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“That isn’t what I said. I like being touched. I don’t like beingowned. You of all people should be able to understand that.”
He flinches, nodding his head. “I fucked up,” he says. It’s quite an admission, close to an apology and one that I never thought I’d hear coming from his lips.
“Yeah, you did.” I sigh heavily, feeling the need to explain how I feel even though that’s the last thing I’d ever thought I’d do. Fuck it, I’m not going to pussyfoot around him. “When you kissed me in the canteen the other day it wasn’t for my benefit. It was because you wanted to prove to everyone I was yours. That you could do what you wanted regardless of how I felt or anyone else felt for that matter. I don’t like that Camden. Don’t do it again.”
He meets my gaze in the mirror then nods his head. “Okay.”
“Okay? I was expecting more of a battle.”
“I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of it all,” he mutters, before continuing to braid my hair.
He’s so gentle, more so now we’ve cleared the air a little. It reminds me of how thoughtful Ford and Sonny were that night of the fight all those weeks ago, how Eastern has been with me my whole life. Four guys, so very different but all somehow managing to tear apart my resolve to be an island, a fucking continent, actually. They’re like the water lapping at my shores, breaking down my barriers day by day, bit by bit, turning stone into sand. I’ve no idea whether that’s a good thing or not. But it’s happening regardless. Even Camden seems to be taking up that role. Maybe I’m just not as strong as I first thought.
“You may always think the worst of me, Asia. I’ve done shit things, terrible things in the name of my crew. Forhim,” he spits.
“You’re trapped…?”
“Like one of those circus bears in a cage with no way to escape…” he confirms bitterly. A couple of minutes later he’s finished braiding my hair. His hands fall away as he looks at me in the mirror. “There, done.” Camden stands, drawing himself away both physically and emotionally. The shutters are closing. Whatever vulnerability he’d shown is now disappearing behind a façade so thick it’ll prove impossible to penetrate if I don’t do something.
“Every lock has a key, every cage a way out. You just have to know how to find them,” I say, getting up.
“Do you really believe that?” He laughs bitterly, shaking his head. “I’ve long since stopped trying to look for a way out, Asia. Whilst the King has my mum I’ll never be free.”
“I get that, but…”
“But nothing. My life is set in stone. No matter which way I look I’ve no future that doesn’t either end with a long prison sentence or death.”
And the worst thing is, he’s probably right.
“Fuck.”
“This is my world. Ours. All I have is my crew. They’re my family now, for better or worse.”
“You really believe that?” We both know what I mean… Monk. He’d sooner stab Camden in the back than protect it.
“I have to.”
“And what about you’re Mum, doesn’t she have your back? Isn’t she your family?”
“Mum isn’t as strong as she used to be. He’s worn her down, taken her beauty, her happiness, her freedom. He’s taken everything from her, from us.” He sighs heavily. “Your mum was a heroin addict wasn’t she?”
“Yeah.”
“Well my mum has an addiction of her own. The King has screwed with her head so much that she’d do anything for him, even take the beatings he dishes out and then fucking thank him afterwards for thepleasure.”
“Camden…” My throat constricts so much with unshed words that I have to take a moment not to spill them. To force them back inside. I have to remind myself why I’m doing this. But he’s hurting, and he’s doing exactly what Ford had said. He trusts me. I don’t even know what to do with that.
He steps back, a muscle ticking in his jaw. “Don’t fucking pity me.”
“I’m not. Idon’t,” I insist. “I know what it’s like. I fucking get it.”
And I do. Right in that moment I see him for who he really is; a lone figure surrounded by a lot of people who really don’t give a shit about him. He’s a man trapped by his situation, and just because he has the title of gang leader doesn’t mean it’s any easier on him. In fact, it’s worse.
“Do you know the fucking joke of it all? I had a family once. Arealone. My mum, my sister, my dad…Ford,a few others who’re in prison now and will be released back into a world they’ll never escape from.” He grits his teeth so hard I can hear them grinding over one another. “Gang life took every single one of them from me and here I am taking you from Eastern. I’m a bad person, Asia, but even though I know that, I can’t let you go.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a phone… my phone, the one he took from me last term and never gave back.
“The school has your other one, right?”
I’m not able to fully form a sentence as he hands me it.
