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“You okay?”Tamsin asks.
“I don’t know.I’m glad he’s alive, but it’s not over.Is he going to put us through this again?Was tonight his wake-up call or just another in a long string of shitty things he’s put us through while he’s been on drugs?”
“I don’t know.”
I didn’t expect her to have the answer, but I wish I did.I wish I knew what the future held.Is Kasen going to break our hearts?Fuck, hasn’t he already?I don’t know how much more of this we can take.
We’re at a turning point for our band family, and Kasen has just forced us into a corner.We have to make a decision about moving forward, and soon.
“Will you come home with me?”
“You didn’t even have to ask,” she says, leaning against my arm and making me feel whole for the first time in three days.
Since she took an Uber to the hospital, I drive her to my house.I let her borrow one of my shirts to sleep in since we still haven’t talked about our fight, and I doubt either of us are in the mood for sex tonight anyway.Then we curl up in my bed, my front to her back and her body pressed as tight to me as she can get.
She fits perfectly here, and I’m determined not to lose her.
“Tam?”
“Yeah?”
“I know I already said it tonight, but I really am sorry.”
“I kno—” I cut her off.
“No, I need to get this all out.Please let me.”When she remains silent, I take that as my cue to continue.“I fucked up.I realize now how I never should’ve gone looking for him without talking to you first.I thought…I don’t know.It seems stupid now, but I thought if you knew what happened to him or where he was maybe it would help give you closure or some shit like that.And then when Greg told me he was in prison, I thought you’d be thrilled because he got what was coming to him.Although if it were up to me, he’d be dead in the ground, but since I’m mostly a pacifist, prison will have to do.But either way, I realized after everything blew up that while I thought I was thinking of whatyouwanted, I was actually thinking about what I wanted.I wanted to know where he was so we would never run into him and you’d never have to see his face again.I wanted to be able to protect you from him in the future.”
After a moment of silence, she says, “Can I speak now?”
“Yeah.”
“You really hurt me, Miles.”She might as well have stabbed me through the heart with a knife.“I never looked for him because the idea made me physically ill.The thought of putting a name to his face made me nauseous because I knew once I heard his name, I’d see his face anytime I met anyone with that name.It would be tainted forever.I didn’t want to know anything about him because what little details I had already occupied my nightmares.If I knew more, they would get worse.”
She’s quiet for a minute, but there’s a stillness in her body that tells me she’s gearing up to say more.
She whispers, “I also didn’t want to know if there were others.”
“Why not?”I keep my voice soft and low to match hers.
“Because I never reported it, and some nights the thought that he could do to other girls what he did to me because I never told the police would eat me alive.”
“Tam.”I hold her closer, trying to offer as much comfort as I can with my body.
“I was going to wait until tomorrow, but with everything that’s happened tonight I don’t want to wait.”She rolls over so we’re facing each other.“I forgive you for not talking to me about this before you did it.”
I don’t think I’ve ever felt such relief as I do when she says those words.
“That said, I need you to communicate with me in the future before you do something like that, or anything else that impacts me directly.Please.”
“Promise,” I say, taking her lips in a quick kiss because how can I not?“I love you, Tamsin.The past three days have been awful.”
She brushes my hair back.“For me too.Can we not do this again for a really long time?”
I pull away from her.“Again?Baby Girl, try never.”
She smiles at me like I said something funny, but I’m not joking.
