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“Lenny is sexy as hell,” I remind him. “Have you seen him in the football jersey? Smoking hot.”
He chuckles as he pulls out his phone. “There’s all this debate online about who it is, but this video proves it’s a guy.”
He holds his phone out to me, and I watch the video. “Holy crap. You’re right.”
The video is slowed down as Lenny does a back flip, the clear outline of his dick making his gender very clear.
“Do you want to tell me why you’ve been so distant lately?” he asks when I hand back the phone.
“I haven’t,” I argue.
I’ve done my best to keep my same routine, but I know I’ve rushed back to my dorm room quicker since Landon has shown interest in making out.
“I know it’s because of what Rex said walking to the party before school started.”
I pull my eyes from him, locking them on a squirrel who is trying valiantly to sneak up on a guy who has set a sandwich aside to pick up a bag of chips. I’m rooting for the little fella.
“It’s not my place,” I mutter. “What happens or happened between you and Rex—”
“He wasn’t lying. I punched him right after he sucked me off that first time. Bloodied his nose, and I’ve felt like shit about it every single day since.”
I give the man sitting beside me my full attention. “That’s super douchey.”
He nods, quickly agreeing. “I could make excuses, tell you that I was in a really bad place in my head. I hated that I was attracted to men. Admitting that, even to myself, was too hard. It would’ve changed everything, and I needed someone to blame. The shittiest part of it is I instigated that interaction with Rex. College made me feel bold, and the distance I was finally able to put between my homophobic family and me made me feel like I was ready to begin accepting that part of me. But then it happened, and I panicked. He forgave me after a while, but I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to forgive myself. It was so fucked up.”
“I’m not going to pat your back and tell you that it’s okay.”
He huffs a humorless laugh. “I haven’t hit anyone since that night, but I’d probably pop you in the nose if you did. Have I ever told you that I love just how loyal you are to Rex?”
He gives me a weak smile, but I can still see hints of guilt in his eyes even all these years later.
“I don’t deserve him, but I’ll spend every day of the rest of my life trying to convince him that I’m worthy.”
I nod, knowing this to be true. Joey is an incredible man, and I’ve always thought so. It wasn’t until the punch was mentioned that I began to question that about him. I know what it looks like to be someone you’re not, and I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if I read the man wrong and he was just putting on a show for others around him.
“But now you’re out and proud.”
His grin grows, not matching his next sentence. “It cost me my entire family, but the one I got to replace them with, the one I chose myself, is a lot better anyway.”
He nudges my shoulder with his.
“So, how are things with your roommate?”
“Fine,” I tell him, praying he doesn’t ask any questions.
I’d never disclose what’s going on between Landon and me to anyone for two reasons. One, it’s not my secret to share and two, I’d never hear the end of it from Joey and Rex. Joey would probably tell me to give him time to come around because that’s what it took for him, and Rex would be pissed at me for giving Landon the time of day, and that’s my fault. Rex hates Landon because I’ve spent the last three years silently in love with him while letting my closest friend think I despised the man.
“I can’t believe you punched him,” I say, feeling like an asshole for once again bringing up something that caused him so much trouble, but I need the spotlight off me.
Also, I’m feeling grateful that Landon didn’t punch my lights out that first night I went down on him.
How fucked up is it that I’m thankful I didn’t get punched for giving a consensual blowjob? What does that say about society’s expectation of men when confronted with their own non-hetero desires?
Am I a fool to think that Landon would never do that to me?
I can’t see the man getting violent when we finally reach the limits of what he’s willing to do, and I don’t see him pulling his arm back and punching me in the face.
I get the feeling what’s going to happen will be much more painful, like wiping me from his life entirely.
