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35
Nothing seems real.It’s like I’m living in a nightmare and can’t wake up.The past forty-eight hours have been the worst of my life.I keep waiting for Robbie to walk through the door, his signature smile pasted to his face and some brilliant new idea for the band to share.
He can’t be gone.
But he is.
He died of a heart attack.A goddamn heart attack.At twenty-five.The coroner said it’s extremely rare—0.3% rare—that someone under forty would die of a heart attack, but it turns out he had a family history of heart disease and a genetic condition that makes blood clot more quickly, something none of us knew about.
Not even Jolie.
The only thing getting me through this horrific heartbreak is Tamsin.She hasn’t left my side since I got the call, and her unwavering support is no doubt the only reason I’m still standing right now.
Even now, as we stand on Trent’s deck while the rest of the group is inside making arrangements, she’s by my side, her hand rubbing soothing circles on my lower back.
“I can’t believe he’s really gone,” I finally say out loud as I stare out at the distant view of Los Angeles.
“Me either,” she says, her voice quiet and sad.
A tear slides down my cheek and I brush it aside.I’ve been fighting them off all damn day.We thought it would be easier to make arrangements together, but all it’s done is put all our grief in one room.
Trent walks out, his eyes devoid of their usual warmth and happiness, his body carrying the invisible weight of grief.
“It’s done,” he says.
I nod, too choked up to speak.The funeral feels final, like the moment we put him in the ground it’ll sink in that this is really happening.
“Jolie?”Tamsin asks.
“Tris took her home.”Trent rubs his eyes and joins us in staring at the city below us in silence.We stay that way until Becka comes out and convinces him to order some food for us.
He comes back out twenty minutes later—his eyes red and bloodshot and still wet around the edges—to tell us he ordered pizzas.
“Has anyone told Kasen yet?”Tamsin asks.
My heart squeezes painfully.Kasen refused visitors when we tried to go in the next day and instead had letters delivered to each of us apologizing for what he put us through.
“He went straight to rehab from the hospital and will be there without any outside contact for the next eight weeks, according to his doctor,” Trent says.
“Do we know which facility?Maybe they’ll get him a letter or something,” I suggest.
“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”Trent asks.
Frowning, I ask, “Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Kase is vulnerable right now and no doubt going through his own hell.He’s already lost Charli.What do you think it’ll do to him to find out Robbie’s gone, and worse, that his OD likely added to the stress that might’ve triggered Robbie’s heart attack?”
“Are you worried he’ll become suicidal?”Tamsin asks.
“I’m worried he already is.He knowingly took a dangerous dose of heroin after Charli’s death.It kinda seems like he was trying to join her.”
I shake my head, wishing I could stop from hearing his words.“I can’t think about this right now, man.I just…I fucking can’t.”I don’t want to think about Kasen trying to kill himself and I sure as shit don’t want to think about if he’d been successful.Not now.Not when it already hurts to breathe just thinking about Robbie.
I grab Tamsin’s hand, the warmth instantly soothing the chaos swirling inside me.“We gotta go,” I say to Trent.
He nods, understanding why I can’t stay.That it’s too hard to be around everyone after we just planned Robbie’s funeral.Everything is just too raw right now.
I pat him on the back and then guide Tamsin out to my car.
