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I don’t mention the unexplained rage I felt earlier when I caught the wink he sent Boomer after I walked away from him.
I don’t mention any of it because I don’t understand it… like at all.
Yes, I’ve been known to be annoyed at his smiling face each time I witnessed it back at school. I blamed this rift between the two of us rather than accepting that I was mad he wasn’t smiling at me. I didn’t miss those smiles for any other reason than they used to be aimed at me in friendship.
I swallow hard, not exactly accustomed with lying to myself, and then I grow even more annoyed that it’s just one more lie.
It’s jealousy I feel, and not in the sense that our lack of friendship is a hole in my chest, but that I wanted that wink aimed at me.
Do I have intimate feelings toward my friend?
Was that the cause of the erection the night he kissed me?
I shake my head, none of it mattering in this moment.
“I don’t care if you have a girlfriend back at school. It’s not like I’m going to run my mouth or tag you in some sneaky post online.”
“I know you wouldn’t. I’d never do that to someone.”
I don’t know why I took the dig at her. Maybe I just want someone else to feel as miserable as I do right now.
“You called me,” Keira snaps.
“I did,” I agree. “I thought we could hang out and talk.”
She scoffs, all but calling me a liar.
“We don’t hang out and talk. We fuck and say goodbye.”
“It could be different this time.”
“I don’t want different, Landon. I want to come and then go home with a smile on my face and watch reruns of Friends.”
“I’m sorry.”
The two words encompass so much.
Sorry for leading you on.
Sorry for using you all these years.
Sorry for ever starting whatever this is between us.
“Have a nice life,” she mutters as she opens the door and climbs out of the vehicle.
I watch her go inside her house, unwilling to apologize.
And that’s just one more tick in the asshole column for me. It seems to be filling up these days.
I pull away, unsure of where I’ll end up. I know I won’t go home. The gatherings at the clubhouse always last until late in the night, and I’m not in the mood to socialize with anyone.
I avoid the community park because that wouldn’t help me shake the thoughts of Rick.
As I drive around town aimlessly, I realize there aren’t many places in town that don’t hold some memory of me with my former best friend.
The high school parking lot, the ball field, even the numerous gas stations have a part of him clinging to them.
Jake’s isn’t an option. I somehow avoided a conversation with Dad after arriving back home, and I’d like to keep it that way.
I consider filling out an application at a store with a NOW HIRING sign in the window, considering that a summer job would help keep my mind busy, but it’s already dark and people who apply at this time of the evening aren’t taken seriously.
As if drawn because of him, I notice Rick’s car parked outside of Annie’s Diner. We always used to hangout here after practice. The food is tolerable, but it was the laughter that echoed off the walls from all our friends that kept bringing us back.
I park, but I don’t immediately climb out of the SUV. What would I even say to him?
Sorry I freaked out after that kiss years ago? Forgive me?
I could blame him for pulling away from me, but that would make me sound like a scorned lover.
I don’t know what I will say, and I know Annie’s definitely isn’t the place for that conversation to happen, but I climb out anyway.
This discussion is a long time coming, and I’m tired of not feeling like myself because the man inside has a way of leaking into every other part of my life.
If we’re going to hate each other and let everyone around us in on the secret, then fine, but this limbo we’ve been in for years needs to come to an end.
Chapter 6
Rick
“So, working on a business degree?”
“Yeah.”
Seth frowns at me, and it’s not the first time since we ran into each other at the gas station and decided to grab dinner.
“Yeah?” He chuckles. “I remember you being more vocal.”
“You asked a question, and I answered,” I explain rather than confronting him about trying to hint at our experiences when we dated in high school.
“Snippy. Good thing I like a surly man.”
He winks at me, and it makes me wonder if I looked just as douchey when I did the same to Boomer earlier.
I take a deep, drawn-in breath. I’m not being fair to Seth. He’s done nothing wrong, but I’m finding it more difficult than normal, letting go of the annoyance I felt back at the clubhouse earlier.
