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When a heavy-set bald guy in white scrubs finally comes to get me, I all but run toward him. “Is my grams okay?”
“Yeah, I think the nurse overreacted a bit. She is new and still getting used to patients with dementia. Your grandma is doing much better now that we gave her something to calm her down.” Gave her something? I don’t really like the way that sounds, but I don’t say anything.
Instead, I follow him, a bad feeling lingering in my gut as he leads me through the hospital wing. With every step I take, the bad feeling inside of me spreads, and when we finally get to Grams’ room, the dread I experienced reaches a boiling point.
She is in bed, lying flat on her back, looking up at the ceiling. Her eyes are open but unfocused, showing me that she’s here but not really here. What the hell did they give her? I’m seconds away from opening my mouth when the blood in my veins freezes. My eyes are glued on the straps that are fastened around her wrists. They fucking tied her to the bed?
“Why is she tied up?” I all but yell at the man that brought me to the room.
“She’s very combative, and for our safety and her own, we were advised to strap her down until we could get her to a calm state.”
“Calm state? This isn’t calm. This is… she’s a vegetable.”
“I’m sorry, miss, but these are the rules.”
“Rules?” I scoff, boiling with rage. I know this is not this guy’s fault, but at the moment, he is the one here, and I can’t hold in my fury any longer. “How can you do this to an old lady? She would never harm anyone on purpose, she was probably just scared, and you treat her like a prisoner!”
“Ma’am, I need you to calm down—”
“Or what?” I interrupt him. “You’ll drug me and tie me to the bed?”
The guy takes a deep breath and I’m surprised by how calm he is. “Look, I know this is not ideal, but we don’t have enough staff to have a nurse with your grandma at all hours of the day. This is the option we have to keep her and others safe.”
I want to punch the wall, slam the door, and kick the chair. I’m so angry, angry with the situation I’m in, angry with Grams being here, angry with people who don’t care about me. But most of all, I’m angry with how helpless I am about all of it.
“Please leave. I want to be alone with her right now.” I shoo him away before I can do anything stupid. As badly as I don’t want Grams to be here right now, she needs to be.
The nurse frowns before turning and walking out of the room. He closes the door behind him, and I swear I almost burst into tears as soon as the silence of the room engulfs me.
“Grams,” I whimper as I cross the room, my hand circling her own. She feels cold to the touch, and I don’t like it. I miss having her at home, seeing her smile, listening to her stories. “I miss you so much. It’s not the same with you here and me out there.”
She doesn’t say anything, of course, not like I expected her to, but to hear her voice would be nice. It might calm some of the fear and sadness coursing through me. I unfasten the leather restraints and rub the red skin. Taking the lone seat beside her bed, I grab onto her weathered hand.
“I’ve missed you. I’ve even missed your attempts to cook,” I half-joke since her last cooking attempt is what landed us here. A long moment of silence settles over us and I bask in it, allowing myself to let go of some of my thoughts, to breathe, to feel. I hate that she’s here in this stupid hospital with these stupid nurses.
“I’m sorry I let you down. If I hadn’t been job hunting, none of this would’ve happened. We’d still have a home. You wouldn’t be here in this terrible place, and you wouldn’t be sedated.” Tears prick at my eyes, and I feel the onslaught of emotions threatening to overcome me.
I swipe at my eyes with the back of my hand to stop the tears from staining my cheeks. I don’t want her to see me crying when she comes to again. As if she knows how much I need her right now, she stirs against the mattress. Her head moves to the side, and her eyes connect with mine. I’m not sure if she sees me or if she’s just looking right through me.
We stay like this for a long time, me just holding her hand, her just looking at me with empty eyes. I wish I could help her, bring her back, and repair her mind.
