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But that image is just a fantasy. And fantasies aren’t real.
“Just say the word Cat. If you don’t want me at the wedding, I won’t go.”
“Whaa…” I can’t form a coherent thought. The use of the nickname only my sister ever uses spins my world out of control. He can’t say that, yet it rolls off his tongue like the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard. It’s not real I scream to myself. None of what I’m feeling is real. I’m caught up in a game of dress up and Mom and Dad will be coming home any minute. Time to get back to reality.
Hunter stands in front of me not providing me an escape. His warm eyes pleading with me for an answer. “What do you want?” The words come out strained, the veins on his neck protruding. “I just want to see you happy. I’d do anything I can to make that happen.”
His words should comfort me, but they only add to my confusion. “You don’t know me. Why do you care if I’m happy?” I finally push out words. Enough to give him pause. Enough to provide space for me to breathe, to think, to rip off the make-believe blinders and begin to see the truth my heart has been hiding from me.
“Because I do.” It's a simple reply but it's not his words that carry the impact that nearly bowls me over, it’s the sincerity and conviction of his voice. “You deserve it all.”
I don’t give him time to explain what he means by the word all. A part of me afraid of what it may include but a larger part not wanting to hear what may be excluded. “You’re a nice guy Hunter,” I start and his shoulders relax. He thinks he’s about to get the answer he is seeking. He is, but if he truly knew me, he wouldn’t be surprised by my answer. “But you are just a guy that walked into a room at the right time. That doesn’t make you the right guy. I’m just using you. Can’t you see that?”
I know my words are harsh, they’re meant to be. I need him to see my truth. The reality of our situation. But all my words do is signify that as much as I think Hunter doesn’t know me, I’m just as clueless.
He steps close to me, his hand on my forearm, and alarm bells ring in my ear. My history prepares me to expect anger, name calling, maybe a crude joke, but Hunter doesn’t do any of this. He leans forward, cupping my cheek with a gentleness my words do not deserve. “What I see is a strong, intelligent woman who loves her family and who has an ex that makes life uncomfortable not only for her but for the family she loves.” I inhale his sweaty scent, a mix of mountain dirt and coconut sunscreen. He rubs his thumb across my cheek while his index finger on his other hand traces up my arm, sending chills racing through my body. “You are right, I don’t know you, but what I’ve seen so far is more beautiful than these majestic mountains. Stronger than this desert sun.” I tilt my chin up to capture his longing gaze locked on me as if I’m the center of his world.
Why couldn’t he walk away? Don’t make me a believer Hunter - my heart can’t take this roller coaster ride.
He continues, “You say I’m a nice guy, but you don’t really know if this is the real me or am I using it to get what I want.” His words cause me to pause. I hadn’t really considered what he wanted other than to please me. My intentions from the second we hatched this hare-brained scheme have been clear. Yet Hunter continued to double down, immersing himself in deeper and deeper. I’ve never questioned his motivations other than wanting to help me. Could there be more?
“What is it that you want?” I can’t believe I’ve never asked this.
“If I told you the truth, you wouldn’t believe it and that’s okay. I’ve not earned that level of trust.” I try to hide my disappointment, nothing between us is ever clear. It’s always hidden in hollow words and unspoken gestures. “Let’s start with baby steps. I do have a dearth of friends here and I’d like to continue to get to know you better.” He floats the request as if we’ve not already had this conversation.
As much as my heart is screaming, I shake my head. “That’s a non-starter Hunter. I’m getting on a plane in a few days, and we need to sever this relationship before I leave. You’ve seen why. Adrienne is falling for you nearly as fast as I have already.” I can’t believe my truth slips out so easily. Of course, it would take a misstep for our truth to show up. I pause and let it sit exposed. I don’t jump in to cover it; I don’t deflect or try to explain.
“We can’t.” I’m not sure who I’m referring to as this man has upset my tiny universe. “I need to get back to Indiana where I have everything under control.”
“Yet life’s best moments are those which we don’t control.” Before I can process his meaning, he leans down and presses his lips to mine. This kiss catches me by surprise. It is homemade chicken soup simmering on a brisk fall day; it is the taste of a Michelin star meal that you know you will compare against every dinner you ever eat. It fades away in a blink of an eye. When he leans away from me, a sadness sweeps over me. Are we done?
An out-of-control longing tells me I’m wrong again. I’ve always believed I would be the one to turn upside down the world of the always in control, master of the universe, got my stuff together right guy. I would be the one to wreak havoc in his world - the uncontainable piece that he couldn’t live without. But I’m wrong.
I’m the one whose world is spinning out of control. I’m the one who can’t discern up from down, right from left. I’m not the one upsetting his world, he’s the one rattling mine.
This can’t be happening.
My entire world view shatters in an instant. This is all new to me. The out of control, can’t breathe when I’m near you, don’t leave my sight love-struck guy – isn’t a guy at all – it’s me.
How is it possible that Hunter can ask me what I want one second and then deliver exactly what I seek the next without asking?
I lean forward and take the lead. My resistance is history. A large red warning stripe of finish line tape of this fake relationship may be approaching but if I close my eyes and pretend the crowd is cheering for us, I can fool myself and enjoy a moment I haven’t earned. I tip up causing him to pause in his retreat. I quirk my neck and press my lips to his. A low growl rumbles in his chest, an audible internal debate brewing. The debate doesn’t last long as he presses his tongue against the seam of my lips, and I let him in. I give him what he wants, what I didn’t realize I needed. We both have struggled to put into words what we really want but our bodies have known all along.
I close my eyes as water wells up behind my lids. My weakness for him will be the death of us. I want this, I need him. His strong fingers work through my ponytail, and our kiss intensifies with desperation. My knees go weak, but he catches me. Someone finally catches me. I’m not alone. I feel the moisture of tears streaming across my cheeks. His fingers push tendrils of my hair from my face, soft kisses soaking away the tears. He strokes the edge of my jaw, sending my world into a tailspin I’ve never felt before.
When he pulls his warm lips from mine, we both exhale. His hand cupping my face, noses touching, he clears his throat in search of his voice. I prepare for him to tell me the truth. That he wants me, too. That he can’t live without me. That he’s feeling a tiny bit of what is racing through me. That somehow, we’ll figure out a way to make this real. All of it.
“You are and always will be the best part of my day Catherine.” He presses a quick peck to my lip and pulls away too quick for my heart. It begins to drum a warning beat. “And for the record, I feel it too. Fear of falling is a real thing. We both have other plans and we’ve only gotten as far as we have in life by sticking to them. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Goodbye Catherine.”
I open my eyes, not trusting my ears. How could he kiss me like this and then walk away? None of this makes sense. Yes, I pushed him away with my harsh words. Words I thought I needed to say to protect myself, my family. Words I thought would have him run in the opposite direction.
But then he kissed me. Kissed me like he owned me.
Showed me what I truly needed. Made me feel something I thought I would never find. Destroyed the lies I had fed myself. This can’t be the end?
I take a step in his direction and spot Adrienne returning.
“Look at the love bugs, can’t keep their hands off one another for two minutes.” Thankfully Hunter turns to face her, and I hide behind his broad back. I wipe the tears from my face as I overhear him.
