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29
“What do you think you’re doing?” a familiar voice asks me.
It sounds like Camden, but it can’t be him because he hasn’t returned from London, so I keep walking into the waves, my body moving on its own accord. I feel disjointed somehow… cast adrift. I don’t feel the icy-cold water as it laps at my knees. There’s no conscious thought at all as I move further into the ocean, my thighs wet now.
“I said, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”
An arm wraps around my waist tightly, yanking me backwards. A second later I’m pulled from the waves, lifted up in a strong pair of arms.
“Get off me!” I shout, tears that I hadn’t realised had fallen blurring my vision.
“No! You don’t get to leave me too!” a fierce voice says.
“Camden?” I ask, knowing it’s him but having to blink away the tears to see if it’s true.
“You bet your arse it’s me,” he retorts, striding over the pebbles and shoving me against the boulder that his sister’s image is painted upon. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
“It’s all fucking over,” I respond, trying to push against him. Only then do I notice Ford, Sonny and Eastern standing close by, but I can’t risk looking in their eyes knowing I’d only see disappointment and anger.
I fucking ran.
I’m acoward, just like Mr Carmichael.
Pain comes rushing in, slamming into my stomach hard enough to make me double over. I throw up, the acid burning my throat as I empty myself all over the glossy, wet pebbles.
“This is not how we do things, Asia. You don’t fucking get to check out because shit has gotten hard. You don’t get to fucking leave us because you can’t see a way out of this mess. You’re stronger than thisgod-fucking-damnit!” Camden roars, not giving me a chance to right myself enough to face his wrath.
“Camden, go easy,” Eastern says, stepping closer.
“Don’t tell me to go easy. Did you not see what Asia was about to do? I can’t fucking believe it!” he retorts, his rage ripping through me, tearing me to shreds.
“Leave her alone. You don’t understand what’s happened!” Eastern shouts back, stepping between us both, protecting me like he always has. I can’t believe I was even contemplating leaving him,them. The shame I feel is all-encompassing, and it takes everything I have to keep standing upright.
Camden’s nostrils flare as he draws in a breath. “I know what fucking happened, Eastern! The King killed my mum and I spent all day yesterday trying to piece myself back together, so I can stay strong, only to return here and find Asia trying to drown herself!”
“I wasn’t…” I say feebly.Was I?
“She wasn’t…” Eastern repeats, glancing at me with horror.
“Are you fucking stupid?” Camden growls, pointing at me. “No one takes a swim in the middle of fucking winter.”
“I know Asia. I know she’d never leave the ones she loves. It was amistake,” Eastern says, fiercely, reaching for me. I grab his hand, forcing myself to be strong. Standing on shaking legs, I face all my boys. Sonny and Ford have been quiet, watching this all unfold. I hadn’t meant it… I just wanted everything to stop, just for a moment.
“I’m sorry. I just wanted to escape…” I say, feeling like a fucking hypocrite, feeling as weak as my apology. Camden has every right to be angry, they all do. I know I would be if the roles were reversed. “I lost my head…”
“An escape would be going to the fucking cinema, reading a book,fucking, Asia. Not taking a walk on the bottom of the goddamn ocean,” Camden retorts angrily.
“It was all too much…” I admit.
“When has it not been too fucking much? This is how it is for us.”
I hate that he’s right, that every day is a fucking fight. Anger bubbles inside me. Not at Camden but at the world, at the unfairness of it all.
“Your mum was murdered because ofme, Camden,” I shout, unable to stop the torrent of guilt from escaping.
“No!” he points his finger at me, his lip trembling. “No. TheKingkilled my mum. The fucking King. You do not take the blame for that. No fucking way. Is that what all this is about? I don’t blame you, Asia.”
And even though his words should be a comfort, they’re not.
