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26
I’ve been staring at the red flashing light of my digital clock for the past hour. Sleep evades me yet again, but how can I sleep knowing what I have to do? All I can feel is Camden’s grief, every tear shed, every soul-tearing cry. All I can see is the King’s face, his dark black eyes as they regard me. All I can hear are the words he spoke.
“One life in exchange for another, that’s all I ask…”
Pink’s life for Mr Carmichael’s.
I’ve spent the last hour going over all my past conversations with Mr Carmichael and my head is spinning. Is he really the Black Sheep? Yes, his past is pitted with bad choices, but
maybe we’re wrong and the Black Sheep is someone else who works here. Maybe it’s just another way for the King to fuck with our heads, to make us distrust one another.
I know I’m clutching at straws but talking about killing someone and actually going through with it are two very different things. I know that. It’s easy to say you’re capable of murder, but not so easy to slide that knife into someone’s flesh or fire that gun and watch the bullet shatter blood and bone. That takes something else entirely. You have to be a little dead inside to commit such an act or maybe that just happens after.
“Ever killed a person, Asia?”
I had been willing, ready to kill the King. Yet, I didn’t. I can tell myself over and over it was because the timing wasn’t right, or he wasn’t close enough but when I really, honestly think about why I didn’t slice the King’s throat when I had the opportunity, the only answer I can come up with is because I wasafraid.
Afraid to kill the King.
Afraid to kill my father.
Afraid of the person I’d become if I did.
Afraid of losing the girl I am.
Afraid to lose my family, my boys.
So fucking afraid.
“Fuck!” I snap, my hand curling into a fist as I slam it against the mattress over and over again. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”
Why didn’t I do it? Camden’s mum would be alive now. We’d be safe.
My eyes are squeezed shut as I try to regain control over myself, but my tears find their way out from between my lashes. I let them fall, promising myself once I’m spent that I won’t allow myself this moment of weakness again. That tomorrow, I’ll be strong again. I’ll be the fierce Asia everyone expects and not some little girl scared to take a life even if it is to save her friend. Turning over onto my stomach I scream my grief and rage into the pillow, allowing it to muffle my pain and soak up my tears. I’m too distracted by my own heart bleeding its pain away that I don’t hear my bedroom door open then shut with a gentle click.
Only when I’m spent, and my sobs have died down enough to not drown out all other sounds, do I sense someone else in my room with me. Slowly, I push upwards, swinging my legs out of bed and turn to face the opposite wall.
“What are you doing here?”
Sonny is sitting on the floor, his legs drawn up and his arms folded over his knees, watching me. There’s a deep sadness that emanates from him, reflecting my own.
“You’re really willing to do it, aren’t you?” he asks me, his voice soft, low and achingly sad. “You’re willing to kill Carmichael if this plan fails.”
“Yes,” I respond, knowing I have to find the courage to do it.
“Then it can’t fail,” he responds tightly.
Sonny pushes up off the floor and approaches me. His steps are heavy, his shoulders slumping. Gone is the boy who loved to tease me, to flirt. Gone is the boy whose dimples flip my stomach upside down. Before me is someone I don’t recognise. Someone dark, someone who, if only I took the time to look hard enough, has always been there hiding just beneath the boyish grin.
Sonny sits down on the bed next to me, sliding his hands between his thighs to stop them from shaking. His eyes are downcast, his head drooping between his shoulders as his hair falls forward. Looking at him like this, my stomach flip-flops for a different reason.
“What is it, Sonny?” I ask. We’re all upset about Camden’s mum, but this is so much more than that.
“Killing someone changes a person. You can never get back what’s lost,” Sonny whispers.
“I appreciate your concern, I do… but it doesn’t change a thing. I will do anything to protect the ones I love.”
Sonny lifts his head, looking at me. His eyes are darker than I’ve ever seen them, more midnight blue in this light. Haunting somehow. He lifts his hand, cupping my cheek. They feel cool against my skin, unfamiliar.
