Why?”
“You know why.”
He runs his thumb down my jaw. “Why?”
“You’re going to make me say it?” He nods, a tiny smile pulling at his lips.
“You egotistical bastard.” His smile gets wider. “What do you want me to say? That I’m completely stuck on you? That I can’t do anything without thinking about you and when I can’t stand it anymore I fall asleep and you’re there, too? Is that what you want to hear? I came back to try and be nice and you’re making it hard on purpose because you like to see me suffer—”
Then he’s devouring my mouth, his fist curled hard against the back of my head, years and years of loneliness pouring up and out of his body into mine. I take them all, drink them down until they’re mine and they can’t touch him again.
He’s a fucking incredible kisser, his tongue working deeper and deeper in an intoxicating rhythm. I can’t breathe, but he feeds me his air until I’m so lightheaded the room spins.
When he finally lets me go, he cups his hand around the hard-on in my jeans, feeling for the piercings. “Don’t call me baby.”
“Would you prefer daddy?”
I whine as he squeezes my balls. “Shut your dirty mouth.”
“You’ll have to stuff it with something.”
He flips me over so I’m sitting on the couch, head back, his knees straddling my hips. “Absolutely not, you little cocksucker. You’d love that. That’s not a punishment.”
He props his elbows on either side of me and pins me down with his lips. The first one’s tender as hell, the kind of kiss that would wake up a sleeping princess. Then he wraps his hands around my head and fucks relentlessly into my mouth until I’m moaning around his tongue.
I feel the delayed anxiety hit his body a second before he reacts. His muscles loosen and he lowers his full weight onto me, burying his face in my shoulder. I wrap him up as best I can in my arms and nibble lightly along his ear. “Look at you. You kissed me and it was so good. I’m so happy. We don’t have to do anything else if you don’t want to. Just sit here with me for a little while and think about it. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I like your hugs,” he mumbles against my sweaty skin. “They’re lopsided. I always know it’s you.”
All tangled together, we slide down until we’re stretched out on the sofa and I’m crushed between the back of the couch and his bulk. We lie still and silent for a long time, breathing into each other as his hand caresses through my hair. He’s so fucking tactile, the starved way his skin searches for mine every second we’re together.
Eventually, his finger coaxes my chin up and he finds my lips again. We make out slowly and gently for what feels like an hour, taking turns licking soft into every corner of each other’s mouths. “What do you want now?” I whisper into his mussed, blond tangle.
“I want you to be naked.”
“Oh, really? Is that going to help you feel better?” My voice tightens with the struggle not to laugh. He nods very seriously. “Alright then, but you’ve got to help me.”
I don’t know by what black magic we manage to get all my clothes off without sitting up or getting off of each other, but before I know it I’m stripped and lying there with Gray reclining next to me, his head up on his arm, tracing his fingers along the lines of my torso. His glasses got removed somewhere along the way, and he has to squint a little to see me properly.
“I’m not taking back my offer,” I tell him, “no matter what you do. You can stop any time and I won’t be mad. I don’t care if we fuck tonight.”
