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His touch is warm, and my body reacts to it with a shiver.
“I can’t hold him off forever, Jules. I want to help you and you know I’ll do whatever I can, but I need you to find your way out of this. I need you to find your way back.”
I blink and look from his hand that’s holding my own, before looking back up at his face. Sharp jaw, piercing green eyes, a dimple in the corner of his mouth. Every time I look at Sebastian, I see him.
He squeezes my hand gently, bringing me back to the present. “Will you try, Jules? You don’t have to leave the house or go anywhere, but I need you to try and talk to someone, even if it’s just me, even if it’s a conversation about nothing at all.”
The smile he gives me is one that used to melt all my worries away, but I have no worries anymore. There is nothing that can hurt me, because to hurt me, would mean I would have to feel, and that’s what Seb is asking me to do…to feel, and I’m not there yet.
I pull my hand from his and get up walking back toward the bedroom, without a single word spoken.
“Come on, Jules, please,” Seb croaks, emotions I refuse to acknowledge clogging his throat. “I’m begging you…”
I halt mid-step, but only because Seb doesn’t beg, it’s not like him, and hearing him like this, well I won’t lie and say it doesn’t reach my heart, because it does, but if hurting him protects me then I guess that’s just a choice that has to be made.
I continue walking until I reach my bedroom, then I slip inside, closing the door softly behind me. Another day without pain…another day without him.
???
“I’m sorry, Jules. I’m so damn sorry.” I want to believe him. I want to believe him so badly that I tell myself I can, but should I? He’s hurt me…he’s broken me. I’m a shell of the woman I was before. My bottom lip quivers and tears slip down onto my cheeks.
“How could you do this to us? I thought you loved me?” Remington’s face morphs into something else, and he almost looks pained.
“I do love you. I fucked up, Jules, I fucked up, and I’ll never be able to prove to you how much it hurts me to know that I did this to you. How stupid and foolish I was.” I shake my head, because in my heart, I know I want to forgive him. I want to let go of the pain wrapping around my heart, eating away at my insides, but I’m not ready.
“Come back to me, Jules, please, I am begging you. I will be everything you need me to be and more. I will never hurt you again.” His green eyes plead with me, his voice is like a soothing balm to my aching heart….
Waking up, I clutch a hand to my chest, my heart beating out of my chest. Even in my mind, in my dreams, I cannot escape him, and deep down, I know I probably never will. The heart wants what it wants, but sometimes the heart is fucking stupid and needs to shut up. I blink away the sleep from my eyes and sit up in bed right as a noise outside my door filters into my ears.
“She’s not ready.” Sebastian’s voice is right outside my door, and I wonder who he is talking to. And for a moment, one single moment panic creeps up on me, but before it can actually hit me, I pull back. I fortify my walls because I know if I let any feeling in, even the smallest bit, everything is going to come crashing down. I hear another voice, and every remanence of any oncoming emotions have completely faded away.
“I don’t really care, son, now move or I’ll move you. That girl is like a daughter to me and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let her sit in that room all alone, numbing herself of all feeling.”
Sebastian must take what his father says seriously because a second later, my bedroom door opens, Papa Miller’s big frame is entering through it.
He smiles the moment he sees me, but I don’t return the smile.
“How is my girl?”
I shrug as he walks deeper into the room. Sebastian gives me an apologetic look from the doorway as if to say he’s sorry, but he doesn’t have to be sorry, none of this is his fault.
Papa Miller settles down on the bed beside me, his big body eats up most of the space, making the room feel smaller then it is.
“I talked to your mom. She planned on coming home, but she’s buried deep in work. I told her I would come in her place instead, since I know how much you love me.” He grins down at me, his smile reminding me of memories and a certain person I can’t stomach to think about right now. I drop my gaze down to my hands that are sitting in my lap to protect myself. I can’t think about him.
