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So, you tell me, who is going to believe anything I say? No one, that’s who.
I take a little longer getting home, driving around aimlessly just in case someone might be following me. I’m terrified out of my mind, but there isn’t anything I can do. After a short while, I feel secure enough to go home, and a few minutes later, I drive up to my grandma’s simple one-bedroom house, which is essentially my house too since I’ve lived here for the last sixteen years of my life. Putting my old piece of shit car in park, I take one more deep breath before opening the door and getting out. I cannot have a mental breakdown in front of my grandma.
I can’t. As soon as I open the front door, my nose wrinkles; the smell is pungent and hangs in the air like a heavy fog. Something is burning, and even though I’ve just stepped inside the door, I can see the smoke wafting from the kitchen. Not again.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve already spent my amount of panics for the day or because this isn’t the first time this has happened, but for some reason, I don’t freak out. I just walk into the kitchen and take the smoking pan off the stove.
“Grams?” I call for her, but she doesn’t answer. I’m not worried though. She’s always here, somewhere. I turn off the hot plate and open the kitchen window to air the smoke out. Then I head for her bedroom.
Cracking open the door, I find her lying in her bed, peacefully asleep. Sneaking into her room, I take a seat on the edge of the mattress. Her eyes open almost immediately. A sleepy smile tugs up her lips.
“Hey, pumpkin, I just laid down for a nap while you were in school,” she explains. I don’t correct her, and I don’t tell her about leaving the stove on before taking a nap, because she doesn’t remember anyway. And she probably won’t remember this tomorrow either.
“How was your math test? Did you get a good grade?”
“I’m not going to school anymore, remember? I graduated.”
“Oh, you did? When is the graduation party?” she asks, her voice pitched with excitement. The party was months ago, and she was there, but again she doesn’t remember, which hurts my heart.
“It’s soon, Grams… soon.” I rub her arm, wishing I could fix her broken mind. “I’m going to make us something to eat, okay? Come out when you’re ready.” I give her a soft smile, which she returns, and I leave the room.
The sadness I always feel when seeing her like this surrounds me. It’s so strong that I almost forget what happened to me earlier today. Almost. How did my life get so fucked up? Why can’t something go right for once? I cook, and clean, and talk to Grams until she falls asleep again, but nothing eases my mind.
My body is so tired, exhausted, and all I want to do is go to sleep, but my mind is going at a million miles per hour. I can’t seem to shut it off, to find peace, even for a second. I’m wide awake, with no chance of sleep in sight, so I do the only thing I can.
I toss and turn on the pullout couch. I’ve been sleeping in the living room for a while now. There is only one bedroom, and it used to be mine, but with Gram’s state of mind and me getting up early for work, I let her take the room. I don’t mind sleeping on the couch, yes, it’s not the most comfortable thing, but I’d rather it be me than Grams.
I try to calm my mind, but every time I close my eyes, I see them… and I don’t know if I’ll ever get them out of my head again.
The sun rises, shining brightly through the windows, but I’m in no way, shape, or form ready to get up. Probably because I haven’t slept yet. The worry inside of me is eating me alive, threatening to swallow me whole. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the day. All I can think about is last night. Those two boys, the dead body, whatever they were doing, and the fact that I have to go back to Blackthorn for work.
But I think the possibility of seeing them again is what worries me most. It’s not like I can just quit my job and go somewhere else. The pay is good, and it’s close to home, but I don’t know that I can stomach seeing them again.
Ugh, maybe I can manage to find another job on one of my days off, but for right now, I need to get ready for the day and drag my butt to my current one.
