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I walk out into the hall, and then the living room. The house is quiet and dark, but I try not to get hung up on it. I just move quicker than normal. With nothing but my keys and my phone, I run across campus just as I did earlier today, without stopping for anything until I’m standing in front of Remmy’s place, my heart in my throat, and my lungs burning.
I knock on the door with a shaky hand, almost regretting my decision to come here. I hear footsteps approaching the door and I pray that it’s Remmy behind that door, but when it swings open, I see it’s Thomas on the other side.
“Oh, hey Jules…”
I don’t even answer him. I just duck under his arm and push into the house, running straight for Remmy’s room. When I reach the door, I turn the knob to open it, but it doesn’t open. Why is it locked? Panic claws at my insides. What if he isn’t here, or doesn’t want to see me? What if Layla is here?
I keep wiggling the knob as if it will magically unlock while slamming my palm against the wood. I can feel the stinging of tears in my eyes, and like a total loser, I stand there continuing to beat against the door.
Several seconds later the door opens and an angry looking Remmy appears before me. The moment he sees me, his features soften, worry creasing his forehead.
“What’s wrong, Jules?” I fall into his room and into his arms without answering him.
I’m only partially aware of him closing the door and half carrying me to the bed. I’m too consumed by him, how I’m finally in his arms, my face buried in his chest, just like I wished to be all day. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tighter and for the first time today, I feel safe. Inhaling his scent calms me further and my eyes drift closed, suddenly feeling heavy with exhaustion.
“Jules, you need to tell me what’s wrong. I’m kind of freaking out here. Did something happen?” He gently rubs small circles against my back. I’m close to breaking down and telling him about Cole cornering me, but I just can’t get the words out, my tongue too heavy, my throat clogged with too much emotion. I feel weak and disgusted with myself even though I know it’s Cole that I should be disgusted with and not myself.
“I… I just had a bad dream,” I lie. “I got scared and I wanted to see you. Is that okay?” At least that part isn’t a lie.
“How did you get here?”
“I walked,” I admit and at my confession, Remmy’s pulling away, holding me at arm’s length, his eyes roaming over my face, inspecting me from head to toe. His chest rises and falls angrily, and I don’t understand what his problem is.
“You can’t be doing that again. It’s dangerous to walk places in the middle of the night, even on campus, and especially alone. Next time, call me, text me, whatever, but do not walk over here by yourself again,” he scolds harshly, and I nod my head in agreement. Then as if nothing happened, he’s pulling me back into his arms, placing my head against his chest, while cradling the back of it.
The warmth of his body seeps into mine, and I wish I could crawl inside him. I wish I could be his, and he be mine. He could make me forget about Cole.
“You’re shaking, Jules, are you sure it was just a dream? Did something happen while you were walking here?”
I bite the inside of my cheek, bile rising in my throat, while I hold my confession deeper inside, letting it eat away at me.
“It was nothing, just a bad dream. I’m okay now.”
“Was it…?” His voice trails off, and I know what he’s asking without even asking him to elaborate and this time I don’t lie.
“Yes,” I sigh, feeling some type of relief at saying it out loud. “Every time I close my eyes, I see him. I see myself lying there beneath him, begging him to stop, but he never does…he never stops, Remmy.” The tears start to fall without permission, and I hope this is a one-time thing, Cole’s presence simply bringing all my fears to the forefront tonight.
Remmy’s hold on me tightens. “He will never touch you again, Jules, never. I will fucking kill him if he tries to hurt you again. I don’t care if I go to prison for the rest of my life. He will never do to you what he did again.”
And that is yet another reminder of why I have to lie to him tonight, why I keep the truth hidden beneath the sleeves of my sweatshirt.
“I know.” I exhale a ragged breath. “I just wanted to be somewhere safe, somewhere I know that the nightmares can’t reach me.”
