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Dax sighs. “I’m not protecting them. It’s just the truth. I’ve always had anger inside of me, you know that. Growing up with my dad the way it was makes it all too easy to slip into violence. York and Zayn have had to embrace it to survive. It hasn’t been easy for either of them. I’ve seen them battle every fucking day with the things they’ve had to do.”
“But it’seasyfor you?”
“Maybe that’s not exactly the right word to use. Not easy, not at all, just easier. I don’t think about the person in front of me. I just think about—”
“Your dad?”
“Yes. If I allow myself to think anything else… Put it this way, I wouldn’t be standing here today.”
“You mean…?” I shift slightly, so I can get a better look at Dax.
“On my darkest days, I’ve thought about it. That makes me a coward, right?”
“No. Jesus, no. It makes youhuman, Dax,” I choke out, tears forming like a stone in my throat. The thought of Dax even considering taking his own life has me all twisted up inside.
“What about Xeno?” I ask.
“Xeno uses violence as a way to cope.”
“Tocope? With what?”
Dax frowns. “I’ve never really been certain. He hasn’t let any of us in enough to explain. I was hoping one day you’d be able to find out. Though I reckon it has something to do with the numbness that takes over after a kill. There’s a certain kind of peace to be found there… At least for him.”
Considering how numb I feel right now, I can understand that. I didn’t kill Frederico but I sure as hell didn’t try to save him either, so that makes me as guilty of his death as the rest of them. Maybe that’s the real issue here, my own guilt. “And how do you deal with a night like this, Dax?”
“I shut myself down. Sometimes I dance. Sometimes I drink myself into oblivion. Occasionally, like Xeno, I’d find a woman to fuck...” His voice trails off as he tips my chin up and gently pushes a few strands of wet hair off my face.
“What?” I whisper. It might sting a little, but I’m not upset. I know they’ve slept with other women before me. My jealousy seems trivial now. It has no place here.
“It never meant anything. No one ever came close to how I feel about you. I know it’s the same for the rest of them.”
“You don’t need to justify yourself to me, Dax. I just hate that youhadto find a way to cope because of the things you did.”
Dax presses his thumb and forefinger against his eyes, rubbing them. He looks as exhausted as I feel. Dark shadows rim his eyes, and his cheek is turning a deep shade of purple, matching the night sky that edges the horizon as dawn begins to rise.
“You were really brave tonight, Kid. So fucking brave. What you did...” Cupping my cheek, he strokes his thumb across my cheekbone. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“You can’t protect me from the violence. Not anymore. I’ve lived on the fringes of it since I was a kid. This is your life… and now it’s mine.” My voice breaks as I try to keep my shit together. I can’t afford to break. I won’t. It’s not as if I haven’t seen a man killed before now, so I don’t know why I’m taking this so fucking hard.
“It’s a life we livefor now. It’s not a life we’ll be living forever. I promise you that,” he says vehemently.
“You still believe that the plan is going to work after what happened tonight?”
“It already is.... The drugs have been in circulation for a couple of weeks now. There have been whispers building on the street thatDancing Shoesis a dud drug. We expected some kind of backlash, just not exactly this.”
“Do you think David and Santiago know about what you’re doing with Hudson?”
“No, I don’t. Believe me, if they did, things would be a hell of a lot worse right now. I think David believesJebscrewed over Santiago and that we were in on it too. It makes sense that he sent in Dante’s Crew to take us all out as a way to prove his loyalty to Santiago. Not to mention send you a message. Kill two birds with one stone and all that.”
“But Jeb believed it was you guys, David and Grim…”
“Precisely, and he was only partly wrong. He believed we’d done it to set him up and take over the Skins… I don’t think he would’ve come to that conclusion, at least not this quickly, if he hadn’t seen how we reacted to Frederico’s attempt on your life. The second he walked out of the alleyway we all knew he had to die. It was him or us.”
“Now that Jeb’s dead, where does that leave us?”
“By killing Jeb, David and Santiago will believe one of two things… Either we killed Jeb because we found outhewas screwing Santiago and wanted to show our loyalty, or because Jeb found out thatwewere. It doesn’t really matter what story they choose to believe, though knowing your brother, he’s already persuaded Santiago that it was us all along, given how this is going. We just have to up the ante now, lure Santiago to the U.K so he can sort us out.”
“By sort, you mean kill, because that’s what he’ll do, right?”
