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“You can’t go back, no matter how badly you want to.” There’s a wistfulness and regret in his voice, and I look over at him, noticing how sad his face is as his mind clearly wanders back in time. He’s never told me the full story about what happened with Jolie and how she ended up with Robbie instead of him.
“Will you tell me what happened with you and Jolie?”
He looks at me then and shakes his head. “It won’t make any difference, so there’s no point talking about it.”
I look at my brother and can’t help but wonder if that’s what I’ll be like if I never get Becka back. Will I always wonder what could’ve been? Will my life be filled with meaningless hookups because I can’t have the one woman I want?
But there’s a big difference between my brother and me. He lost his chance with Jolie because she married someone else. As far as I know, Becka is still single.
Which means I still have a chance to make this right.
20
The smell of maple and bacon wafts through the air, and my stomach gurgles in complaint that I still haven’t eaten.
“Fuck, that French toast looks divine,” Gwen says from beside me as our waitress places a plate in front of me. The eggy bread is drenched in butter, syrup, and powdered sugar, and I can’t wait to eat every last bite.
The waitress drops off the rest of the plates, and we all dive in. Clearly we were all hungry because silence reigns supreme as we eat, and it isn’t until most of us are halfway finished that Beth finally puts her fork down, clasps her hands on the table, and stares at each of us in turn.
“Are we finally going to address the elephant at the table, or are we still pretending it’s not there?”
My brows furrow in confusion, and I wait for her to elaborate. She looks pointedly at Gwen and then Lainey before staring me down. “We know something’s going on with you. Lainey won’t tell us what it is, but it’s obvious to anyone who knows you that you aren’t okay.”
My cheeks flood pink with embarrassment. Have I been that obvious? I know I should’ve told them sooner about Trent. I mean, hell, these women are my best friends. But the truth was I needed time to sort out my feelings. Although I don’t know if I’ve done much sorting. It’s still more avoiding than anything else. But clearly I can’t keep it from them any longer.
I glance at Lainey and give her a silent thank you with my eyes. She knows some of what’s going on. Not a ton of details, but enough to know it’s about a guy, and Trent in particular.
“I was seeing someone, well sorta not really. It’s complicated.”
“Do we need to beat him up? If you need our help burying a body, I just need to stop by a hardware store and buy a shovel and some rose bushes,” Gwen says.
“Why rose bushes?” Beth asks.
“So the police won’t be on to us. I can’t just buy a shovel—that’s obviously sketchy—but if I buy a shovel so I can plant the rose bushes, then I’m all good.”
“That is strangely logical,” Beth responds while I fight against the urge to laugh at Gwen.
“No burying of bodies will be necessary. It wasn’t like that. We were friends, we crossed a line, and now we’re nothing.” My voice catches on the last word, belying my statement.
Although it’s the truth. We aren’t anything anymore. I know it’s my fault. We could’ve stayed friends if I could get over my hurt, but I just can’t. Maybe in time. Maybe years from now after I’ve met someone else, the memory of Trent won’t weigh quite so heavily on my heart.
But now is not that time. Especially since even the idea of a future with someone else makes my heart hurt so painfully in my chest, I’m convinced this must be early signs of a heart attack.
“We’re worried about you,” Gwen says gently from beside me. She places her hand on my arm and gives me a soft, caring smile. “You’re working crazy hours, and while you look great physically, you have dark bags under your eyes, and you rarely smile anymore.”
“I smile,” I say and glance over to Lainey so she can back me up, but I’m only met with her sympathetic gaze.
“You haven’t smiled at these brunches in months,” Lainey says, her voice soft like she’s trying to soothe a sick puppy.
That can’t be right. I smile all the time. Don’t I?
Beth and Gwen sit in their chairs both looking a little nervous and a lot worried. God, I’ve been such a shit friend lately. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”
“It’s okay. We’re just worried about you. Will you tell us what’s going on?”
Reluctantly, I do. It’s easier telling them the story than it was telling my mom, probably since more time has passed and it doesn’t feel quite as fresh, even if the pain still lingers. By the time I’m done, both Gwen and Beth have tears in their eyes on my behalf, and Lainey watches me with a thoughtful expression on her face.
“I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this all by yourself, Becka,” Beth says.
