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“Do you think you’d ever move back to Texas?”
Her expression turns thoughtful, and she nibbles her bottom lip before finally saying, “You know, I don’t think so. At one point I thought I would, just to be close to my mom and Elise again. But LA has become home. I may not always love the culture here because it’s very different than Texas and often times feels shallow, but I love all the experiences you can have here. I love the sandy beaches, the sunny days that aren’t filled with massive humidity that makes my hair frizz up, hearing the soft crash of the waves as they hit the shore while I’m lying in bed. I’ll take all of that if I have to deal with the occasional entitled prima donna. What about you?”
“Move back to Texas?” She nods. “Nah, probably not. The band is here, and I could never move away from them. They’re my family. The only people I have left back in Texas are my aunt and uncle, and we try to visit them as much as we can and I call them once a week. But Texas hasn’t felt like home for a long time.”
We both walk in silence, but it doesn’t feel heavy; it feels peaceful. I feel comfortable to just be. And I’m not really sure what to do with that, because even though I keep telling myself I just want her as my friend, my reactions and my feelings are saying something completely different.
9
The clattering of silverware and the deep hum of conversations greet me as I enter Plum, my biweekly brunch spot. Every other Sunday, my sister Lainey and our friends Gwen and Beth meet here to eat brunch together and catch up on what’s been happening in our lives. Lainey lives in Laguna Beach but never misses a brunch. Gwen and I met when I first moved to LA and we were roommates. I got incredibly lucky. I’ve heard so many horror stories from other friends about their roommate disasters. Many joked that living in LA was like playing roommate roulette, where you never knew which one would be the best or the worst. Even though we don’t live together anymore—Gwen lives with her boyfriend, Patrick, now—we’re still close and hang out often. We even attempted to take a spin class together—where we subsequently thought we were going to die—which is where we met Beth.
Yeah, spin classes aren’t for us.
Gwen, Beth, and I bonded after that first and only class and now try to hang out as often as possible.
I spot Lainey sitting at a booth near the front window and make my way toward her. She sees me and stands up to give me a hug, squeezing me a little tighter than normal, and I pull back to get a better look at her. She’s not wearing as much makeup as she typically does, and her eyes have a slightly hollow look to them with blue circles underneath that her minimal makeup can’t hide.
“Hey, sis, everything okay?”
Her eyes water slightly, and she gives me a shaky smile. “Not really.”
I gesture to the booth. “Let’s sit and you can tell me what’s going on.”
We take a seat in the booth, and Lainey wipes under her eyes. Her gaze avoids mine, and my stomach sinks. Did something happen with our mom or Elise? No. There’s no way. Will would be the first one to know, and he would’ve told me.
“Paul and I broke up.”
My eyes go wide and I sit back in my chair, completely surprised. “Why? What happened? I thought things were going so well with you two.”
“They were, or at least I thought they were. I just…” She looks out the window, her eyes not focusing on the beautiful view that drew us to this restaurant to begin with. She turns to me, her gaze both fierce and vulnerable. “Do you ever feel like you’re broken? Like there’s something wrong with you?”
My heart speeds up because I’ve had those exact feelings more times than I can count. “Sometimes.”
She nods and her eyes start to water, but she purses her lips together and holds them at bay. My sister rarely cries, so I know this is hitting her harder than she’s letting on.
“Paul said I kept him at arm’s length. He wanted someone who would be completely vulnerable with him. He said I wasn’t meeting his needs.” She grabs her paper napkin and twists it in her hands, back to avoiding my gaze. “He said I had abandonment issues from Dad leaving us.” She scoffs and rolls her eyes, “So clearly he then goes and abandons me.”
My lips turn down in a frown as defensiveness fills my voice. “He psychoanalyzed you? What a fucking prick. Just because he’s a psychologist doesn’t give him a right to treat his girlfriend like a patient.”
She nods her head and then finally meets my gaze. “I think he’s seeing someone else already. Or maybe he was even before he broke up with me. I can’t be sure, but I saw him at the Farmers’ Market, and he was holding some other woman’s hand.”
“Fuck him then. You deserve someone whose ego isn’t the size of planet earth.”
She goes back to fiddling with her napkin and not looking at me. “Do you think he’s right? Do you think I have abandonment issues from Dad?”
I watch my sister carefully, noticing the way her shoulders sag with defeat, which is so unlike the take-charge woman I know her to be.
Picking my words carefully, I say, “I think Dad leaving affected us all in a lot of different ways. Elise doesn’t even remember him, but she’s still super cautious with men. I think it helps that Mom and Doug have been together for so long now.” I think about my own dating disasters and try to look at my reactions from a new perspective. “Maybe Dad’s abandonment did kind of mess us up. None of us have had successful relationships, but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn from our past mistakes and do things differently in the future.”
I think about how I tried to do things different with Brad, how different I thought he was, but the more time I spend thinking about him and our relationship, the more I can see the cracks. He was attractive, but looks aren’t everything. They eventually fade. But personality and compatibility are what makes a difference. I want someone who makes me laugh, pushes me to try new things, and is always down to do something fun. I want someone who will explore with me, challenge me, and grow with me.
Brad was never that guy.
But I refuse to give up, especially now after this conversation with Lainey. She might be the oldest, but she’s also always been someone who watches and sees how things are done before she attempts to try them. Maybe I can show her that real love is possible. That we can meet guys who won’t leave us behind like we mean nothing. That we aren’t destined to always be abandoned.
Gwen and Beth arrive together before Lainey and I have a chance to continue our conversation. As they walk to our table, laughing at something, Lainey gives me a look that begs me not to say anything about Paul. She hates being the center of attention or having people fuss over her, and she needs time to process things.
I get it. I give her a brief nod, and her lips tilt up in a small, grateful smile.
