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31
The next day during English class, I’m called to Mr Carmichael’s office. When I arrive, Mr Burnside and Ruby are sitting in the room. The atmosphere is heavy, stilted.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, glancing between them.
“Come in and close the door behind you,” Mr Carmichael says, looking at me grimly.
“What’s up?”
“Take a seat, Asia,” Mr Burnside urges. He’s sitting beside Ruby whose whole demeanour is broken. Her face is downcast, her shoulders rounded as though she’s barely able to hold her own body upright. In her lap her hands are clasped together, nails bitten down to the quick. The door clicks shut, and Ruby jumps as though a gunshot has just gone off.
“Can someone tell me what’s going on? Ruby, are you okay? We didn’t see you at breakfast this morning,” I ask gently, knowing full well that she’s far from okay. I know a scared, broken girl when I see one. She looks up at me with watery eyes but doesn’t say a word. It’s only then I notice the deep purple mark around her throat.
“What happened to you?” I hush out, knowing in my heart what she’s done, but not wanting to believe it.
She shakes her head, stifling a sob with her hand, dropping her head once more. Shame sits heavy on her shoulders. It wracks her body, making her feel even more worthless. I choke back the words of pity, knowing she doesn’t need to hear them now. She needs strength.
“Ruby is being transferred to another unit today. She was due to leave at the weekend but she’s in crisis, Asia,” Mr Burnside explains gently, his voice full of remorse. I know what unit he’s referring to, but I don’t let on for Ruby’s sake. I’d hate her to think that I was betraying her by knowing her business and not being upfront about it.
“Crisis? What do you mean?”
Mr Burnside gives me a sad smile. His gaze flicks to Mr Carmichael who sits stoically, hiding how he really feels. That’s the street kid in him. We all have the ability to hide away our true feelings, we know how to bury them deep down inside. When there’s no one to comfort you, to chase the pain away, when you have to grow up too fast protecting the ones you love, you learn to bury the hurt and pain. It becomes second nature. Thing is, I know only too well that those feelings erupt eventually, and god help anyone who is there to witness it.
“Ruby, you wanted to see Asia before you left,” Mr Burnside reminds her. “Are you okay with me telling her what’s happened, or would you rather do that yourself?”
She blows out a long shaky breath, lifting her head enough only to glance at me. “I’d like to speak with Asia alone, if that’s okay?” she asks quietly beneath the curtain of her hair. Her voice is merely a whisper, but I can hear the pain in it loud and clear. It rings like a fucking bell.
“Sure thing. We’ll wait outside,” Mr Burnside says, getting up. When he passes by, he briefly squeezes my shoulder. The moment the door closes, I move to sit beside Ruby. I want to hug her, but she kind of shifts away from me, wrapping her arms around herself.
“Talk to me, Ruby. Tell me what’s going on,” I urge her.
For a while she just picks at the skin surrounded her nails, her body shaking violently. “I tried to kill myself last night,” she whispers eventually, and I swear the world stops spinning. I gulp, swallowing down the wave of nausea and the burn of bile rising up my throat.
“Ruby…” I breathe out slowly, a wave of shock and sadness spilling from my lips. “Why?” It’s a stupid question, and one I wish I could take back the second it leaves my mouth. But it’s out there in the open now floating in the air about us. I have no right to ask her why. She doesn’t need to explain herself to me, to anyone. I want to open the window and set the question free, let it disperse. I certainly don’t expect Ruby to answer me.
“Because I’m not strong enough to fight like you are. I’m not strong enough, Asia…” she whimpers, her voice breaking on another sob. This time I put my arm around her shoulders and hug her close to my side.
“It’s okay,” I hush out. “It’s okay. You’re not to blame. This isn’t your fault.”
“Iwantedto die. When I put that rope around my neck, I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted it to end.”
“Oh, Ruby. I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault… ithis,” she hisses.
I hear the hate split her words into jagged shards, making them sharp. They give me hope. She’s not given up, not yet. Hate is a powerful emotion, one that keeps you alive when nothing else can. I hated my mother for loving heroin more than she loved me. I hated her for choosing to shoot up over being my mum. I hated her addiction. I hated the person who supplied her with the drug. I hated the man she was in love with, my father. I hated him for abandoning us. I hated myself for never being enough to make her change.
“I want Monk to pay. I want him to understand what he did to me. But I don’t have the strength to fight back. I’mweak,” she wails, her voice pitted with heartbreak and despair.
“You’re not weak. You’re here aren’t you? Don’t discount how fucking hard it is to have the strength tosurvive,” I say fiercely.
“I hate him so damn much… He made me like this. He made me feel worthless. He beat the strength out of me. He made me feel like I was no better than a doormat, that I deserved every punch, every kick, every unkind word. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”
“Is he still hurting you?”
“No, he hasn’t touched me since the last time I showed you my bruises. But even though the marks are faded, the pain never goes. It’s been eating me up inside. Last night, I got to the point where I couldn’t live with it anymore.”
“Ruby, I’m so fucking sorry.”
