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18
As promised, Ford enters my room just past curfew. He slips inside silently, padding over to my bed. The light is turned off and I’m curled up on my side facing away from him when he slips under the duvet behind me. I’m wide awake, taut with apprehension. I’ve no idea why I’m lying in the dark under my duvet instead of waiting for him with the light on.
Hiding maybe… yeah, that’s what I’m doing.
I’m fucking hiding like a five-year-old who thinks that their duvet is some kind of invisible blanket that can protect them from the world and all the bad people in it, which is ironic, really, given I’m dressed in very little knowing Ford would come.
I both want him here and don’t.
I’m such a fucking temptress… Not.
“Hey, sleeping beauty,” he says, his voice a low rumble as he presses his body against mine. His fingertips graze over my hip, sending electric currents over my skin despite my messed-up thoughts. I swallow hard.
“I’m not sleeping.”
He laughs. “Yeah, no one this tense could be accused of sleeping. What’s up?”
“Everything…”
“Stupid question,” he mutters in my ear.
I lay in his arms, trying to calm the anxious thud of my heart and failing miserably. I’m getting that weird itchy feeling again, like I want to shred my skin, peel it back and leave it like a piece of discarded clothing on the floor. Despite my attraction to Ford, I feel off.
“Maybe you should go, Ford. I’m not…” I suck in a ragged breath that makes me shudder. “I’m not feeling like myself. I don’t feel right in my own skin…” My voice trails off at how fucked up that sounds and I consider the fact that maybe it’s Eastern that I need right now and not Ford.
“What do you need, Asia?” he asks me, as though reading my mind.
“I don’t know.”That’s a lie. I do know.
I need to be Asia Chen. The girl who doesn’t give a fuck, who’d rain hell on anyone who screws with her. I need to get back to the girl I was beforehim. Before the King became my father. I don’t want to be this… this weak half person who doesn’t know who the fuck she is, who despises the skin she’s in, who failed to kill her dad. Ihateit.
I hateme.
“Turn around, Asia. Listen to my voice. Don’t think, just do as I ask. Okay?” Ford says, forcing those horrible thoughts out of my head momentarily as his voice commands my attention.
Turning, I wrap my arms around his back and press my nose into the crook of his neck, breathing him in deeply. “You smell good,” I blurt out.Like cloves and leather.Warm and enticing.
“So do you…” he replies, his mouth whispering against my skin.
We lie together, holding on to one another. Just being still. After a while he shifts, pulling back slightly. “I’m going to turn the light on now.”
“Alright…” I’m almost disappointed that he hasn’t tried to initiate sex. That’s what I figured would happen, in all honesty. Then again, I thought that the night we went to the Tower and he surprised me then too. Ford untangles himself from my arms and climbs out of bed. A couple seconds later the room is flooded with a soft golden glow from my table lamp. Ford stares at me, or at least at my head poking out from under the duvet cover.
What the fuck must I look like? Ford frowns, a look of indecision crossing his face.
“What?” I whisper.
“This isn’t you. This isn’t the girl who beat Monk to a pulp, who doesn’t take any crap from anyone, who fights back. Where is that girl hiding?”
I sigh heavily. “Maybe you should go get Eastern…”
“No, not today,” Ford snaps, shaking his head.
This was such a bad fucking idea. Ford doesn’t do vulnerable. I’m making a fool of myself in front of him. The stupid thing is, I’ve dressed to seduce Ford, and yet I’m acting like some pussy hiding beneath the duvet cover. Talk about mixed fucking signals. My head is all over the place. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Pink, about Camden’s mum. Knowing where she is and not being able to help her is a far worse torture than not knowing a damn thing.
Everything is upside down and inside out.
I want to hide from the world and pretend that none of this is happening. I want Ford to fuck me into oblivion. I want to shred my skin in a frenzy. I want to beat someone to a pulp. I want to fucking cry.
